As I type this, the stitches in my eyeballs are in the process of dissolving — so I have to pause every so often to dab away the sticky residue that clouds my vision. The stitches are because I'm about 10 days out from surgery to restore my lost binocular vision, also known as strabismus surgery. I've spent the last 20 years tilting my head ever-so-slightly to the right in an effort to reduce the intermittent double vision that comes along with poor eye muscle control, and the resulting stabbing pain in my neck had become excruciating.
I had both of my eyes operated on, but I won't go into specific detail as to why there is only a patch on one of them except to say that the doc (whoops, maybe don't read what I'm about to put in all caps if you get sick easily) TIGHTENS UP THE STITCHES IN THAT PARTICULAR EYEBALL WHILE YOU ARE AWAKE THE NEXT DAY.
Here's a little bit more backstory about my eyeballs, since you didn't ask: I wore glasses as a wee child and had Radial Keratotomy surgery (aka the original LASIK, just performed with a scalpel instead of a laser) to perfect my vision at age 18. It was 20/20 for many years, but nothing last forever, so here I am trying to make you barf at your computer before lunch.
My current vision isn't terrible, but I can tell that wearing corrective lenses reduces eye strain and fatigue. So when the eye doctor admonished me to wear my glasses as much as possible after surgery (especially when reading or using the computer), I took her seriously — and got started shopping! Because if there is anything I love on this earth, it's an excuse to explore an entirely new category of items and accessories, credit card in hand.
Then, afraid they were a bit too crazy to wear every single day, I decided to get a backup pair from Miu Miu that were a little more normal (jewel-encrusted temples, wow, such understatement):
Even later still (as in 3pm the same day I bought the first two pairs), I decided that if I was going to wear glasses, I was going to wear some friggin' glasses — I mean really make them the centerpiece of my style. That means I'd need glasses you can plan outfits around. So I found these ultra-tasteful Prada frames priced to move on Amazon — and my eyeglasses wardrobe was almost complete. (Also, checking Amazon for discount designer eyeglass frames is maybe one of the best cheap shopping secrets around.)
By dinnertime, I realized that the missing piece in my eyeglass puzzle was something glitzy that I could wear with all my gold jewelry, so I snagged an inexpensive pair from BonLook.com and finally called it a day.
Now that I own all these glasses, I had to find a way to store 'em. I went for this 8-slot eyeglass storage case that fits just perfectly in my epic jewelry tool chest, but I've also got my eye on this storage case lined with ultrasuede from BonLook, because what we haven't covered here is the current state of my prescription sunglasses collection.(Luckily that's a story for another day and an entirely different post.)
Speaking of storage: I fall asleep every single night while reading or looking at my phone, so I also needed a safe place to groggily stash my specs bedside when I'm technically in REM sleep. I was quite happy to find this plush-lined eyeglass holder, most brilliant old lady accessory ever (also, tapestry is the new black):
In other "I didn't even know I needed that" news: you should grab yourself an eyeglass chain immediately. It's really the height of sick grandma style. But not just any chain will do — Sintilla is busy making eyeglass chains for hip chicks that are both stunning AND functional. (I'm partial to the ones that double as necklaces from the back.)
Also, I'd like to ask: Am I the greasiest babe to ever walk the valley or are the rest of you cleaning your glasses 5, 7, 0r 10 times every day too? After a lot of trial and error, I can report with 100% certainty that the very best eyeglass cleaner currently on the market is made by Zeiss and available in both spray and towelette versions. It cuts through oil like crazy and leaves zero streaks.
Oh, and in case you were wondering? This weird-ass clamping glasses cleaning device works like WHOA. I tried it with absolutely zero faith that it would do anything (I mean, it was a whopping $2.72) and then ordered one to stash in every corner of my house, car, and office. It polishes out mini smudges in seconds and keeps your filthy mitts from dirtying up your glasses even further.
See you around, four eyes!
Alison Freer is the author of 'How to Get Dressed: A Costume Designer's Secrets for Making Your Clothes Look, Fit, and Feel Amazing'.