Out of all the secrets I've told here, intimate details of my drug and alcohol problems, bedwetting, compulsive promiscuity, and various close-ups of my fats, I feel most ashamed of what I'm about to tell you.
See, I eat a shocking amount of popsicles. Specifically the sugar-free orange-cherry-grape combo, which I consume by the boxful. I'm scared to add up exactly how much I spend on these things each month, but I'm going to guess it's around 200 dollars. I routinely buy my local grocery store out of them, and have to visit grocery stores in other neighborhoods, lugging my melting bounty back on the train or bus.
I don't feel like I'm exaggerating when I say that I need this many popsicles, that to live without them would result in some sort of volcanic freakout that would shatter my family. If I don't know I have a solid supply of them in my freezer at any given moment, I feel slightly untethered and panicky, how I imagine a baby must feel without its pacifier. But what if there is an emotional emergency? How am I to weather it without a cool, refreshing treat?
Yesterday, as I was filling my cart with box upon box of sugar-free popsicles, a portly 10-year-0ld looked on with awe, before finally working up the courage to ask, breathless, "How many sons do you have?"
I get similar reactions from checkout clerks. The ones at the close grocery store have grown accustomed to my excess, but sometimes others will react with disbelief all, "Wooohoo, that's a lot of popsicles!" or "Are you having a party?"
Yes, I'm having a popsicle party for me and 9 of my closest friends. I'm pretty sure the only place such a party exists is in pornography, and we'd all be wearing white cotton panties and those frilly socks that are apparently all that's required to convince men that 30-year-old women are "barely legal."
Still, it's easier than explaining that actually I have a very addictive personality and no longer snort cocaine or drink myself into blackouts so now I eat popsicles and I know they're not meant to be consumed in these quantities and it's sort of weird, but cut me some slack I'm doing my best, alright?
Sugarless and low in calories, popsicles seem like a relatively harmless substance to consume compulsively, but until now the time and money required to support my box-a-day habit has been a family secret between me, my boo and the cat. Now that I'm shining a light on it on the Internet, I'm terrified you're going to ostracize me, or worse, tell me I have to go cold turkey on my frosty mommy's little helpers.
Is anybody else completely reliant on a food stuff to function in life?