I Continue Be Super Gross and Put Weird Things In My Body: Cocktail Edition

For those of you following along at home, it should be pretty apparent by now that I will eat/drink anything for attention and/or love.

Mar 15, 2013 at 2:00pm | Leave a comment

For those of you following along at home, it should be pretty apparent by now that I will eat/drink anything for attention and/or love.
 
My first post was about pickle and peanut butter sandwiches, so it was pretty obvious from the get-go that I am a Serious Journalist, but is my shtick getting tiresome? Let’s be clear: I will continue to eat and drink silly things as long as people give me attention for eating and drink silly things, and so far, people seem pretty enthusiastic about me putting weird things in my body. 
 
I am happy to oblige. I don’t just do it for the attention; I do it because I can infuse rye whiskey with bacon and be all “It’s for a story guys!” Weird food and drink has become kind of a “thing” for me now, and I feel obligated to eat foie gras stuffed donuts, even though this is something I would probably do no matter what.
 
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It’s just bacon grease in whiskey.

 
So here is my alcoholic equivalent of the ridiculous sandwich post. It had to be broken up into two days because I have to work in the morning. I hope you enjoy it.
 
Pickleback: A shot of whiskey followed by a shot of pickle juice.
 
I chose this to get the party started. Based on earlier pickle juice related drinks, I thought this would be one of the easiest to stomach. I think these are traditionally done with bourbon, but I had a bottle of rye whiskey, so I went with that. It was not displeasing. The pickle juice quickly obliterates any burn from the whiskey, and if you do it fast enough, you barely taste the whiskey, which is good or bad…depending on whom you are. If you are me, it could go either way.
 
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 Drinking out of test tubes…

 
Verdict: Whiskey=Good, Pickle Juice= Good, Pickleback=Good2
 
Kalimotxo: Equal parts red wine and Coca-Cola, over lots of ice. Spanish teenagers drink this. 
 
I was neither over nor underwhelmed by this. I was perfectly whelmed. No wonder Spanish teenagers drink this. It is incredibly drinkable. Which is awesome/awful, because I am going to drink this whole glass and be tipsy before I get to the third beverage.  As I drink this, I am beginning to believe that is super delightful. It’s not too sweet, just a little effervescent. Lovely.
 
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Goes to my hey-yey-yed.

 
Verdict: My third favorite thing out of Spain, after Javier Bardem and Serrano Ham.
 
Oof. This next one…
 
Royal Clover Club Cocktail
 
Raw egg times, guys.
 
This is a retro cocktail from the 1940s. 
 
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Like Mad Men

 
I thought this one deserved a video, so here you go.
 
 
I think whisking the egg with the gin before adding the lemon juice would keep it from coagulating.
 
Verdict: Salmonella be damned, this is fantastic. 
 
This concludes day one.
 
DAY TWO:
 
And, we’re back. There won’t be any selfies from day two, as I am already in PJ’s and not wearing any make up. I currently have some candied bacon getting all sexy in the oven. I’m really excited about it. While that’s happening, we shall continue down our list. This next one is one of the scary ones.
 
Corona and Clamato
 
Guys, I’m fucking terrified of dehydrated clams in my tomato juice. I love a Bloody Mary as much as the next 20-something who brunches…but CLAMATO. The beer snob in me (I mean, all of me?) is really upset about the Corona thing, but I could not find Tecate.
 
My friend who suggested this mixture said it cure hangovers, but what if it actively makes me vomit? What then? 
I didn’t know what do with this one re: proportions, so I Googled the cloud. According to Yahoo Answers, the leading authority on “Is this an STD?", it’s 25% Clamato, 75% beer, and the juice of half a lime. I also added a little Chalula and Worcestershire sauce. 
 
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In what scientists are calling “completely fucking absurd” this is delicious. I am learning so many things about myself doing this. Clamato, guys. Who the eff knew? I really believe this would cure hangovers. It’s like a lighter, bubbly Bloody Mary. WHO DOESN’T WANT THAT? I am drinking the whole thing.
 
Verdict: Jam out with your clam(ato) out.
 
Pizzatini
 
So, this next one is actually a cruel trick. When I asked my Facebook friends to give me cocktail recipes, Danielle was all: “Pizzatini!”
 
And I was all: “That’s probably a real thing.”
 
False. This is something that Danielle made up to see if I would put it in my body. But, I said I would do it, and I bought the ingredients, so.
 
The “recipe:”
- 1 oz vodka (I used gin, I don’t have vodka)
- Fresh basil
- 1 Tbsp. Tomato Sauce
 
Rim glass with parmesan, muddle fresh basil, shake everything together over ice, strain into glass.
 
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A glass of lies.

 
This was not the worst thing I’ve ever put in my mouth. It wasn’t the best, or the 50th best, but it didn’t make me gag or anything. It might even be okay if I used tomato juice instead of sauce. The sauce gives the whole thing a very strange viscosity. 
 
Verdict: I don’t fully trust Danielle anymore. She’s very pretty, though.
 
Orange Soda and Hot Damn
 
Twitter user @goingloopy suggested this one! “Sounds revolting, tastes delicious,” she said.
 
I couldn’t find Hot Damn, because I’m in Florida, I guess? I used Fireball. 
 
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So orange.

 
This was exactly as Ms. Loopy described it. Revolting to the ears; pleasing to the tongue…like making out with a toothless person. Ignore that analogy. I have been drinking!
 
Verdict: Here we go loop-di-loop!
 
 
All of my favorite things! Click above to find out how I infused whiskey with bacon grease! 
 
Update on the candied bacon: I burnt most of it because I was distracted by drinking alcohol. It’s fine, some of it is usable.
 
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Uhhhhh…this is awkward. I am underwhelmed by this. I saved this one to the end because I thought it would be amazing, but the infusion didn’t seem to take. Whiskey still tastes like whiskey. This may be for the best. I was also really excited about the Rogue Voodoo Maple Bacon Ale and that just tasted like cloying smoke. Maybe we should stop trying to put bacon in everything. It never works as well as Just Bacon. 
 
This isn’t a tragedy. I love whiskey, so I’m going to drink this. Nobody worry.
 
Verdict: LEAVE BACON ALONE.
 
There’s one more. And it’s really important that you know that neither Jane Pratt nor Shmatt put me up to this. My husband did. He said “It’s for journalism, sweetie.” What a piece of jerk-toast.
 
First: Are you guys familiar with The Mighty Boosh, specifically Old Gregg? If not, please watch this.
 
Now that we’re all on the same page: I drank Bailey’s from a shoe.
 
I guess I lied about the selfies.
 
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I’m just so gross.

 
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There it goes.

 
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Uggghhhh…

 
I’ve got all things that are good. 
 
AND NOW I’M DRUNK.
 
You can read Claire’s drunk tweets. @clairelizzie