That One Drink That Was Born Out of Desperation

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Claire Lower
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I suppose the best way to write a drink column is while a little drunk, at least I hope so, because that's what's happening. I mean, I'm not sure what Dan was expecting when he asked me to do a cocktail column, but I'm sure you guys aren't surprised. The format practically demands it: You guys give me drinks, and I have to drink them. To not do so would be lazy journalism.

I really enjoyed all of the fun names last week but, unfortunately, the most up-voted comment was a little difficult to execute:

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 I have an uncommon name, but it sometimes shows up in vineyard names. I always buy that wine. I always drink the whole bottle, and when someone asks why I don't share, I say because it has my name on it.  

Obviously, I didn't know what this person's uncommon name, so I was thwarted in terms of obtaining that wine. I was going to look for something with my name on it, but decided instead to make the next most up-voted beverage, which comes to us from marxamod:

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I had an amazing cocktail once called Sage Against the Machine. (Sage, tequila, pineapple juice)  

Not only is this fantastically named, but would you look at those delicious flavors! I'm not a huge tequila drinker, but I had a pretty bottle of DeLeon Platinum that someone had sent me quite a while ago, and I was pretty pumped to use it.

I really like the bottle cap

I really like the bottle cap

There was really no reason to complicate this cocktail. Pineapple and sage already have a good thing going on, so the only addition here was a squeeze of lime for some acidity. You can add a quarter teaspoon of simple syrup if you like a really sweet cocktail, but I'll leave that to you.

Claire's Interpretation of Sage Against the Machine

You will need:

  • A cocktail shaker
  • A muddler
  • 4 sage leaves
  • 1/4 teaspoon simple syrup (optional)
  • Ice
  • 2 ounces tequila (Like I said, I uses a "platinum" because it's what I had, but a reposado would probably be better)
  • 2 ounces pineapple juice
  • 1/4 of a lime

Place three of the sage leaves in the bottom of the shaker and add simple syrup if you're using it. Muddle, muddle, muddle until the leaves look "wet." Throw in your ice, tequila, and juice and squeeze in the lime. Shake, shake, shake. Strain into a glass that has even more ice in it and garnish with that last sage leaf.

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Enjoy in the bathtub for maximum relaxation.

This sexy little beverage went down real easy, and I sipped it slowly while soaking in some Epsom salts (the new Ginger & Clay variety, in spite of the fact that it says "detoxify" on the label) while listening to this playlist.

As such, marxamod's trophy is the first super sexy track off the list, "Look at We Are" by Hot Chip:

Shufflin' right along.

You know when you're at home, and you need a drink, and all you have is random crap leftover from parties and some novelty vodkas? It's an annoying situation because, while you technically have alcohol, you don't really, at least not what you're craving.

But such situations can be blessings in disguise, for they breed ingenuity and progress. For example, one particularly bleak evening when I was out of both gin and Campari, I was minding my own business, drinking beer, when I was hit with the sudden need for a cocktail. Besides the aforementioned beer, the only thing I had was a sampler pack of Deep Eddy vodkas.

Now, as far as flavored vodka goes, Deep Eddy is actually some of the best around. They don't have that fake, cloying, flavored vodka taste, and the fact that the citrus ones are cloudy makes me feel better about them for some reason. But besides gin (which, let's be honest, is flavored vodka), flavored vodka isn't something I usually flock to.

To compound my "problem," I was also out of soda water, so the "throwing a shot of grapefruit or cranberry Deep Eddy in a lowball with something fizzy" approach to things was out of the question. But then it hit me: I had beer. Better yet, I had a bright, citrusy, slightly salty Lime Gose from Wingman. I tossed a shot of the cranberry vodka into a pint of the Gose, and a beautiful beertail was born.

So now, as is our custom, I want to hear your creative, born-out-desperation, MacGyver'd alcoholic creations. The desperation doesn't have to be severe; slightly extenuating circumstances are just fine.