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You’re all, “So you’re telling me that there exists an entire pint of ice cream that’s only 150 calories?” And while what a healthy person should have extrapolated from this data is that that's 38 calories per serving, we're all obviously thinking oh-my-god-I’m-going-to-eat-the-entire-pint, right?
That's like the amount of calories in oxygen.
I thought I'd break the story, but no! Apparently bloggers and morning show-type experts in dieting and health and child-rearing beat me to it. Except all those Internet writers want you to think they're making ice cream sandwiches and kid-friendly after-school snacks and not curled up in front of their Mac Book masturbating to a documentary of Rasputin while polishing off an entire container.
I especially like how the website features their nutritional quality results
, a super scientific (aka boring-looking) Arial font document recording EMSL Analytical Inc.’s findings on the nutritional data of several flavors, as reported by somebody named M. Burns. It basically lists the percentages of protein, dietary fiber, fat, moisture, protein, ash, yes, ash, and sugars in Arctic Zero. Why? I’m not sure. I can’t find anything similar on Haagen Daaz’s website, leading me to believe that they have something to hide.
This is me in the midst of science. Haagen Daaz on the left, Arctic Zero on the right. Couldn't care about the difference. (Those curls are from this. I WAS WORKING.)
Here’s the chocolate ingredient list for the chocolate flavor:
PURIFIED WATER, WHEY PROTEIN CONCENTRATE (MILK), ORGANIC CANE SUGAR, CHICORY ROOT, SUGARCANE FIBER, DUTCH PROCESSED COCOA POWDER WITH ALKALI, GUAR GUM, XANTHAN GUM, NATURAL FLAVORS, SEA SALT, MONK FRUIT CONCENTRATE.
A bit more clicking around the site and my suspicions are confirmed: This stuff is, in fact, low-cal frozen yogurt just in a cardboard pint. (That you’ve seen, right? The serve-yourself froyo joints? They’re like tacky old Italian restaurants except replace the group of greasy mobsters gathered in the back corner with neon-clad, vanilla-scented sorority girls planning their next fundraiser. “OMG DUH! Let’s make it FROYO THEMED.”)
The secret, as it goes with anything deemed miraculous, lies in a mysterious and rare fruit. The monk fruit. YES IT WAS NAMED AFTER MONKS -- Buddhist monks who practiced in the beautiful, temple-sprinkled city of Guilin during the Tang dynasty. Three hundred times sweeter than sugar, it grows on the shaded slopes of the Guangxi and Guangdong mountains and was so rare that no records of it even exist in traditional Chinese medicine.
We English-speakers didn’t write about it until 1938, finding that it was a great remedy for inflammation when eaten with pork. (So I guess add bacon bits to the vanilla maple flavor if you’re feeling gross.)
Apparently monk fruit is super-smelly and spoils quickly, but Proctor & Gamble figured out a way to cultivate and process the fruit so that it would be useful to us American idiots. And then in 2009, Arctic Zero brought it to the masses in the form of icy air cream.
The first flavor I sampled was the vanilla maple. I thought that maple was a strange flavor for ice cream, but whatever. Then I found that the cookies and cream flavor (not chunks, just a grey paste -- get over it, I did) also had a bit of a maple-y or caramelized brown sugary flavor. Apparently that’s what you can expect from monk fruit, so that will take some getting used to.
In fact, you’ll probably tell yourself and whoever’s around you so that they don’t think you’re disgusting that, “Oh, it’s fahr too sweet, I can’t eat more than a few bites!” But who are you kidding? You’re going to ruin the fantasy of getting to eat an ENTIRE pint of ice cream in one sitting because it’s too sweet?
Not only can you live out the ultimate 21 Century woman’s fantasy with this shit, but you can make smoothies too! You can put it in your Nutribullet (bought one last night -- coincidence!) and make FREAKING SOFT SERVE after you’re done with your smoothie! You can literally eat Arctic Zero for every meal and don’t forget about it curing inflammation.
THEY EVEN SHIP! Ahh, it’s all too much! They will dry ice that shit and send you six pints for $45.98, which is LESS than I paid at the rich people grocery store.
What’s your version of a four-leaf clover? My other ones are the crop tops at Patricia Field and the wide-lace thongs at Forever21.