It was whilst reading this feature on the Telegraph on the ‘new cleavage’ that it hit me; I really need to raise my boob game. In fact the sad truth is I don’t even know if I have a boob game anymore.
When I was younger, in the '90s, when the Wonderbra ruled supreme, I used to be all about the cleavage. I didn’t necessarily want to be, but it was the 90s, and we didn’t know any better. If you were going out, and had big boobs, you showed them off – preferably in a V-neck top from Jane Norman; them were the rules.
But for years now I’ve been trying to down-play the boob situation; lessening their impact under loose t-shirts and low-key bras, you know, giving the legs and arse a chance to shine. Fashion doesn’t really do boob you see – not real actual lady boob, and to be honest, big out-there-and-proud cleavage makes me feel a bit insecure, which is rarely the look I’m going for.
Also cleavage always attracts the worst sort of male attention; the wrong men after the wrong thing. Leering brutes who are after control, instant gratification and someone to cook their meals, not love, mutual respect and a partnership with someone who can count higher than 5.
Since I dropped out of the cleavage game things have changed though. Yes, thanks to the likes of Rihanna, Taylor Swift (although I’m not sure what she’s packing really counts), and most recently (and surprisingly) Zosia Mamet (Shoshana from Girls), the cleavage game has diversified.
The new boob game is different; it’s not so upfront. It’s all about a whiff of this and a hint of that - an ‘oops I did it again’ wink-wink kinda vibe. So I thought what the hell, I’m 30, single, and packing mammary heat, maybe I’ll give this new cleavage a shot.
What followed was a rather confusing, morale-battering 45 minutes*, where I attempted to defy the laws of gravity and make my boobs do things they simply couldn’t comprehend. They, and gravity, won. And that’s when it hit me; this new cleavage isn’t a real life trend. This is just a bullshit famous person, ‘hey small people, don’t ever forget we’re better than you’ fucking trend.
Because no normal person has tits like this, and even if you do, where are you going with this level of boob game? Not down the local Wetherspoons on a Friday night that’s for sure. Nevertheless, because I am nice and have a little time on my hands I will go through the new cleavage options for you…
*No, there is not photographic evidence of this time, because as I frequently like to remind Phoebe, I am NOT Liz Jones.
The new cleavage options:
Hhhhmmm….well first you need to find something with a hole right where your cleavage will be. Good luck. And then you need to not wear a bra… and still have your boobs levitating at the height of the hole. Now, I’ve thought long and hard about this, and I honestly have no idea how you’d go about achieving this without either having really tiny or fake boobs. If you do manage this with a C-cup or above I’d suggest you enrol on an engineering course asap, because gurl, you got skillz.
The Deep V
Honestly, when are you ever going to have an occasion to wear a dress that you could do this in? A wedding? A Bar Mitzvah? A really fancy work party? Show up to one of those events rocking a navel-grazing deep v and don’t come crying to me when you get bitch-slapped by the bride, stalked by a pack of horny, confused 13-year-old boys or indecently propositioned by your boss. You have been warned.
Firstly, this seems to be a rather Rihanna-specific trend. Secondly, if I tried this, with a top that short, there would be nipple on show. Fact. And no one wants to see that on the high street. This is without a doubt the least accessible, chic and dare I say intelligent of all the alternative new boob options. However, that doesn’t mean it’s not all kindsa hot. Expect to see this attempted by D-list slebs and gurning hipsters at a festival near you this summer. Try not to laugh.
Look at Gwyneth – she even makes side-boob look chic *sigh*. Actually, this is the most real-world realistic of all the new cleavage trends, as you don’t need a red-carpet occasion or serious daddy complex to try it. No, if you want to get in on a bit of side-boob flashing action, all you need is the hipster staple – a loose vest.
Loose vests have long been an opportunity for a bit of bra-flashing, so it’s no great leap (if you’re tiny of tit) to just lose the bra altogether. Go on, do it, knock yourselves out. Just know I’ll be jealous.
As for me, well I think I’ll be sticking to my tired old no-boob game after all. I think it’s best for everyone involved. I’d probably just end up making a tit of myself anyway…
Do you think you could take on the ‘new cleavage’ and win? Do you have a deep-v suitable occasion on the horizon? Are you willing on the summer months just so you have an opportunity to get your underboobs out? Or, like me, are you waving your white flag and bowing out gracefully?
For more boob chat follow me on Twitter @MissSisiG