I really enjoy antique stores. No, not for the musty smell, but for the surplus of weird, weird crap available for purchase. One such silly item came to me this past weekend when I purchased a couple issues of 'TEEN magazine from the 1960s. Initially I picked them for their fun covers and enticing headlines, but the content within really sealed the deal. I mean, what's not to love about a sexist, body-shaming rag full of celebrity gossip and fun fashions?
I decided to dig through the vast offerings of "groovy" brilliance and bring you my favourite bits. Herewith, my chosen bits from the August 1968 issue.
1. This ad that suggests making sandwiches for boys to win their hearts.
"Don't forget, catching his eye is one thing; keeping it's another. Be a little sneaky. Remember, boys love to eat."
2. This extremely chipper advertorial for Parker Brothers' Ouija board.
"It sorta keeps you in touch with the outer world -- all you do is touch it and a mysterious message is spelled out. GO ON -- TRY IT! Ouija can also keep you in touch with the spiritful world of fab fashion!" Well, that confirms it: If you need fashion advice, ask the dead.
3. "Are Boys Pretty?" Inquiring minds NEED to know.
On Warren Beatty: "[He] is pretty, beautiful, divine and magnificent, and that's all there is to it."
On Terence Stamp (hubba hubba): "He's the English truck driver that every girl would like to have a crash with. Whether his hair is blond or brunette, his eyes are always blue, and either way he socks-it-to-you."
On Paul Newman: "Men like him because he is strong and doesn't look like a pansy. Women like him for the same reason."
This is the kind of hard-hitting journalism I can get behind. After reading this, I think I can conclude that boys are, in fact, pretty.
4. This incredibly succinct piece of advice.
5. Writer Rita Klein's thoughts on marijuana.
- "When it comes right down to it, I don't really care whether 'Puff The Magic Dragon' is about marijuana or not. I enjoy the song for its lyrics on the level that I choose to interpret them and also for its melody and style. Period."
- "Doctors and scientists don't even know enough about it yet to criticize it. But one thing doctors do know about it. One important thing. Marijuana is unpredictable. Its effects, either good or bad, depend on the user's state of mind and physical condition at the time, as well as the type of marijuana used and its potency. One time Johnny Doe may smoke a 'joint' and find himself elated, content and happier than he has ever been. The second time, though, he may dive down into the depths of depression that may take him hours to shake. One time he'll silently groove on music. Another time he'll climb into his car and perhaps drive though a crowd of pedestrians."
- "You'll find advocates of marijuana at the P.T.A., in Haight-Ashbury and on Wall Street. The epidemic has all the earmarks of a fad. Know why? Because that's exactly what it is."
And some other fun stats for you on this issue's 114 pages ...
Number of Tampon/Pad/Feminine Hygiene/PMS Ads: 8
Number of Weight Maintenance/"Nutrition" Ads: 3
This included an ad for a weight loss program and another one for a product that would help you gain weight, because being skinny was not very hip, apparently.
Number of Acne Ads: 4
They were all about making teenage girls feel terrible about their zits.
Well, I hope you've taken away something worthwhile from reading this. Maybe it inspired you to make a sandwich for the object of your affection. Maybe it inspired you to make a sandwich for me. If you want to, go for it. (I'm not into Wonderbread, though.)