I know, tea is the totally unimaginative gift you get an older-lady coworker you don't know very well, when your main concern in gift-selection is not that your giftee will love her gift, but that you can avoid offending her with whatever you buy. If you're gonna take this route, I recommend Harney & Sons Tea, so at least the tea you're gifting is of impeccable quality.

You can buy me anything from here. Anything in the store. I will drink it. NO SACHETS. Loose tea only. The Morrocan Mint is particularly good. But really, anything.

Fat Ladies In SPAAAAACE! Coloring Book. Like coloring wasn’t awesome enough an activity, now you can combine it with two of my favorite subjects: fat ladies and “SPAAAAACE!” Behold the brilliance of artist Nicole Lorenz.

In an ideal scenario, I would be able to turn all the walls in my condo into floor-to-ceiling speakers by will alone, and would have delicious music surrounding me at all times. I'd also have a lot of angry neighbors.

In the absence of that, I have to be satisfied with the prospect of listening to Internet radio using my home stereo, over wifi. That's where the Logitech Squeezebox Touch comes in. This little contraption lets you stream music to any sound system in your home, and if the reviews on Amazon are anything to go by, it is the gadget of choice for audiophiles. 

Also, it has a touch screen, because everything has a touch screen now, because this is The Future.

Harajuku Super Loose Socks! I know, socks are usually the sad trombone of gifts. But not if you’re me, and you have two giant drawers filled with them. Okay, it’s three. I don’t know why two sounds less disturbing than three, but it does. My current goal is to collect these particular socks in every color. They have a bit o' wool to their fiber blend, with makes them warm without being suffocating, and they fit my big ol’ calves like a charm.

AND WHAT. You guys knew there'd be at least one video game on here. "Mass Effect 3" will complete the universally beloved, heartwarming series about a little boy and his dog, and the crotchety old lady in the tumbledown house down the block, whom they teach how to love again.

JUST KIDDING. Mass Effect 3 will be about the destruction of Earth by terrifying synthetic alien life forms that look suspiciously like cuttlefish, if cuttlefish were the size of downtown Manhattan. Worry not, humanity, because I, in my alter-ego as Commander Shepard (WHO IS A LADY AND WHO WILL ALWAYS BE A LADY) will save you all.

"Mass Effect 3" doesn't actually come out until March 6 of next year, but for dorks like me, a collector's edition preorder is the most wonderfullest gift of all.

I can assure you I am not mentioning The Feminist Press holiday gift sets just because they are publishing my book, "Two Whole Cakes," in April of next year. No, I am doing it because Feminist Press puts out some really outstanding books. I don't mean mine! Mine's not out yet! I will leave it to you whether it is outstanding! I'm not trying to pressure anyone.

The Contemporary Manifesto set above, which includes Virginie Despentes "King Kong Theory" and Jana Leo's "Rape New York," is the perfect gift for the deep-thinking feminist in your life. I also recommend the  Queer Stories set, which includes Laurie Weeks' debut novel "Zipperhead" and Justin Vivian Bond's memoir "Tango."

AlsobuymybookwhenitcomesoutinAprilpleaseandthankyou.

You ever wake up on a cold winter's morn in the forsaken Northeastern United States in early January and think, "Wow, the only way I can possibly face another grey miserable day is if I can do so while wearing outerwear that makes me look like a giant plaid Halloween egg."

Have I got the gift for YOU: the ASOS Curve Ovoid Coat in black and orange check is here to satisfy all your Halloween-egg desires. Sure, it's not all that warm for a New England winter, but with that kind of style I'm willing to layer.

My friend Julia recently pointed this item out to me, and I might have lost my mind a little bit. I'm generally not one for quirky jewelry but I'm willing to make an exception for this MST3k-themed silver locket, which reproduces the shadows of Mike and the Bots engaged in their usual mockery on Mystery Science Theater 3000.

The truly great part is that it's a locket, which means you can change the scene within! Does your cat need to be taken down a peg? Here's your solution. Look, Fluffy, they're mocking you on a long-cancelled cult TV show! Maybe now you'll think more thoroughly about where you choose to deposit your hairballs in future.

Spotty docs! I had originally wanted the amazing leopard print version of these fuzzy hair-on leather Dr. Martens boots, but of course they sold out almost immediately. That's just FINE because I like these now. The print is unique, and neutrals will go with anything. Just like the leopard print would have.

What? No, I'm not crying. I just... liked the leopard print. These are cute too, though!

What, you didn't think you were getting out of here with only one videogame reference did you? Oho. Silly Rabbit.

Anyone can hug a companion cube. There’s no challenge in that. I’d rather hug something that wants to kill me. (For science.) Thinkgeek's Plush Turret is an officially licensed Portal 2 collectible, and it talks, so you can rely on it to alert you to your imminent demise. 

(Also if you were thinking of getting me the Aperture Science shower curtain, don’t bother, I just ordered it.)