Tales from an Ornery Vag: Tips for Curing Persistent Lady Infections, Yo!

Every time I get sick or even feel the INKLING that I might get sick (the sniffling, the itchy throat) My Vagina FREAKS. THE. FUCK. OUT.

Mar 1, 2013 at 10:00am | Leave a comment

I need to know I’m not alone with this, you guys. Every time I get sick or even feel the INKLING that I might get sick (the sniffling, the itchy throat) My Vagina FREAKS. THE. FUCK. OUT. 

For example, a few weeks ago, when I fell ill with that pesky influenza, I started getting that familiar, mind-blowingly uncomfortable burning that clearly indicated that I’d contracted an ever-so-lovely UTI. I spent the better part of a week running to the bathroom to either pee or blow my nose. YIKES. 

And this is hardly the first time that I’ve suffered this sucker punch to the vagina during a time of illness. I kid you not, any time I feel even the slightest bit of resurgent anxiety, I get a full-fledged yeast infection or something. And then I feel THAT much more defeated on the track to getting healthy. It’s such a pain in the ass-vagina!

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This was a pic from the flu/UTI fiasco. Hell on Earth. But that comfy-ass duvet helped. 

And I’m getting really sick of it. Slash kind of worried about the psycho-somatic-ness of it all. Do we think this is happening because the immune system is a mysterious, hyper-receptive, nebulous thing that falters under pressure of any kind (mental or physical)? OR is it because My Vagina is actually the biggest bitch in town? OR is it because of that one time my birth control caused serious damage?

Oh, I haven’t told you guys about that? Quick aside, then: My stupid (male, just saying) gynecologist failed to mention that my birth control was causing considerable damage to my vaginal lining. Like, the word “atrophied” was thrown around a lot. Like, he eventually admitted that my twenty-year-old insides looked like an elderly woman’s lady bits. FUN FACT, my BC was draining my Estrogen levels. Worst time of my life. 

The reason why I choose to say that he “finally admitted” to my condition, is because after almost a year of me coming into his office and crying about severe pain and reoccurring infections, he neglected to tell me that I looked slightly off down there. And by the time he came around to suggesting that my birth control was the problem, things had gotten out of hand. AND even then, he kept pushing me to try more birth controls, estrogen-boosting jellies, and other worrisome remedies, claiming that using condoms wouldn’t be “favorable for my partner.” Yeah. FUCK that guy. 

But that was in high school, and I have recovered fully. Or so I had THOUGHT. I mean, I’m not getting weekly infections like I used to, I don’t have searing pain all the time, and everything seems to be in working order, except for when I get sick. Or feel stressed. 

Luckily for me, I’ve managed to fend off some of these bouts of vagina-related illnesses with some probiotics and stuff. 

So if you’re in the middle of a funk, I suggest you get your hands on these herbal supplements and over-the-counter remedies instead of chomping down on antibiotics or gunky suppositories if you can avoid them. 

 1. Cranberry pills: Ok I know SOMEONE out there is going to be all “Psh, you don’t know anything, you’d need a million cranberries to counteract a UTI, blah, blah, blah,” but these pills are a diuretic. And anything that helps me flush out the bacterium that latches itself into the walls of my urethra like a parasitic monster is more than welcome. You’re welcome for the imagery as well. 

2. Garlic pills: Apparently, garlic is the bomb. Garlic oil has even been known to treat fungal infection and bacteria like E.Coli, which can cause UTIs. 

3. Acidophilus: Probiotics! Yaaaaaas! I, for one, am anti-yogurt. Ardently so. It always tastes like solidified sour milk to me. Seriously, when people try to tell me that they sincerely prefer froyo over ice cream, I want to punch them a little bit. And I’m pretty kind-hearted, generally speaking! OFF TASK, GABI. 

Probiotics have all the pH regulating powers of the world packed into one little pill, so I get the benefits of a daily yogurt without wanting to kill myself. Basically, they help to balance out wacky pH levels in your under-carriage, which can cause BV or yeast infections.

If you don’t necessarily need a daily vag upkeep regimen like yours truly, you might want to opt for RePhresh (clever!) Pro-B, which is a super-strength probiotic that you can get over-the-counter in times of dire need.

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Gotta love it. 



It really works; just remember to keep it refrigerated so that all the little cultures swimming around in there stay effective. Kinda freaky and gross. Like this article! It comes around full circle, ladies. And the gents who came here because they’re curious lil’ bastards. 

SO, now I leave it to you, women. Tell me why you think my vagina is so damn ornery. And, if you have any other homeopathic or herbal suggestions, lay ‘em on me! I’ll try anything at this point.