Florida Is Preparing For A Zombie Apocalypse But I Would Still Be The First To Die

As it turns out, this amendment is less about actual zombies and more about people wandering around with concealed firearms during hurricanes.

May 9, 2014 at 5:00pm | Leave a comment

It could be argued that today’s population doesn’t exactly know what a “disaster” is. In a world where people call 911 because they can’t tune into Breaking Bad, I would say that most people don’t really get the concept.
 
But we can all agree that a zombie apocalypse would be a literal disaster. Not a “my Starbucks is out of soy milk” disaster. Not an “I dropped my iPhone in the toilet” disaster. But a real-life “we’re probably all done for” disaster.
 
Which I guess is why Florida, the home of disasters such as "the earth eating people," is preparing for one.
 
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Me (half a decade ago) doing my best zombie impression.

 
When I first heard that my current home state had an amendment working through the senate that proposed to change the name of Senate Bill 296 to “An act reacting to the zombie apocalypse,” my response was “Oh Florida, what are you on about this time?”
 
But then I pondered it a little more and remembered that guy who ATE SOMEONE’S FACE and wasn’t even on drugs. All of the sudden, zombie preparedness didn't seem so ridiculous.
 
As it turns out, this amendment is less about actual zombies and more about people wandering around with concealed firearms during hurricanes. As Senate Bill 296 is currently worded it would  provide “… an exemption from criminal penalties for carrying a concealed weapon or a concealed firearm while in the act of complying with a mandatory evacuation order during a declared state of emergency," etc.
 
Basically once a state of emergency is declared, the panicky population of Florida can go from gun owners to concealed carry permit holders. People who may have been mere “gun collectors” before the state of emergency are now able to legally carry around a concealed firearm with no background check or training.
 
No thank you.
 
This is why Democrat senator Dwight Bullard has proposed the amendment that specifies “in title, [deleting] lines 2 – 3” — lines which currently read “An act relating to carrying a concealed weapon or a concealed firearm” — and [inserting]: “An act reacting to the zombie apocalypse.”
 
"For me, as laughable as the amendment might seem, it's equally laughable that people who haven't gone through the proper training, the background check, the license to carry -- we're saying because of a hurricane or flooding or sinkhole, these individuals have gone from gun owners to concealed carry permit holders," Bullard told The Huffington Post. "I'd argue a crisis is probably the last instance in which you want someone who is not a concealed permit holder to carry a weapon."
 
I’d agree with that argument.
 
But if we are ever truly attacked by the undead, I can agree that all bets are off. Though I’m not sure you can kill a zombie with a gun (the rules keep changing; sunlight used to kill vampires but now it makes them sparkle?) I would reckon it could at least dismember them a bit, and shooting off a leg should slow them down.
 
While we’re on the subject, I feel like I can take this opportunity to confess that zombies are pretty much my number one paranormal fear. Though I don’t do great with horror in general (I can't even read Creepy Corner half the time), zombies are the scariest for me because they defy logic in terms of speed and movement. No matter how slow they’re shuffling along, they will always catch up with you! All zombie-related entertainment reminds me of those terrible nightmares where you’re attempting to outrun something but your legs refuse to work.
 
Shudder.
 
Though there will probably never be such an apocalypse, it’s not the worst idea to have a plan. If you’re prepared for the undead, you’re pretty much prepared for anything. Though I’m resigned to the fact that I would be the first to die in the event of a zombie uprising, I’d still go through the motions of trying to survive. Allow me to share my walking dead contingency plan!
 
I wouldn't follow it though; I’m terrible at this kind of thing. I always died super quickly in those “choose your own adventure” Goosebumps books.
 
“Claire’s I’m Probably Going to Die but I Might As Well Try to Survive This Thing” Zombie Apocalypse Plan:
 
1. Boring stuff first: I would make sure I had a kit with water, firstaid supplies, bleach, etc. (Check out the CDC’s Zombie Blog for a complete list of necessary items!)
 
2. Make an apocalypse snack kit for each member of the family. I would include themed items such as deviled eggs and severed fingers!
 
3. Follow Alle’s tutorial to give myself that undead look. Hopefully this will allow me to trick the zombies, à la Bill Murray in Zombieland.
 
4. Strap Angie in a Baby Bjorn.
 
5. Send a group text to my family and friends that reads something like this:
 
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6. If a zombie-free zone is identified, pile the pets into the Subaru Outback and head for the hills!
 
7. Be glad we bought a Subaru Outback because otherwise our mode of transport would be a 2005 Hyundai Accent, and I’m pretty sure an unusually fast dog could outrun that thing.
 
8. En route to what is hopefully a safe location, I would try to lighten the mood with this Zombie Apocalypse Spotify list.
 
That’s all I got, because realistically, I have no skills that would be of any help in a zombie outbreak. Maybe I could use my chemistry degree to help with a zombie antidote or something, but I never took biochem so probably not.
 
What would you do if zombies attacked? What do you think about that amendment? HOW DOES ONE KILL A ZOMBIE?