I find many men's apartments depressing.
“Why is it so dark in here?” I usually say, pushing back a black-out curtain to let some sun in.
I know a ton of men have a knack for design and home aesthetics—and a ton of women don’t—but it seems like a lot of guys my age pick “dungeon” as the color scheme for their décor: Dark gray, brown, and occasionally navy.
It’s not like I’m going to start sneaking taupe and cream paint swatches into guys' dresser drawers or tell them a bright accent wall would look, like, really nice over there *winkwink.*
(I do often suggest lighter bedding would make those stains a little less visible, though.)
If Dude’s cool with his apartment looking like a suburban Mom’s basement ripped from "Game of Thrones," that’s fine with me, man.
But there is one thing I've noticed in many guys' places that makes me want to snotty-sob forever. And that's an unused bathtub.
“WHY DOES YOUR TUB HAVE PLANTS IN IT?” I yelled to my guy friend while on his toilet.
He mumbled something back about not being bothered to clean it.
“I can’t understand,” I started again when he was complaining about his back problems a few days later. “Why would you keep plants in your tub when you could use it? It's so big. So nice...”
A couple weeks ago, the hot water at our house kicked it, so I showered at my neighbor’s. As I stood under the water stream like that weird puppy from Vine, I noticed the grime on the bottom of his tub.
“You don’t take baths in there, do you?” I whispered cryptically as I dried myself off in his hallway.
“Yeah, it’s gross, sorry,” he said.
“No, I mean, it’s fine," I stammered. "But… baths? Don’t you want to take them?”
“Eh, I’m too tall for most of them, anyway.”
I stared at him like he had just told me he thought that zoo in Japan where you could hold otters' hands was a dumb idea.
(It is a BRILLIANT idea.)
Obviously, I understand if you’re not taking baths ‘cause you don’t have one. And I get that tubs are a pain in the ass to clean. (Doesn't cleaning always suck, though?)
But baths not only allow you to escape the outside world to splash around in a basin with fun bubbles and stuff—they’re also great for your health.
Taking warm baths soothes tense muscles, relieves stress, and helps you sleep better.
Hydrotherapy (or, uh, water therapy, duh) has been used for centuries. And since it’s recorded to have been used in Roman and Egyptian civilizations, I think it’s safe to assume Cleopatra took baths.
DON'T YOU WANT TO BE AS BADASS AS CLEOPATRA?
So if soaking in the tub isn’t part of your current health and beauty ritual, here are some [more] reasons to start.
YOU CAN EXFOLIATE WITHOUT FEAR OF SLIPPING AND FALLING AND DYING
Being able to sit whilst scrubbing off dead skin cells alleviates that last irrational anxiety, since I'm not required to balance on one pigeon-toed foot.
I love Lush's Ocean Salt Scrub made with avocado and coconut to nourish skin and exfoliate prior to shaving (which is ALSO easier when you're sitting down).
And my Sea Foam Bath Sponge is the most magical thing I've ever bought, since it gently scrubs off grime and looks old-school and not all plastic and creepy, like a loofah that doesn't come in packaging (WHY?) from CVS.
IT MAKES MEDITATING EASIER
I'm a huge fan of meditation and think it's helped me deal with my cuckoo-crazy stress and anger issues immensely.
Still, I get antsy and full of excuses when I'm trying to sit cross-legged on my bed for 15 minutes.
Taking a 15-20 minute bath is the perfect time to meditate. I add Dr. Teal's Epsom Salt with Lavender for the extra aromatherapy to calm down my racing brain.
The product recommends 20 minutes of soaking time to soothe sore muscles (that I often have from working out and climbing tangerine trees), so I set an alarm and refuse to get out until the time is up.
YOU GET MORE SOLO SEXY TIME
A major factor of achieving orgasm is being able to relax.
Your muscles are already less tense in a hot bath, and you're getting all that aromatherapy from the scented epsom salt. So it's prime time to GET DOWN.
A lot of Jimmyjane's vibrators are good to go under water. There's also this weird-o sex toy I discovered called Bubble Love, made specifically for the tub.
It's a hand-held personal massager that sucks up water, and jets out a bunch of bubbles to "relax and rejuvenate your body." Then there's the Dilly Attachment which is like... a dildo.
It's a dildo for your bubble jet massager.
I spent many minutes laughing at Bubble Love: It looks like an iron, and even though it comes with a suction cup to secure it to the floor of your tub, I felt like I was trying to get off with a perverted little sea monster scurrying about and spitting water all over my bathroom before I got the hang of it.
But it was fun! And it's quiet, allows you to control the intensity of the bubble stream, and all of my roommates are jealous of it. And did I mention it works?
(BRB taking a bath.)
IT'S GREAT FOR YOUR SKIN
The hot water and steam opens up pores and improves blood circulation, one. Two: Just like having the time to meditate, time in the tub is also great for putting on a face mask.
YOU'LL FEEL LIKE A LUXURIOUS RICH PERSON
If you're not in the place to splurge on spas, baths can basically provide a cheap equivalent to some soothing R&R time.
Light a candle, pour that glass of wine, or sprinkle in some rose petals or whatever, 'cause self-care is super vital to your physical and mental wellbeing.
And, really: You don't have to do anything except sit there to reap all of these benefits.
(Other than chase around a personal massager if you haven't read the instruction manual.)
Are you a fan of the baths? Post your sexy soapy leg pics so we can get this thread all Tumblr-like!
And don't you LOVE taking baths with other people? My European roommate (who took my pic for this post) told me taking baths with her friends is normal in Sweden. You down?
Lastly: Why do you think men love dungeon-themed rooms so much? Wait, don't answer that.
Follow me on Twitter: @caitlinthornton