UNPOPULAR OPINION: Every Woman Should Have a Slut Phase

Sleep around with people you meet at a bar, at a movie theater, online, anywhere! The only way to find out what you like is by experimenting.
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Alicia Lazzaro
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Sleep around with people you meet at a bar, at a movie theater, online, anywhere! The only way to find out what you like is by experimenting.

She was my first everything: first kiss, first sexual partner, first relationship, first love. Needless to say, it broke more than just my heart. The only reason she gave me for the break-up was that she was no longer attracted to me. 

I later found out that she had been talking to someone else while we were still together. She claimed that nothing physical happened until after we broke up, but I found that very hard to believe. Part of me wishes she had rather told me that she found someone else instead of what she did say. Being told that by someone you thought loved you for who you were, looks and all, was devastating. I lost all of the self-confidence I had, which at the time wasn’t much anyway.

I don’t fit typical beauty standards (which are bullshit, but that’s a whole other blog post). I am plus-sized, I have tattoos and piercings and at the time I was constantly dying my hair a different crazy color. Now, at almost 23 years old, I still have the curves, tattoos and some of the piercings.

The real difference now is that I love myself. I embrace every inch of myself and nothing anyone says can make me believe otherwise. I live by the quote: “Know and believe in yourself and what others think won’t disturb you.” I believe that true happiness comes from within. It is something that my mother has always told me. Sure, relationships are a wonderful part of life, but we can’t rely on others for our happiness. We have to be secure within and by ourselves to find true happiness. A significant other shouldn’t be the source of happiness, but increase the happiness you already have by yourself. It took me a while to realize this, and a big part of finding this inner peace and happiness was through my Slut Phase.

Now, before I discuss the details of my Slut Phase, I want to explain why I call it that and why I know it might offend some people. Slut. Whore. Bitch. Skank. My friends and I call each other these words all the time.

“Hey slut, what’s up?”

“I love you, skank!”

They have become more like terms of endearment than anything else. These words can have a negative connotation – but only if we let them. I’m taking ownership of the word “slut” by calling my time of sexual freedom and exploration my Slut Phase. Men that sleep with a lot of women are cool and celebrated for being able to snatch up so many women. If a woman sleeps with a lot of men she is called a slut. It doesn’t make sense.

Sure, sleeping around is a bit slutty, that is the definition of the word. But it shouldn’t be a bad thing. As long as everything is safe and consensual, every woman should be able to do as she pleases without being made to feel less than.

The term Slut Phase is very open-ended, and honestly, it can be called anything. It means something different to everyone and I believe that it is an important part of learning who you are as an individual, sexually and otherwise.

Call it a Slut Phase, call it whatever you want, but take some time in your life to be free. Sleep around with people you meet at a bar, at a movie theater, online, anywhere! Make out with randos at a party, talk to people and learn about yourself in the process. The only way to find out what you like is by experimenting.

Take as much or as little time as you like. My Slut Phase lasted about a year. My friend hooked up with a couple guys after a break-up and then a month later clicked with someone and is in a new relationship. My other friend made out with a bunch of guys and had three guys tell her they love her. Like I said, it means different things to different people.

Let’s back track to when I was a hot mess after my break up. My ex broke up with me towards the end of the summer, so I headed back to school for my junior year with a fresh perspective on life. I joined a sorority my fall semester and they helped me regain a sense of who I was. Feeling better about the break-up, I realized that I was better off without her. I had a whole world to explore and dammit, I was going to.

So I joined OkCupid. I had no expectations; I just wanted to see what it was like. Creating a profile was weird. I didn’t know what to write about myself or what pictures to upload. The hardest part to answer was the “I am looking for…” section. They gave you some options: new friends, long-term dating, short-term dating, etc. I had no clue what I was looking for, so I just clicked them all. I was open to anything at this point.

Once I started publishing things on my profile, the messages flooded in. Literally. The men on there give no fucks and will send you a message even if you have no picture and an empty profile.

To be honest, I loved the attention. I constantly checked my profile, reading every new message. It was a nice change of pace from being heartbroken to having affection sent my way, even if it was in the form of a notification on my phone from a stranger.

I started talking to some people – even guys, which was new to me. I slowly started to get to know people, exchange flirty messages and even give some of them my number. I didn’t meet up with anyone just yet.

During winter break of that year, I hit it off with a girl and we instantly clicked. We quickly made plans to meet up and by the end of our first date; we were in a relationship. She was smart, sexy and nerdy – just my type. We had lots of laughs and lots of sex and it felt good to be in a relationship again. 

But something still wasn’t right. I wasn’t ready for the level of commitment that she wanted from me. She told me she loved me after three weeks of knowing each other and it scared the hell out of me. We broke it off after two months, which was the right decision for both of us.

Despite having gone through another breakup, I wasn’t a mess. I actually felt more confident and sure of myself. My second girlfriend brought out this sexual desire and knowledge in me that wasn’t there with my first relationship.

I went back on OkCupid and I think this was the true beginning of my Slut Phase, my senior year. I went on dates and hooked up with guys. I had one steady fuck buddy, but since he was an asshole, there were a few other guys I messed around with.

Despite having spent a lot of time talking to others, it was also a time of self-reflection and learning about myself. I learned about what I like and do not like sexually in a partner, and that I can’t sacrifice things in a relationship. If something isn’t working, don’t force it. I met some great people but also some real assholes and it showed me that I deserve the best, as do all women. Don’t settle for anything less than what you deserve!

Despite it being called a Slut Phase, I learned more than just sexual things. Being alone gave me the chance to bond with myself and master how to be independent. My confidence came back and I learned to love everything about myself. I also learned about the not-so-good things about myself, like the fact that I am super impatient and sort of a control freak.

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The end of my Slut Phase had the best ending possible – I met the perfect person. My boyfriend and I have been together for a year now and I couldn’t be happier. I knew the end of my phase had arrived the day we met. He and I had actually first talked on OkCupid towards the beginning of my Slut Phase. We messaged back and forth a couple of times but then I stopped responding. A couple months later, a few more messages and he stopped responding. The timing wasn’t right. He was getting over a breakup and I was enjoying being single. 

We later reconnected and finally met up! A year later and things are going so well. He had gone through a Slut Phase of his own and we both were ready for something deeper. We weren’t even looking for it, either. It sort of just happened.

I think that’s the best way to find a relationship – stop looking for one. You sometimes have to go through a lot of the wrong types of people to find the right one, but I promise you that when you are least expecting it, the perfect person will come along.