Quick, Help Me Find New Birth Control!

Or, the mystery of the suddenly gigantic boobs.

Mar 19, 2012 at 10:00am | Leave a comment

A few weeks ago my boobs doubled in size. They appeared mysteriously and almost overnight, like some strange unicorn horn. My B cup, it did runneth over.

My first thought was Can I keep them?

Then I spent last Sunday, which was my birthday, paranoid I was pregnant. I wasn’t. There was no other reason that I could come up with for my boobs to be so gigantic.

Despite the initial excitement -- how fascinating they were to look at and shake at myself in the mirror, how fun to be able to hold things upright in my cleavage without even squeezing my arms together—they hurt like hell and I didn't know where they came from. The implications were disturbing.
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No reason, that is, except for the pill.

I’ve been a yo-yo birth control user for 15 years. On the pill one month then off it, depending on who I'm having sex with and how often.

It might have been better to just stick with taking it all of that time (though I can't find any evidence that says my BC breaks were bad for me) instead of stopping every time I broke up with someone or knew I wasn’t going to have sex for a month. It's gone on for so long that that I can’t imagine my body even knows what it is doing anymore.

What I have noticed during all of those break times is that I love the way I feel and look when not on the pill. I feel less bloated and healthier, both mentally and physically, and I don’t get paranoid that I’m having a stroke every time I get a headache.

Though I do hate to bid farewell with my gigantic boobs -- What fun we could have had together -- I’d love to hear what other people use for birth control and how well it works for them. Because the pill is making me feel weird and after a decade and a half, I'd like out.

I’ve looked into a few options and would love to hear what you guys think as well as any other methods you might use to keep any buns from rising in your oven. (Sorry, no more pregnancy puns ahead. I promise.) Also, none of this should be considered medical advice. I'm asking YOU for help, for God's sake!

Abstinence

Thought I’d get us started off with a joke.

The Implant

My friend recently got one and told me about screaming in pain throughout the procedure so I don’t know that I’m super into this idea. Still, it seems safer than the pill as far as medical side effects go.

Also I think saying that I got “The Implant” would make me feel like I was in a sci-fi movie where women’s implants turn them into robotic killing machines and the only salvation is Jean Claude Van Dam and an extremely attractive woman/robot (the implant didn’t turn her as she was already part robot) who runs around in black leather pants with a sexily placed cut on one cheek.

Diaphragm

Whenever I see the word "diaphragm" I think of that scene from Sex in the City when Carrie's gets stuck inside her and Samantha for some reason has to help her take it out even though she just got a manicure. Why was Carrie sleeping with Big again? Or was it Aidan? Who the hell knows. Either way, I now associate diaphragms with poor sexual choices and getting things stuck inside of me, two of my biggest fears.

(I once lost a contact lens behind my eyeball for 48 hours. I thought it had fallen out but it was back there, sliding around in my eye cavity. I'm sure I had sex with somebody stupid during those two days as well.)

It is nice that there are no hormones involved with this option, but I would like to learn more about how people deal with the logistics.

Depo-Provera

I had this shot once when I was like 16 and I ended up not liking it very well as I never knew when I was going to get my period, but maybe now that I’m older and that whole thing is a little more regular it wouldn't bother me so much. Eh, for some reason I can’t see myself doing it though. Besides, it is still chock-full of weird hormones, and it isn’t like I have trouble remembering to take my pill like I did back in the day.

NuvaRing

Though I’d heard of it before, I really had no idea what this one was about about this one until I looked it up today. This has similar risks to the pill but is inserted into your vagina -- so it still has the possibility of getting lost inside of me -- where it stays for three weeks of every month. (By "getting lost inside me," I really mean difficult to fish out. I know I have a cervix.) The literature on Planned Parenthood says that the NuvaRing can make your periods lighter and it isn’t difficult to get pregnant once you stop using it, which could either be a good or a bad thing.

It seems like if you are going for the sticking it inside you option though you might as well go hormone-free and just use a diaphragm during sex. Maybe they are totally different experiences though. Help.

Rhythm Method

This sounds intense and complicated, just like me. Plus, I've always wanted an excuse to get an Abacus.

Suggestions? Ideas? Horror stories? Ideas for ways I can keep my new boobs?