DO THIS DON'T: Wear Clothes From The Kids Section

“Alana,” you might say, “Do you think there’s something wrong with wanting to look like a vaguely promiscuous teenager at your haggard old age?” Answer: Duh.

Aug 30, 2013 at 12:00pm | Leave a comment

Even though you’re a fully grown adult, are there people in your life that will hold things high up above your head, out of your reach to see if you will jump for them like some energetic child seeking Graham Crackers off the top of the refrigerator?
 
Are you patted on the head with marvelous frequency?  Have you been lifted involuntary in the last 90 days? When a harasser on the street calls you "Shorty," do you get pissed but kind of say to yourself, "Well, fair enough"?  We have more in common than you know. 
 
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True facts: I only grew three more inches after this photo was taken at age 9.

So, if you happen to have a small bone structure and are a certified member of the Itty Bitty Titty Committee (holla!), this should totally be an option for you. Not only are kids clothes kind of insane and fun, they are really cheap too! So come, my pipsqueak pals, my shrimpy sidekicks, my fetal friends. Let’s be total fashion creepballs since no one takes us seriously anyway. 
 
The IDGAF Preschooler


 
One of my favorite things about children is how totally shameless they are about looking like absolutely adorable little lunatics with their sartorial choices. Dark days are always made brighter by some 3-year-old in a Halloween costume in April or a kid in a tutu and camouflage and tiger ears or whatever. 
 
I aspire to be called an adorable lunatic so I chose this deceptively simply but high-concept outfit that embodies both my childlike joie de vivre and my love of the cosmos.
 
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You can ask me all you want why I'm in the bathtub but I simply don't have an answer for you.

You see, I am wearing sunglasses and then the sun on the shirt copies me and wears sunglasses and then the celestial bodies on the pants copy the sun by being celestial bodies. I'll give you a second to recover from having your mind blown for a minute. They make galaxy tights for grown-ups, but not for $8 they don't.  

 
Also, baby doll barrettes can (and should) be worn by anyone at all times. 
 
Tween Sensation
 
My favorite accounts on Twitter belong to animals with bad attitudes or animals that have overcome tremendous odds.  My SECOND favorite accounts on Twitter are insane preteen fan girls from the suburbs that have 100K+ followers that are constantly providing the world with updates on just how badly they are losing their shit over the latest pictures of their favorite pop music sensation. 
 
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I don’t know that many preteens in real life, but I hear that they take A LOT of selfies.

If you follow pop music feuds the way I do, you know that it is a matter of WHEN and not IF a war between the Directioners and the Beliebers will come. So I’m ready.
 

The shirt is actually a children's pajama that I was thinking of slutting into a super short dress, but opted for a more PG look here. I am sure that there is now a cooler term for shorts that look like this but I am my mother's daughter and I'm going to just go ahead and call them culottes. I would tell you where I bought them for, like, $11 but I think they have a really poor labor record so I'm too ashamed. 

 
Boy Clothes Just Make Me Feel Basic 
 
Oh, I’m sorry, I fell asleep looking at this outfit from the boys section cause it’s so totally boring.  Can we get somebody on the Cute Clothes for Boys Lobby and send them to Washington or the Garment District or something? 

 
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Does anyone know where I can find a yacht or like, a soccer ball?


Unless you have the budget of this fancy kid of Instagram, chances are your boy clothes are going to be plaids, stripes, denims and khakis.  There were a handful of t-shirts that reinforced negative messages about masculinity that involved sports and trucks and flirting with girls at age 4 but I was having none of that.  
 
These boy shorts are from a school uniform, for $9 dollars, and the shirt is my most expensive purchase, a Marshall’s Polo shirt at $22.99.  I feel like I might fit in at Casual Day at a Connecticut boarding school.  Does anyone from a Connecticut boarding school have intel on this? 
 
School Uniforms: Available in Regular or In Slut
 
School uniforms have been my jam for a long time. New York is full of charter and private schools that make really cheap basics widely available and these are KILLER.  Behold, the schoolgirl jumper and short-sleeved turtleneck, with standard-issue black shoes. Total outfit cost: $35.  
 
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Complete with The Annunciation Dyptych in background, cause you know, Catholic school.

Now, I love me a jumper and it brings in a lot of compliments but if you are going to dress up in school uniforms, you should do it the right way. And the right way is ALWAYS the slutty way.
 
So I opted for this standard issue Navy cardigan in a size too small for $11 and a pleated tan skirt with built-in shorts for $8.99.
  
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Regarding the cig, I quote Will Smith’s Miami, “It’s for the look, I don’t light it."

“Alana,” you might say, “Do you think there’s something wrong with wanting to look like a vaguely promiscuous teenager at your haggard old age?” Answer: Duh. But while I figure out the underlying issues that compel me to dress this way, I’m going to have a ton of fun with it because:
 
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This is helpful to flash at people who ask you about your intentions and aspiration.

So these are my day-to-day picks from the kids' section. Any other recommendations to find dope kids gear are most welcome cause my ass is broke and I’ve heard rumors that cat clothes are finding their way to the kids' section, too.