What if I want to dress like a red-blooded American girl?
I get it. French girls are cute. They have tomboy style on lock. They are chic and minimalist and I GET IT. Those looks are really great on some people but can we please stop fetishizing French women? Do we really need an endless barrage of blog posts about how to dress like a French girl? It’s a super cute style but it is A style, not an ideal.
I rarely get patriotic, but I happen to think that American style is pretty great. I know we have Tommy Bahama and Ed Hardy to apologize for, but we are a HUGE country, we’re bound to have some missteps. We also have Marc Jacobs and Ralph Lauren and Philip Lim and Tom Fucking Ford. American fashion is nothing to be ashamed of.
And we’re not doing French women any favors by placing them on this lifestyle-blogger-crafted pedestal. Are you simply not allowed to be a hot mess in France? Can you imagine what it’s like to be a fat French woman? There is a book called French Women Don’t Get Fat. Uh, but what if you do? Do they deport you? I would also hazard a guess that our idea of French style is too narrow. It can’t all be striped shirts and delicate jewelry and perfect second day hair and flawless skin. There is nothing wrong with any of these things, but it has to be more varied than portrayed.
But I’m getting too serious. If you really like being chic and subtle and classy, then go forth with your Bensimon sneakers and your chambray button ups and take a piece of jewelry off before you leave your house every day. I can’t live like that. I’m a fucking peacock. I love seeing a well-dressed French girl as much as anyone else, but it’s just not a look I can pull off.
LET ME TELL YOU WHY.
1. I can’t wear button ups
Boob problems, yo. I cannot wear a button up without that thing gapping in a way that defeats the whole effortlessly pulled together spirit of the button up. It makes me feel slovenly and lets people see my boobs. Not that I’m against people seeing my boobs, I just like to be in control of the viewing. I want you to know that I am LETTING you see my boobs; you’re not getting away with anything. The shirt gap destroys all that.
2. Sometimes I like dressing like a slut
French sexiness is subtle and I’m not subtle. Nothing about me is subtle. I like have those American thighs you hear so much about and am currently in possession of a sizeable ass. I’m loud and in no way restrained or poised. I admire mysterious women but there is no way I could ever be one; I like talking about myself too much (like I have to tell you guys that).
The whole “less is more” thing just doesn't make sense (please don't explain it to me). Mathematically speaking, more is more. I like a lot of look. I like cleavage AND a bold lip AND a pair of attention grabbing boots. I like looking a little weird.
I really like having my tits out. I feel like you don’t see a lot of photos of French women with their tits out.
3. I can’t do tomboy
This is related to item number one, but it’s more than that. I think girls who can pull off tomboy style are extremely attractive, and for years I tried to emulate them, but it just ain’t me babe. And the moment I realized that I looked and felt better in more curve hugging and feminine pieces, it was like coming home.
My ass looks awkward in most pants but it effing sings in a stretchy pencil skirt. I’ll never look chic and pulled together in skinny jeans and simple silk blouse because I don’t feel comfortable in those things.
4. Nothing about me is effortless
I don’t want to seem effortless. I don’t effortlessly have pink streaks on my head. If someone compliments my lashes, I don’t coyly smile and thank them, I start proselytizing The Way of the Last Extension. I love a makeover moment. I like cleaning up nice. Because my day job is messy, I don’t put a lot of effort into my appearance when I’m there. But when I get dressed up, I get DRESSED UP and I want you to know that I put in an effort. I tried. For you.
But beauty aside, NOTHING about this existence is effortless. If you had been a fly on the wall during the cronut experiment of 2013, you would have observed much gnashing of the teeth. I tried a lot of different methods and I didn’t hide that. I wanted you to see my struggle, not to deter you from trying to make cronuts, but to show you that I’m not special and that if I can do it, you can do it.
So I’m against effortlessness in general, because I think that anything worth doing requires some effort and I think that extends into fashion and beauty.
5. Cowboy boots
Guys have you seen the cowboy boot? It’s as American as the Happy Meal and it’s pretty spectacular.
And it doesn’t just begin and end with the boot, Western wear in general can be pretty ace. I love a big belt buckle. I love a sincere cowboy hat. I wouldn’t wear all of them at the same time, but any one of these items can tie an outfit together in a uniquely American way.
But that's just me. Style is a series of personal choices, and I would never tell anyone not to dress their body however they want to, but I don't feel bad about not wanting to look and act more French. While French women can be flawlessly put together and amazing and wear cute outfits, they are still WOMEN. They aren't perfectly curated ballerina goddesses that hold all the secrets in their perfectly unwashed hair. They got a good thing going on, but we do too.
Plus, we have hamburgers.