I am a complete hedonist. I eat cookies and goldfish for dinner, sleep long hours, drink wine with every meal, and pretty much only do what I want when I want. So it makes zero sense that a few weeks ago when a friend told me she was doing the BluePrintCleanse, I went on their site to check it out and then suddenly found I’d hit the “BUY” button.
I mean, sure I was coming off of a week month lifetime of complete indulgence and fine, I felt a little bloated and toxic and, well, yucky (because that’s a word grown-ups use), but I didn’t realize I felt gross enough to actually give up food for three days in an attempt to purify my system. (The only part of me left that even has a shot at being pure. Sigh.) I mean, the longest I’ve gone without alcohol since college was five days. And that was only because I had tonsillitis!
But if I was going to do a cleanse, the BluePrintCleanse definitely made the most sense. First of all, it’s a juice cleanse. I like juice! Second, it’s not one of those cleanses where you have to drink gallons of lemon juice and pepper for 14 days until you start to hallucinate that you feel better. Personally, I need sustenance in order to not turn into a total bitch (as everyone I’ve ever dated will attest to) and with the BPC, you’re getting all of that, but you’re only drinking fresh pressed juice and consuming no solid foods, so it gives your digestive system a break. Or so they say. Let’s see how it goes…
ONE DAY BEFORE THE CLEANSE
A few days before you start your cleanse, you’re supposed to phase out sugar and cheese and meat and EVERYTHING GOOD ABOUT LIFE. I, of course, do not do this until the very last possible minute (sorry -- football season started), but somehow manage to go the entire day only eating fruit and low-sodium vegetable broth in preparation.
While I wait for FedEx to arrive with my three-day supply of juice, I drink some water. That, green tea (yay caffeine!) and herbal tea are the only liquids I’ll be allowed to drink -- other than JUICE -- for the next three days.
When the box arrives (they deliver in New York and L.A., but everyone else has to get it overnighted), I’m pretty excited about how pretty the bottles are. Yes, I get that has nothing to do with how it works, but I’m a sucker for sleek packaging. Each bottle is labeled with a number and you just drink the juices in order, giving yourself at least an hour break between each bottle.
Here’s how it breaks down:
ONE: Green Juice. Specifically: Romaine, celery, cucumber, apple, spinach, kale, parsley, lemon, and ginger. It looks kind of like the slime from “You Can’t Do That on Television,” but actually tastes sort of delicious. And this is coming from the girl who prefers all of her juice mixed with vodka or champagne.
TWO: P.A.M. A pineapple, apple and mint concoction that I would happily drink every day for the rest of my life. So good.
THREE: Another green juice.
FOUR: Lemonade (lemon, water, cayenne and agave) with a kick.
FIVE: Green juice.
SIX: Cashew milk with cinnamon and vanilla. Milk is not a juice, but whatever. This stuff is good. It’s really rich, though, and the 20 fat grams kind of bum me out.
The instructions tell you to wait at least an hour before each juice and not to drink anything two hours before bedtime. Normally I go to bed pretty early, but without wine or anything to help me “unwind,” I’m pretty wired and stay up til almost one a.m.
I have super-vivid dreams all night and wake up at 4 am standing in front of my closet, trying to open the door because I’ve just had a dream that there are tons of people in my living room and I don’t want them to find me naked. This may or may not be a direct result of the juice.
I wake up and I’m, shockingly, not hungry. But when a friend asks me where he should take his ex-girlfriend for her birthday dinner (is that really something people do?), I get distracted and spend an odd amount of time reading fancy restaurant menus. Like, a really odd amount of time. I’m dreaming of foie gras torchon with apple compote on grilled brioche and sweet butter-poached Maine lobster tail. Later that night, I spend 45 minutes looking at pictures of hamburgers on the Internet.
I also have to pee ALL OF THE TIME. Like every 30 minutes. This would normally drive me crazy because I’m basically the laziest person in America, but I have so much energy now that I’m basically bouncing out of my seat and skipping to the loo. Also to my loo. And your loo. ANYONE’S LOO BECAUSE I HAVE SO MUCH ENERGY.
Is this energy a result of being sober for three days? Or is it the juice?
I’m no longer craving hamburgers and, in fact, feel like I could just drink juice forever. I have a ton of energy, feel like my skin is glowing, and have been in a non-stop great mood. WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DID YOU DO WITH DAISY?
Certainly, the fact that I am the most stubborn person EVER has helped me get through this cleanse -- I’m not one to cheat because I have to prove to myself that I can do whatever I set my mind to -- and as I crack the cap on my final cashew milk, I’m actually sad that it’s over.
THE DAY AFTER
I ease back into solid foods with some watermelon and then some cantaloupe. I pass on the diet coke because I feel so awesome and don’t really want to put any weird toxins in my body. I might as well put on a flowy dress and stick some flowers in my hair because I’m like one Grateful Dead song away from being one of those annoying San Franciscans who only eats tofu.
But then I go to a wedding and have a glass of wine and then another and then another and then skip dinner and only eat cupcakes and then VODKA. AND JUST LIKE THAT: I’M BACK.
ONE WEEK LATER
Well I really blew it by immediately re-importing all of the toxins I’d worked so hard to dispel (and ohmygod, WHAT a hangover), but the three-day cleanse was definitely worth it. It’s definitely not cheap ($195 for three days), but realistically that’s not SO much more than I’d spend on lunches and dinners and wine; plus, it’s so much better for me.
Mostly though, I’m just really bad at taking me-time and the BluePrintCleanse forced me to take a break from the non-stop socializing and rich food and constant cocktails. It gave me a chance to think about why I usually feel bloated and sluggish, and even though I still order foie gras when I see it on the menu (What? It’s DELICIOUS), at least I do so with an awareness of how it’s going to affect me.
Old habits die hard, but I’d happily make the BPC a new habit to try to balance it all out.
(Also, I am not trying to copycat Cat's posts this week, even though I realize that she totally wrote about having a nervous breakdown and then I totally wrote about having having a nervous breakdown and then SHE wrote about drinking fancy juice and now I'm writing about drinking fancy juice. This was not planned and frankly, I'm a little worried that I'm following so closely in her footsteps (no offense Cat! You're the best! I just like my job and don't want to lose it!). I promise though that I don't have any drugs hidden in my freezer. Just Thin Mint Girl Scout Cookies, which are kind of like drugs, only better.)