I finally went to see a new psychiatrist! Sure it was after just a year of not being heard at my old one about my crippling anxiety, but we have a saying at the place I go for the drinking: Progress, not perfection.
You know what she did? She raised the dose of the anti-anxiety drug that I'm already taking a measly 5 mg. You know what it changed? Everything.
I no longer have panic attacks on the subway. The trip to daycare in the morning has gone from leaving me a frazzled mom cliche who somehow seems to be perpetually juggling 15 bags while trying not to cry, to a totally chill, fun mom who is down to stop and look at a cool rock on the way. My boyfriend mentioned recently that he hasn't seen me cry in like two weeks. I'm a little sick that I waited so long to take some agency and get a second opinion.
Anyway, I feel much better and as such have stopped treating my anxiety and fear with a nightly pint of ice cream. That was fine when I needed to do that -- for about a month, that pint of ice cream each night was keeping me sane. At the end of it, I went to the gym and found out I've gained 6 pounds, which seems exceedingly fair to me for having gotten to eat an entire pint of ice cream a night for a month. Yes, universe, I will accept this.
See, usually, I don't keep ice cream in my house for the simple reason that it is one of those foods I am simply incapable of eating in moderation. It doesn't mattter how much or what size of ice cream I buy -- if it's a 2-for-1 Edy's gallon deal, both those gallons are gone within a day or two.
Now don't look at me to tell your ass how to eat ice cream -- shit is delicious and you can have it for every meal if you want. I own several items of jewelry and household goods bearing the Kate Spade slogan "Eat Cake for Breakfast," after all. But eating a gallon of ice cream in a day (and often skipping other food in favor of said ice cream) doesn't make me personally feel good.
And since I can't moderate, I abstain. I still order ice cream for dessert if I'm out to dinner, or at the park with my son, and every once in awhile I might bring a smaller portion home as a special treat, but I mostly just don't keep ice cream in the house.
Same with donuts, which are probably my favorite food. If I've got 8 donuts kicking it fridgeside, odds are good I'm going to eat them all before the day is through.
It's not really a weight thing, it's a"This doesn't make my body feel good" thing. And also just sort of a "This is ridiculous" thing.
So the VERY important weekend question is this: If you give a fuck about portion control or whatever, what food can't you be trusted to keep in the house? And do you buy it anyway and then just eat it all or what? Or if you are one of those people who just knows how to moderate when it comes to everything in your life, can you try to explain how that feels to me? I cannot relate at all.