For more from Olga, check out our sister site, xoVain.com.
It’ll give you some much needed perspective.
It’s been an interesting year for me with lots of surprises and not all of them very good. In fact, most of them were very bad.
But sometime in January everything was running smoothly. So smoothly, in fact, that my life was straight up boring. While listening to my friends talk about everything from career trouble to relationship trouble, I legitimately had absolutely zero to report. My job was boring but paid decently and January was the driest month ever.
Forget sex, I don’t even think I even went out on one date that whole entire month. Do I exist if there isn’t a guy there to fawn over me?
Anyway, I was content, a little sexually frustrated, but content. I was embarking on a Paleo adventure and working out almost every day. I was cooking, paying my bills and staying out of trouble. Not to mention I was keeping my pesky anxiety and extreme mood swings in check. Nothing to see here, folks. Everything was N-O-R-M-A-L.
But just when I thought everything was progressing at a reasonable pace and I was finally blooming into a completely functional and stable adult, towards the end of February Saturn went retrograde, the earth shook and I was again flung into a state of complete emotional chaos. I really don’t want to get into all that happened right now. Everything is too fresh, too much and right now, to me, it’s too none of your business. Let’s just say that life became very hectic and chaotic very quickly and those who know me know that I was doing my best to hold on through the chaos.
And while we’re on the topic of people who know me, I’d have to say my ex-boyfriends know me better than probably my closest friends.
I actually don’t have very many ex-boyfriends. Sure I date a lot, or as I like to refer to it as “spending time together,” but establishing an actual relationship and slapping a “boyfriend” label on a guy is something I take very seriously, and since it’s a rare occasion that I take anything seriously, it’s even rarer that I have an actual boyfriend.
However, when it does happen, that poor schmuck is in for a treat because that’s on whom I unload my very special brand of emotional dysfunction on (we all have one). I know I should look into getting a therapist, but I have no health insurance, so until then … I’m so sorry.
Anyway, I was stressing the fuck out and sometimes when you’re feeling a little lost, a little self-destructive and in dire need of a clean slate, you kind of just need to sleep with your ex boyfriend.
I know what you’re thinking: “Why not just pick up a new guy?” Well, honestly, if you’re not in a place where you want a relationship and you don’t have an FWB, that leaves you with the completely unfulfilling option of the one night stand. If that’s your thing, roll with it. For me, it’s just always ended up being more of a waste of time than fun and thrilling.
I’d pick an ex you had great sex with. Bonus points if that was the sole reason you stayed in that relationship for as long as you did. Sometimes good dick is hard to let go of no matter how much of an asshat it was attached to. Chances are, if the sex was fantastic before, it’ll be at the very least good again –- just minus all the feelings.
Think about it, he already knows how to get you going. Navigating each other’s bodies will be like riding a bicycle.
Which brings me to my next tip: Please get some distance. Make sure it’s an ex you haven’t seen in forever (like many months to possibly a year). Also, make sure you’re not still in love with the guy. We’re trying to de-stress here, not self-destruct. And while we’re at it, make sure he’s not still in love with you. Your life is dramatic enough as it is.
So, you’ll pick a place to meet. You want to find a place that’s not romantic and yet not a complete shithole: preferably one with good liquor, because if you’re anything like me, you’re going to need some. Just make sure you’re taking it easy because “drunk mess” is not a good look, even if you’ve already dated. Keep the conversation light and mellow because he’s probably just as confused about exactly why he decided meeting up was a good idea as you are.
Once it’s established that you both come in peace, have some fun. You both already know each other so it won’t be that difficult to feel your most comfortable again. It’ll almost feel like hanging out with an old friend … well except for all that sexual tension.
For me, having sex with my ex was one of the best decisions I made for myself emotionally. It did much more for me than I expected. Obviously, it was an ego boost, lots of fun and let me recharge and regroup. It was almost like a time out because I wasn’t exactly moving backward, but I definitely wasn’t moving forward either. But I didn’t except was the complete sense of relief I felt the next day.
Our relationship ended so badly and there was so much resentment and hurt feelings, it was very difficult, for me anyway, to view that relationship as anything but a total mistake. But having that one night reminded me of how great he can be and how much fun we did have. It was a nice commemoration to the time that we shared.
After he left, I went about my day feeling good about it all. Maybe we could be friends again. Maybe we could be friends who sleep together occasionally. And then I noticed the huge and obviously deliberate hickey on my neck and thought, nope, better to just leave things as they are.
Do you still bone your exs? Do you feel good about it?