17th June 2007 – six months pregnant
Well, it’s Father’s Day today, what a joke.
It all kicked off this week. I’d decided I’d finally had enough and rang Monday night asking him to call me back as we needed to talk. He didn’t call. Later the next day Gem rang pretending to be someone else and he answered his phone straight away. It made me so mad because I’d tried calling and he just didn’t pick up then didn’t even bother to call back. So I took some action.
I tracked down his wife’s number and left a message on her voicemail saying who I was and that I needed to speak to her about Dan.
Then I called Dan and obviously he didn’t pick up so I left a voicemail message saying, ‘I’ve just left a message on your wife’s phone, if you don’t call me back in the next five minutes the next person I’ll be speaking to is her.’ He called back within the minute. What a fucking loser. Then he proceeded to shout at me for calling her and said that this was the first chance he’s had to use/answer his phone. God, I could just hear him lying and was just so ANGRY.
So, we had a big ‘discussion’ and I managed to hold it together this time because I was just so angry about the lying and being treated so disrespectfully by him that something had changed inside and talking to him only confirmed that.
I said we needed to talk and he replied, ‘what about?’ I mean, just how ignorant is he? I was like, ‘your baby. Whether or not you want to be involved we have things to discuss.’ I said to him that he’s known about the baby just as long as I have and he said, ‘So, what’s that got to do with anything?’ Really, his ignorance was blindsiding me and I just said, ‘Pull yourself together.’ And he spoke the legendary words of teenagers across the country – ‘Don’t tell me what to do’. I actually laughed out loud.
As soon as he said this I just thought what a pathetic, selfish, petulant child you are. Not once did he ask how we were.
Anyway, he agreed to meet me, though he said he couldn’t do it this weekend as he was going to a stag weekend, but he said he was in London the following week for a press event and that he’d see me then. We left it at that and he just kept asking what I was going to say to his wife. Over and over again and I just said that I didn’t know. He must have been absolutely shitting it and I have to admit I did take a tiny bit of glee in that.
I’ve put up with his crap for months and now I’m finally strong enough to control my feelings and the situation we’re in. I don’t think he knows what’s hit him. But if he’d shown the slightest bit of respect or care towards us I would never have felt pushed into this. But he’s only ever considered himself in this mess. Both his wife and I have spent months not really knowing the truth about anything.
His wife rang me back and I ignored it at first. Then I had Dan texting – I am sorry. And that she’d rang him and he’d told her but she’d hung up but please, please not to talk to her to let him do it. Of course, because how else would he be able to spin this mess to make himself look less shit.
I asked the girls what they thought. If their other half had been cheating on them would they want to speak to the other woman? Was it worse, better? They thought that I owed it to her to speak with her if she wanted that even if she rightly, called me every name under the sun.
We spoke for about five minutes and she was actually very civil. She didn’t shout or swear and she most certainly could have. I told her when it started, that I got pregnant and that he was okay about it at first and that his family knew about us. Anyway, I obviously shitted him up good and proper as he’d obviously told her that he wanted nothing to do with the baby from the start. What an absolute scumbag. I remember us walking home from a dinner at Tash’s house and him stopping me in the middle of the street and holding my face, looking me in the eyes and telling me everything was going to be just fine before kissing me and taking my hand to go home. Yes, that certainly sounds like you wanted nothing to do with us.
Well, after I had finished on the phone with her he rang me and just shouted down the phone that he never wanted to fucking see me ever again and hung up.
What an absolute gentleman your father turned out to be. It’s so disappointing he didn’t give a second thought to the fact that I’m pregnant and stress isn’t that grand for babies. Funnily enough, him shouting at me didn’t even really bother me anymore; he couldn’t hurt me anymore than when he left. He rang twice more shouting abuse but I cut him off the third time. Then I got a text from his wife asking me to send her any emails or anything I have because she’ll need it for this divorce, and that she was sorry she knew this was horrible for me too. But I decided that was a bad idea, she didn’t need to read all that crap.
Then I had Dan calling and leaving a pathetic message asking me not to send her anything and that he was sorry he shouted abuse but that he’d been angry and upset. Well, welcome to my world you bastard.
I’d already replied to his wife that I was not getting involved any further and that the emails would only hurt her unnecessarily and weren’t necessary if she truly wanted a divorce. But I wasn’t going to tell Dan that.
There were a few more texts between Dan and I and mum thought I should still try and get him to meet me, just to see me pregnant, to which he agreed but we’ll see.
He then text me Thursday asking for my address. Which I couldn’t believe he didn’t have and that hurt a bit. He doesn’t even know where we live. I asked why he wanted it and he said his wife was divorcing him on grounds of adultery and needs it. Please. I told him that no she did not and that he could sort his marriage out himself. Then he basically begged and asked me to do this one thing for him. I stuck to my guns and said no, it’s your problem. It feels just the tiniest bit good to know he’s finally getting his comeuppance.
After his behaviour this week I don’t want him in our lives at all. You deserve a real dad. And Dan is just too selfish to be that and I want more for you. I don’t trust him either, not after the way he spoke to me and the desperate, cowardly way he’s trying to cover his own arse. Dude, we had an affair, we fucked up real good, at least try and be decent now and come clean about it.
Some people think he’ll still want to be involved with you but I’m not so sure, I just don’t think he has it in him to see beyond himself, especially at the moment.
I found this part of my diary quite hard to re-read. Five years have passed and I rarely think about how malicious the relationship between Dan and me turned when he felt like his life had disintegrated and I felt alone and abandoned.
If I could do things differently I don’t think I would have spoken to his wife, I would have let him tell her or not, in his own time and not contacted him at all, but this would have taken Herculean-like self-control and I’m afraid to say I am only a mere mortal.