I’m British. This means a few things. I am statistically under a raincloud for the majority of the year. I watch "Eastenders." And I have shit teeth.
I must make the note here that I know many, many British friends, colleagues, neighbours, hell -- even FAMOUS people who have lovely teeth. It’s not a nationwide endemic. But I’m not helping.
My teeth have been described as "rabbit teeth" (by some cow in my maths class when I was 14, THANKS CARLIE), "wonky" and most recently "statement teeth," by a bloke I work with who I have to fight an almost constant battle with myself not to punch in the face every time he comes into the office. The bottom set of my teeth rest haphazardly against one another, like drunks against a fence. They all point in different directions, and a few of them even overlap! How exciting.
The top set have been squeezed inward to make way for my bastard wisdom teeth, which seem to grow a little every six months or so and leave me in unbearable agony until they suddenly decide to get better just before I FINALLY give in and phone a dentist. My left incisor has even managed to push it’s sister BEHIND my front tooth -- leaving me with what I affectionately refer to as my "Egg Tooth."
You know how chicks have a teeny weeny little tooth on the end of their beak, so they can crack themselves out of their egg? Yeah, that. (Google them, they’re really cute. On a chick. On a human, not so much)
When everyone was getting train-track braces when I was about 12, I decided that I wasn’t really up for it. It all looked quite painful, and what if you got FOOD stuck in them? And how were you supposed to snog with tongues? Eugh. So I threw orthodontic caution to the wind and let my smile take its own natural course.
13 years on, I have a few regrets. For what would have been a year or so of having braces probably would have meant that my teeth at least all faced the same way.
I’ve spent a fair amount of time Googling Invisalign braces and their cheaper cousins but short of selling everything I own, I won’t be getting one of those anytime soon (HEY, INVISALIGN! OVER HERE!), thus I have had to try and make the most of my big ol’ Bugs Bunny teeth by enhancing them in other ways.
So, I have teeth that could scare small children, but hey -- they’re so white you can see me in the dark. I’ve gone for the "Crest 3D Whitestrip the hell out of them" approach, whereby you use as many of the easy-peasy sticky whitening strips as you can possibly get away with before making your enamel so thin and sensitive that you essentially can’t eat or drink anything apart from through a straw. Weight-loss AND white teeth! Bargainous.
I’m sort of joking though, I’ve never actually had any sensitivity issues with the Crest strips and I would highly recommend them. My boyfriend and I pick up about 3 boxes of them every time we head Stateside, and bleach the shit out of our teeth until people actually wince when they look directly at us. Blinding!
I learned from a young age that cool, blue-toned lip colours make your teeth look whiter, and have spent my adult years searching out those perfect shades that eliminate any sign of yellow in my smile. If you have a less than pearly white smile, NEVER go for a warm-toned lip colour. You’ll look like you smoke 40 a day. My top picks for a brighter smile are:
Mac’s Ruby Woo: THE BEST RED EVER. Matte, cool toned and screams sex, even if your teeth are completely bashed to fuck and you look like Shane McGowan.
Physicians Formula Happy Booster Glow & Mood Boosting Lipstick in Rose, $9: I always grab a couple of these when I visit. Just the right amount of blue tones to make your smile SHINE.
Those clever babes at Benefit have designed the perfect lipgloss to make teeth appear whiter and brighter. The minty California Kissin’ Lip Shine, $20, is an aqua sheen which can be worn alone or over lipstick or gloss and does the job wonderfully.
OK, so you’ve got the perfect white smile and you’ve dressed your lips up to the nines. Now you need the confidence to bare all. There’s no point going through all the rigmarole of sticking tape on your teeth every morning and night if you’re not going to be brave enough to SMILE.
Everyone looks better when they smile, it’s a fact. Apart from maybe Pete Doherty. I championed the Victoria Beckham pout for about 6 years until I realised that it actually made me look constipated and I was better off showing my "rabbit teeth" after all.
So until I have saved enough to get myself some whacking great veneers, that will have to do.
It’s taken a while, but I’ve come to grudgingly accept my less-than-Hollywood smile. Have you got any top confidence-boosting tips for me? Or maybe you’ve got really perfect teeth and you want to brag. Have you had braces in adulthood? Comment and let me know! I’m tempted.
I’m probably taking photos of Pot Noodles and Instagramming them like a fucking annoying hipster twat over on Twitter. Come and say Hi! @Natalie_KateM