Enough designer collabs have come to pass that I now feel comfortable expressing my...let's call them feelings about this sartorial tease. Things to know: 1) I'm a normal. I used to be a fashion editor who got special access and free stuff for press purposes all the time. That no longer happens. (By choice, by the way.) 2) I'm a financial normal. I am a paycheck-to-paycheck person who can maybe, maaaaybe go on a vacation once a year. I don't have a trust fund, own stock, or have a cousin who works high up at H&M. Normal.
1.Collection announced: OMG! Rejoice! Affordable fashion from my favoriteomgloveher designer! Yay! Remember that year I saved for months and months to buy a pair of her shoes and then the cat got sick and bye bye money and it was awful but at least I have my cat and it's gonna be okay now. IT'S GONNA BE OKAY NOW.
2. Release date announced: Okay...I guess I can wait seven months. It's cool. I can wait. I can. I mean, I don't get why they announce something eight months in advance because it's, like, kind of mean but I can wait. I can.
3. First photos released: It's everything I dreamed it would be! Even though I have no idea about fabric quality! Look how gorgeous it looks styled with all of the other pieces from the collection! I'm not even thinking about how hard it would be to buy enough of the pieces to actually wear said outfit, I'm just so in love. Four months to go.
4. Prices announced: SONOFA. Are they kidding? Wasn't this supposed to be affordable? I pay $20 for pants at this store! Where the hell do they get off charging $99 out of the clear blue designer collaboration sky? Inner compromise ensues. It's okay, I'll just by one piece. I can afford one piece.
5. Bloggers get it free: SONOFA. Why is this shit on Instagram days before I can buy it? Why do they get to wear it? It's going to sell out anyway! Why does the store need to "promote" the clothing before it's available to buy? Are they worried about sales? I mean ARE THEY? Not only am I not rich enough to buy the real deal, but I'm not cool enough to have access to the fake deal. This is a rough deal.
6. IT'S HERE: Set alarms, charge laptop, make coffee, perform agility exercises. I'm ready. I AM READY. Not since registering for college classes have I been so on edge in front of my laptop.
7. CANT. ACCESS. SITE. Breathe, keep breathing, take Ativan, refresh. Refresh. Refresh. What is happening. Why is this happening. Is it really hard to rent extra servers for one day? I mean IS IT? Did we learn nothing from Missoni for Target? This is 2013 not 2004! Get it together!
8. Defeat: 40 minutes of refreshing, crying, shaking, cursing. Determination drains away like Mr. Hyde's potion sucking him back into Dr. Jekyll. I tried. I tried so hard.
9. Anger: Take to Twitter. Release demons. Hashtag THIS, bitch! Why, why would my hopes be amped to peak levels for absolutely no reason at all? It's like I never had a chance! Why even say you're going to sell something online when you're not really even selling it! Don't tell me lies! Sweet little lies! I'm wearing Mossimo right now and it's all your fault!
Oh, I should have camped out, you say? Sorry, I actually have a job that allows me to make the money to buy your clothing at REGULAR prices, sorry I can't just blow it off to not pee for 12 hours and have my ass take the shape of the concrete sidewalk. I've got dignity, dammit.
How do they get me every time? My hopes go up, they crash down. They're never even a little bit fulfilled! Maybe this time it will be different, I think. Then I go for a walk with the Easter Bunny and my pet Unicorn.
10. Acceptance: Ebay.