What is a time of joy for many women was my darkest hour.
I have come here today to address a major topic of global concern: namely, the human butt. Please conduct yourselves with dignity, as this will be a very highbrow discussion.
To me, butts are mundane yet mysterious. As a society, we care little about their inner workings (gross) but very much about their appearance (hot! Or not). And I can't figure mine out.
I just don't get why some people are obsessed with butts. What is so sexy about the butt? When I'm walking down the street, gazing upon the handsome visages of various fine fellas, I don't turn around to look at their hindquarters. What's the point? A nice butt (whatever that means) isn't going to guarantee a great attitude, or a fantastic sense of humor, or an enthusiastic willingness to eat box on the regular. I mean, it's just a thing that he sits on, right?
As far as I can tell, gentlemen look at ladybutts because to do so makes them think of sex. While a beautiful face may clearly indicate that a lady is unobtainable, a larger butt seems to make women more accessible. A prominent ladybutt is some kind of community property, remarked upon and enjoyed and occasionally grabbed by gross freaks.
Personally, I've never gotten much notice for my butt. Rarely do I hear someone shout, "DAT ASS!" on the street (or in the bedroom). I just met a lady whose husband told her upon their first meeting, "You have the best ass I've ever seen." I have ne'er encountered this method of pitching woo, probably because my ass isn't really impressive.
I asked a guy friend what he thought of my butt and he kindly replied, "I usually don't get past your tits." Another gentleman conveyed his opinion that it looked like "a Catholic Church pew kneeler cushion." Wow. Be still my heart.
I decided to consult women, who are smarter about such things. My best friend Alexandra said of my butt, "It is small and heart-shaped!" My other best friend Katherine said of my ass, "Oddly enough, I have no memories of your booty."
I know there are good butts out there. I know that Jennifer Lopez and Kim Kardashian both have excellent butts, at least according to popular opinion. But I can't tell you why their butts are so good. I grew up in a culture (1990s white American suburbia) that celebrated big boobs and seemingly ignored butts altogether.
What makes a "good butt" or a "sweet ass" or a "fine fanny (but in the American sense, not the British sense)?" Is it the shape? The way it protrudes from the backside of the human body? I asked Twitter where everyone is a genius, what exactly constitutes a good butt.
@jetscott One that helps people and is considerate.
@jeffmalbright A willing one.
Well, that's enough of that. On to Facebook, where people could be more descriptive.
Jerome: "There is, of course, no objective criteria. It is all subjective and subject to culture, orientation, preference, etc."
Dianae: "A good butt has a roundish shape to it. Perfect for a hand to cup it."
Melissa: "I was told that I had a nice ass because 'when I slap it, it resonates'. Take that as you will."
Courtney: "It's all about the apple bottom! Two big round cheeks."
Paul: "Perky and round, not flat or saggy. The jeans can affect the appearance too."
Toni: "I'm almost certain it has to do with diameter and proportion and alcohol."
Carl: "Curves. The hips have to match."
Cristina: "Personally I want to feel like I can live inside of it…Coco T has a 2 bedroom with a loft and 1.5 baths."
In that case, I think I've got a ground-level efficiency studio apartment with a hot plate instead of a stove.
Now tell me tales of your own butts. Do you get catcalls because of your butt? Do your gentleman/lady friends remark upon it favorably? Do you like your butt? I request this vital information promptly. And if anyone can explain to me what sort of butt-enhancing jeans I'm supposed to be wearing, I welcome the advice.