I have always loved naming shit. I particularly love naming shit after other shit. I named my first iPhone Russell Crowe because it irritated and enthralled me. I named my first really good knife Julia Child, because obviously.
I named my first dog growing up Hillary, in honor of the first lady at the time. I would have named my first born after her as well, but I was not reproductively active, so the dog had to suffice. I was perpetually furious when my parents would let me help name my siblings.
So much so, in fact, that for a period of time I called my brother Sam only George. I also convinced him that he had a zipper in his back that if pulled would reveal him to be a squirrel, though this is ultimately irrelevant.
When my parents finally let us adopt a dog, I was nine and there were no more new Stokes babies for me to christen. This was a tragedy, as I had recently become obsessed with the names Noelle, Anastasia, and, from the Latin, Torquatus. FEAR ME FUTURE OFFSPRING.
When my initial suggestions for naming the dog (Bread, Walnuts, Crusty Buckets) were all refused, I got mad political with it. “Let’s call her Hillary!” At the time, Bill was in the office, and I was besotted with Hillary who I had already determined was the brains of the operation.
My mother agreed. My dad, not a fan of Hills, may have uttered something along the lines of this being an appropriate choice, as the dog we adopted was, in fact, a bitch. Much shade was cast in his general direction by the lady members of the household at this, and so was my childhood dog, Hillary D. Stokes (the "D" stood for dog) named.
Clearly, I have a soft spot. So imagine the pangs of my heart when I learned that folks just ain’t naming their babies after H Dawg (not to be confused with H Dog) anymore! It’s disheartening that we’ve got all these awesome ladies with their awesome lady names and no one is showing the respect by naming their offspring after them!
Here are 5 Ladies who deserve to have babies -- actual human babies -- named after them.
1.) Margaret Thatcher.
Look, whatever your politics, you gotta give the Iron Butterfly her due. This broad strong armed a nation whilst wearing pearls. Plus, when your child throws a tantrum you can call them “Thatch Attacks”
2.) Augusta Ada King, Duchess of Lovelace
Daughter of Byron! Making computers all in pre-computer type times! A DUCHESS! Having fancy hairdos! All being called the "Enchantress of Numbers" by Chuck Babbage! Those other bitch’s babies ain’t got nothing on your mini Ada Lovelace!
3.) Amelia Earhart
Highly competitive, stylish, mysterious, proponent of open relationships, aviatrix supreme -- your next lady-child is begging to be named Amelia. Plus maybe this will conjure her ghost and your baby will be the reincarnated soul of Amelia Earhart. Except that’s impossible because reincarnation does not work that way. Also Amelia Earhart is STILL ALIVE MAYBE?
4.) Emma Goldman
Political activist, anarchist, kick-ass New Yorker, and yes, while she technically put some room between herself and feminism, she was also systemically advocating for revolution and thought being gay was awesome. DO IT.
5.) Bea Arthur
Mainly this is just because I like Bea Arthur? Also Dorothy don’t have time for your shenanigans, Stan! Pussycat’s got her girls. Ladies, let us retire with our aptly named babies to the lanai, shall we?
Who would you name your baby after as a lady-lovin’ homage? Who was your favorite Golden Girl? Would you see a musical starring all 5 of the aforementioned mentioned women because I am thinking that I totally would.