Barneys New York Gives Minnie Mouse Extreme Weight Loss Makeover FOR NO GOOD REASON WHATSOEVER

WTF, I'm quitting life, you guys.

Aug 31, 2012 at 10:30am | Leave a comment

Remember when the Disney Store bizarrely remade Ursula from The Little Mermaid into a rail-thin Barbie bobblehead doll and I was really upset? 

Disney, evidently, cares nothing for my feelings (in spite of my well-documented passionate love for their theme parks), because they’re doing it all over again.

Hoity-toity rich-people department store Barneys New York is partnering with Disney for their holiday windows this year, the plan being to give classic Disney characters high-fashion makeovers. This sounds fun, on the surface, except for what apparently happened in the initial conversations about the concept:

[Barneys Creative Director] Dennis Freedman explains, "The standard Minnie Mouse will not look so good in a Lanvin dress. There was a real moment of silence, because these characters don't change. I said, 'If we're going to make this work, we have to have a 5-foot-11 Minnie,' and [the animators] agreed. When you see Goofy, Minnie and Mickey, they are runway models."

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SO CHIC. Giant-ass mouse heads are gonna be all the rage next spring.

…. It’s MINNIE FUCKING MOUSE, you guys. Does Minnie Mouse need to look good in a Lanvin dress? More than that, could Lanvin maybe bend the rules a little for a character with more worldwide cultural influence than Coco Chanel and Anna Wintour combined? (OH SURE, fight with me on this, but I guarantee a planet-wide poll would find far more people who know Minnie Mouse than either of these remarkable real-life women.)

Also, there was A MOMENT OF SILENCE, like, WE NOW MOURN THE DEATH OF MINNIE MOUSE AND ALL THAT WAS LINGERINGLY SACRED ABOUT YOUR CHILDHOOD.

Not horrified yet? Bear reluctant witness to Hipster Douchebag Goofy, who looks like the singer of some yet-unknown band that's going to break out ANY DAY NOW -- maybe that's even the name of the band, ANY DAY NOW, in caps -- the kind of guy who'd charm you at the bar with a mixture of arrogance and poor-taste humor, and then who'd give you herpes on a one night stand and never call you again.

And Daisy Duck -- well, okay, Daisy’s Dolce & Gabbana dress is super cute and I really like the matching bow but THAT IS NOT DAISY DUCK. How would she even swim? She’d have no buoyancy.

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Swank.

I mean, sure, they’re stylized representations, and the whole idea of these collaborations is to create something people are eager to see. But damn y’all, did they have to stylize them SO MUCH? (JUST LOOK at Goofy's super creepy man hands! I will be seeing those in my nightmares.)

What do you think of the collaborative designs? All in good fun, or horrifying abortions of much-loved childhood characters that looked FINE just they way they were? Throw down in comments.