I'm Headed Back to the Gym. Help!

Over the course of the last nine months or so, I’ve noticed that my favorite skinny jeans were threatening to sue me for defamation of character.

Apr 17, 2012 at 9:00am | Leave a comment

Last summer, I shot a small cameo for my friend Patrik’s new movie, "The Skinny." I played a poet named Bassey Ikpi. Meryl Streep was unavailable.

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The movie premiered in DC last Saturday to a sold out audience, and let me tell you there's nothing like seeing your body blown up on the big screen to put things in perspective. I know the camera adds 10 pounds but what if you already needed to lose 10 pounds? Exactly. I wasn't skinny in "The Skinny."

I’d known for a while that I've been putting on some weight. Over the course of the last nine months or so, I’ve noticed that my favorite skinny jeans were threatening to sue me for defamation of character.

Instead of doing something about it I just threw on a pair of leggings and some riding boots  and kept it moving. Leggings are just as evil past 30 as they were when I was in the third grade. Also, I now own more than 20 pairs of leggings.

I know you're supposed to be all "love your body no matter what!" but I'm more like "My body sucks. I want to fit into my $300 jeans again!" If my weight gain made me look all voluptuous and awesome like Christina Hendrick, I'd be all over it! My amazing friend Huny refers to women like herself and Christina as  a “thick snack.” Unfortunately I have none of those delicious ice cream type curves.

I never gain boob weight. I've been an A cup my entire adult life including when I was pregnant. Needless to say, I didn’t breastfeed. My son would have starved to death.  

And ever since the major surgery I had to remove a 10-pound growth in my uterus,  extra pounds go straight to my lopsided belly, thus making it even more lopsided. So instead of a "thick snack" of sex on a stick I look more like a plastic bag filled with Nutella.  

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Behind the scenes on the set of Skinny

OK I know I look pretty cute here all done up like a drag queen, but I didn't look fine blown up to 30 feet or however tall movie screens are. Plus, the real issue is that I look terrible naked and I want to look better naked. Naked Bassey 2012! 

Let’s put this in perspective, I’m 5'3'' and weigh about 135 pounds. I know numbers on a scale aren’t accurate reflections of one's health but still I'd prefer somewhere around 125 pounds. The number 125 means healthy for me.  125 says, “You’re working out. You’re eating. Your Citizens of Humanity jeans are still your friend.” 

I’ve had a ton of fitness false starts over the past few months. I always get super focused when it’s time for me to start a new routine; buying every single book on the new plan, new workout equipment, integral timers, home Pilates balls,  magical rubber band apparati and anything else Shaun T tells me to get. This new work-out high lasts for exactly one week.

The problem is every workout schedule lets you have one day a week to “rest.” That’s my downfall. Rest day always turns into rest month. 

I don’t know what happened to me. I used to be athletic. I used to be hardcore vegan. I used to know how to do this. When I lived in New York, I'd spend hours at the gym a day. Granted, that had more to do with hypomanic episodes than any will power on my part, but still.

Now I can’t seem to stick to anything. Not an eating plan. Not a workout routine. No matter how “fun” it is. I have a stack of dusty Wii fit games to prove it. 

But something must change. A lot of important "on camera" opportunities are coming up and I want to be able to concentrate on my career not whether or not a button-down is too tight. And to be perfectly honest,  I just want to feel good about how I look again. Is that so terrible and anti-feminist?

Bascially I'm determined to get in shape for summer and naturally want to write about the horrible experience. I'm hoping you'll keep me honest and motivated.

But here's the thing: despite having a bunch of dusty work out DVDs at home, I really don't know what to do to whip my body back into shape. I think walking is boring and I only run these days if I’m being chased and even then, I have to consider it. 

I bought Fitness For Dummies because obviously I need all the help I can get. Suggestions please!