I Got Married to Myself!

Why be heteronormative when you can be bizarrofunative?

Apr 18, 2012 at 5:00pm | Leave a comment

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I felt like the Mad Hatter.

Last week, I wrote about my plans to marry myself in a ceremony run by self-described "writer/interdisciplinary performance artist/filmmaker/candy coated subversive" L. Gabrielle Penabaz. And guess what? I did it! And I've got the photos to prove it.

I awoke on my wedding day concerned that I hadn't spent enough time thinking about my vows. After all, the whole point of this ceremony was to commit an act of public self-love, albeit of the type that wouldn't result in my arrest. This could end up being a really meaningful moment in my life, a turning point in how I behaved in relationship to myself and to other people. Then I figured that when the moment was right, the correct words would come to me. At this point, I did what I believe every prospective bride ought to do on her wedding day: I went out for sushi with a girlfriend.

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I don't know if the "I Have a Dream" roll is racist or just ridiculous.

I had the Flirty Lobster roll, obviously.

Then my friend Lane presented me with a combination "something new/something blue:" this extremely attractive temporary tattoo. I placed it upon my bosom and she and I commenced consuming weirdly named sushi rolls and speaking of many deep and wise and also silly things, the way girlfriends do. It was decided that she would be my best man, because why be heteronormative when you can be bizarrofunative?

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Goes well with my skin cancer scar, don't you think?

Then it was on to Chashama, this cool project that creates art spaces in a rotating array of empty storefronts and buildings all around New York City. The actual marriage ceremony would take place inside a storefront on West 37th Street, but the pregaming (wine, signing of vows, hanging with friends) would happen in a rented trailer parked outside the event space. What a wonderful surprise to peek in and see Madeline and her gentleman consort along with my friend Tony!

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My bridal party

Enjoying boxed wine and companionship, I was delighted to discover that in addition to my wedding ceremony, I could get a "Zippy Exorcism or 'Divorce' from old selves" (I decided I'd use the opportunity to release old unhealthy relationships.) I read the list of optional wedding vows and found a few that I really liked. I also added one of my own: "I promise to always love you and take care of you no matter fucking what."

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Look at all these fun options for vows!

Once the vows were in order (and we signed our photo releases -- Gabrielle is putting together a book about these ceremonies!) we proceeded into the actual storefront, where we met Gabrielle and her assistants and set to work selecting our garb from the available costumes.

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Here is Madeline being adorable in bunny ears.

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Here is Lane attempting to make a crazy hat work, and not enjoying the process.

After the important sartorial questions were settled, it was time to enter the probably-on-purpose vaginal-looking ceremonial closet.

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I enter the sacred vag.

Inside the magical chamber, there was a bunch of tinsel and a mirror. Gabrielle had me face the mirror, and then the wall, and then her. We did a ritual where I breathed out the energy of my old unhealthy relationships (you guys, I know this is so woo woo but it was seriously fun) and she banished it all! Then she had me face the mirror, and she whispered my vows into my ear for me to recite aloud. I actually got emotional at one point, which was embarrassing, but I can't be a goddamned ironic hipster all of the time. Sometimes feelings emerge.

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Me and the Encouraging Priestess, Gabrielle.

And finally, I was married to myself! Hooray! We celebrated with sparking cider and a delicious brownie, all provided by the kindly Gabrielle.

It's been a few days since I married myself, and I have to say that I do feel a bit different. Maybe I'm a little more confident, or a little less likely to take shit from other people. Or maybe I'm just deluded into thinking I'm different. But I can say for sure that the ceremony felt good and fun and right, and whether you're married or single, I highly suggest you put together a ceremony and get hitched to your fineass self.

If nothing else, it's a great excuse to wear a crazy hat.