What is a time of joy for many women was my darkest hour.
I think one of the fun parts about aging is that you get a lot more secure in your choices. I no longer go out on a weekend night just because I think I "should." I can politely, but firmly, turn down a perfume sample. I don't say "yes" to fresh ground pepper when I'd rather have regular, time-ravaged table pepper on my Caesar salad. I fake orgasm a lot less than I used to, on conference calls.But there are still a lot of things that I don't get quite right.Thankfully, I have the Internet to tell me what they are. Like this article that Em sent around yesterday, "How to Take a Shower: Yes, You're Probably Doing it Wrong," which helpfully me know I've been bathing incorrectly.Okay, sure. I probably wash my hair too much and with too many chemicals, and numerous people have told me (on Instagram, where I post most of my pouty bathroom selfies) that I shouldn't be brushing my teeth in the tub because something Dr. Oz said about showerhead bacteria.
But there's more? Seriously, am I a grown person who can't wash myself?I guess, according to the author of that particular post. Apparently my shower is too hot and too thorough (I should only be soaping my boobs, pits and crack, according to her. What about neck schmutz and my horror feet? I pretty much never change my socks). I should also apply hydrating oils and skip storing all of my natural products in there. (Luckily I have very few natural products, favoring slathering myself with artificially pink things that use the carcinogens to smell like cinnamon buns.)Jesus Christ. I mean, there are so many things I absolutely know I'm fouling up, but I didn't think the one thing that I did every day (more or less) without seriously injuring myself was one of them. I mean, it's kind of the only thing I'm really really good at (you should hear my shower Prince -- it's impeccable). So I had to ask the Internet: What else am I failing at, all the fucking time? A quick Google search of some of my favorite, every day rote activities followed by the term "wrong" helped me find out.Washing DishesSource: Wikihow What I've Been Doing Wrong: Not caressing my dishes after I wash them.How Have I Been Fucking It Up: "Run a hand over the dish to ensure that it offers some resistance. If your fingers slide over the item too fluidly and without squeaking, there is probably some grease remaining, and you might consider rewashing the item."Using FacebookSource: SociallyGold.com What I've Been Doing Wrong: Not getting paid, evidently.How I've Been Fucking It Up: "Your page should work on building recognition and trust, not an attempt at making money. The money will come, trust me."PackingSource: Martha Stewart What I've Been Doing Wrong: Not kicking the shit out of my stuff.How I've Been Fucking It Up: "Drop the bag on the floor a few times, then open it -- things will have settled, and you'll find extra room."Eating SoupSource: Personality Tutor.comWhat I've Been Doing Wrong: Gesticulating wildlyHow I've Been Fucking It Up: "Do not point towards people using spoons."MasturbatingSource: Men's Health What I've Been Doing Wrong: See below.How I've Been Fucking It Up: "Keep electronics and plants out of your urethra."Petting a Kitty CatSource: About.com What I've Been Doing Wrong: Not being enough of a dick.How I've Been Fucking It Up: "If he’s on your lap, don’t push him off or he’ll grab your hands. To end the petting, simply stand up and dump him off without touching."SleepingSource: Glamour What I've Been Doing Wrong: I don't even know anymore.How I've Been Fucking It Up: "Doctors recommend sewing a tennis ball in the back of your PJs to keep you from ending up on your back, or at least get a wedge pillow with a 30 percent incline to keep you from lying flat."Putting on PantsSource: GOD HIMSELF (via ActsEighteen.com) What I've Been Doing Wrong: Maybe wearing them while FEMALE.How I've Been Fucking It Up: "Some Christians have taken this verse to mean that Christian women shouldn’t wear pants, arguing that pants are that which 'pertaineth unto a man.'"BreathingSource: Men's JournalWhat I've Been Doing Wrong: EVERYTHINGHow I've Been Fucking It Up: "1. Inhale deeply2. Exhale with a short burst (as if blowing out a candle). This helps activate your diaphragm, which most people don't use.3. Exhale with a long, slow finish to empty the lungs. Breathlessness comes from not expelling enough CO2.4. Inhale, filling your lungs from the bottom to the top, instead of taking short sips. Most use a third of their lung capacity.5. Hold for a moment to allow oxygen to saturate the cells.6. Exhale slowly and completely.7. Repeat steps 4 through 6 for five minutes."How about you guys? Ever find out you've been totally shitting the bed at what should be a simple everyday activity without even knowing it? Tell me what you've done in the comments but DO IT RIGHT, for fuck's sake.