Would I have to start planning outfits around the tattoo like I plan for weather?
According to a recent survey, 6:55 in the post-meridian is the moment when our stalwart, puritan ideals falter and we partake of our first glass of vino for the week. What is not mentioned in this survey, is that each participant was furtively chewing their lips so as best to disguise their lying and semi-permanently wine-stained mouths.
Perhaps I am being overly harsh. Maybe the majority of folks who enjoy wine are waiting until Wednesday (with an apology to Lisa Loeb) to uncork their first bottle of happy. In my home, this celebratory decanting takes place on Monday while the soothing strains of R. Kelly’s ‘Bump and Grind’ provides a fitting soundtrack. Arguably less fitting, however, is my chosen costume of either “mysteriously stained men’s tee-shirt” or “full fleece onesie”.
In a lot of ways, the survey’s findings make sense. Wednesday is, after all, the worst. Geico-commercial-featuring-camel aside, “hump day” is a terrible thing to call anything. Even a day solely reserved for humping. Any day so selected should clearly be called “What Fresh Hell Is This And Also Get Off Me”.
Wednesday is also difficult to spell (unless you are me, and learned in second grade to remember it by saying ‘Wet Elephants Never Eat Salad Dressing And Yogurt’). If we’re going to insist on calling Wednesday anything pet-name at all, I suggest, “Thursday Putting On Airs”. It’s fitting.
Let’s say it’s true, and that the rest of the drinking-world restrains themselves until the middle of the week comes to a close. No one could possibly fault you, survey participants. After all, you’ve managed to slog your way through the majority of the working hours, and with the weekend in sight, you dull your senses along with your inhibitions and get your wine on. This is because wine is excellent. Wine is so excellent, in fact, that I harbor a suspicion that this survey is tainted by those among their ranks too sensible to be all, “Look, I quaff myself a kind nepenthe daily - judge away.” *
But if there is a near-universally perceived “right time” to get your bev-on, are there right times of day for us to be indulging in our other vices? If the list I’ve put together below is any indication, then yes.
1. 2:34 AM, Mondays
Vice -- ADVIL PM: Sure, you could pop your PMs any time of day or night, and ON any day or night. But the most popular time to take them according to science**, is in the yawning terror that overtakes us the morning we realize the weekend is over and all that awaits us is another day of just paying our bills and feigning happiness. Pill up, y’all!
2. All Of The Times, Daily
Vice -- Coffee: You’re so not a morning person, it boosts your metabolism, it’s good for cellulite, if you don’t drink it, you’ll get a headache, how are you going to poop, dudettes! Don’t come at me with talk of “ulcers” and “addiction” - not drinking coffee is the real illness. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go see a man about a massive dump.
3. 12:19PM, Thursdays
Vice -- PIZZA: It’s tempting to make the rookie error of assuming that the best time to eat Pizza is on a friday evening to celebrate the work-week’s close. This could not be more incorrect. In order to receive ‘za of a near-artisanal quality, do it for lunch on Thursday. Less folks will be ordering, and so your pizza will be infused with extra awesome. Also cheese.
4. 4:30AM, Tuesdays
Vice -- Seal Bludgeoning: Because the week is still very much underway, and because most of your friends will still be asleep, this is an ideal time to make for Canada, enlist some saucy, animal-loathing furriers, and get your seal-smack on! This is because it probably won’t be until Wednesday around snack time that your friends and co-workers will starting going, “Where’s Charlene? I need these mimeographs tickled.” The joke is on them, and the blood is on you. And your hands, probably.
5. Never O’Clock, No-Days
Vice -- Crack:Crack is wack, you guys.
When are you most likely to uncork a bottle? If you are not a drinker (lately that is me as well, truth be told) when during the week are you most likely to indulge in your vices? TO THE COMMENTS, HOOKERS!
*Let us pause here to point out that I spelled NEPENTHE RIGHT WITH NARY GOOGLE-ING.