Why Do I Become a Walking Vagina the Week Before My Period?

Preparing to shed my uterile lining is apparently the biological equivalent of some sweet Barry Manilow tunes and a bottle of Peach Boone's Farm.

Dec 7, 2011 at 12:00pm | Leave a comment

Because xoJane is as safe place for womyn, I don't mind telling you that I was awoken at 5:30 am this morning by cramps so bad I couldn't go back to sleep. I took 3 extra-strength Tylenol and I'm still in pain.

There was a time in my life when I didn't want to admit that there is actually a thing called PMS that affects women, but at this point it would be dishonest to pretend my period is anything less than a natural disaster. This shit fucks me UP, yo.

I just got up for something, tripped over my computer cord, then lay on the floor for a few minutes in a silent, face-crumpling cry. I blame my period entirely.

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You already know I get depressed, highly emotional and self-loathing, but what I haven't mentioned is that I basically turn into Stifler's mom for a week leading up to my period. Preparing to shed my uterile lining is apparently the biological equivalent of some sweet Barry Manilow tunes and a bottle of Peach Boone's Farm.

I try to Peg Bundy my boyfriend into my footie pajamas, I have explosive porn orgasms, I eye-sex strangers on the train. (I'm sorry, honey, but that time I got a Missed Connections ad written about me, I was sort of asking for it.)

I'm a pretty DTF girl anyway, but before my period I feel like my body consists mainly of an engorged clitoris. Is this what it's like to be a guy? No wonder they act sooooo stupid.

According to Dr. O, the genitals actually do become sensitive and swollen during ovulation, although she doesn't say anything about them getting up on two legs and walking around posing as you.

"At the end of the day, you are fertile 10-14 days before your period. It's in your interest to be horny from your body's perspective since one of our jobs evolutionarily is to procreate. It stands to reason that you would be most interested when your body is set up to get pregnant. The high progesterone at that part of your cycle also makes the genitals a little swollen and sensitive. For some women that's a turn on, for others, not so much. Same thing happens in pregnancy, the other time you have high progesterone."

OH WELL GREAT. I can't wait to get pregnant and spend 9 months humping couch cushions.

I don't actually know if the whole ovulation thing is the explanation, unless I am a freak who ovulates RIGHT before and slightly into my period, as well as being a useless ugly jerk with nobody to love her. Oops, sorry, my period was typing for a minute there.

But I'm sure there are enough hormones getting slung around during menstruation to account for all my weird behavior. And while I guess we're all just bundles of chemicals, and there's not such thing as "real feelings" and "hormonal feelings," I resent being controlled by these weird, MEAN biological messages. Go bother someone else, hormones! I've got enough to deal with!

And as a person with sex Issues, I reeeally don't need some nasty ol' hormones telling me to hop on any scumbag who looks in my direction. In recovery circles, we talk about HALT. It stands for hungry, angry, lonely, tired, and it's meant to remind you of times you may be vulnerable to relapse. It screws up the acryonym, but we really need to get a P for period in there as well. 

Plus, it's just distracting. I'll never be president if I lose a week to sexual fantasy and self-loathing every month. It's 2011, can't we invent something to give me back those 12 weeks a year when I'm effectively disabled by PMS?

Do you turn into a sex monster at some point during your cycle? What's your worst PMS symptom? Do you think if dudes had periods, PMS would have an over-the-counter cure like indigestion or something?