I am not one of you.
I don't identify with nor understand you no-shampoo truthers that insist on crowing about how great your hair looks when you only wash it once a week — for I am a gloriously greasy-scalped blonde with baby-fine doll hair that looks like a rat licked my head if I'm not ever-vigilant with the shampoo.
I've been told that this no-poo lifestyle does indeed work for some of you, but I still don't fully get it. As my ultra dry-haired pal Victoria at xoVain once said to me when we were discussing our polar-opposite shampooing routines:
"It is amazing that we are the same species of animal and our hair could be so GD different. What a world!"
But even I, your not-very-humble hair-washing queen, has days where she just can't bring herself to wash her hair before popping out to the store, or her alarm has failed to go off and all she can manage to do is to jump in the shower for under one minute, hoping enough water somehow actually got splashed on her body to pass as bathing, rendering a proper shampoo impossible.
On those days, instead of settling for looking like an oil-slicked pauper, I go for broke — and just wear a new-fangled tiara in my hair.
This clever invention is a bun pin, meant to jazz up topknots from coast to coast — if not the entire known universe. I always laughed them off as mini-tiaras, meant for drunken sorority girls and self-satisfied bachelorettes, but now I see the error of my ways — as they are the absolute perfect device for rocking dirty hair and still shining bright like a Tynan.
Suddenly, 'Topknot Saturday" (which is a real thing, check out all the babes at the grocery store next weekend and you'll agree) isn't quite as boring. And you kind of don't even need to buy one to ape the style — you can just take a hair comb you happen to have lying around the house and stitch any old broken piece of jewelry to it with regular thread and then pop it in your topknot. (Hot tip: You'll need to make an extra-large knot at the end of your thread, and it's okay if the finished product is a little floppy — your topknot will hold it up!)
But a bun pin isn't the only way to pull off dirty hair with pizazz. No, as the New York Times Fashion & Style section recently mused (in the way that only they could): "Are Tiaras the New Power Scrunchies?" (Wait, you guys missed the power scrunchie trend?! Tsk tsk, so out of touch.)
I'll spare you one of your 10 free NYT articles this month and tell you what they mean when they say tiaras: jeweled headbands. Apparently it's all the rage for big-time badass lady businesspeople to wear sparkly headgear in the boardroom — or wherever power women are congregating these days:
Ms. Miller, a 36-year-old corporate communications manager for eBay, was headed to her office in Washington, D.C. Her Swarovski-crystal-studded head wrap by Jennifer Behr is one of several crowns she bought this year and now wears to meetings and dinners around town. She says the diadems (her preferred term) add a sophisticated polish to any outfit.“If you look historically at great, powerful women, they always finished with something on their head,” Ms. Miller said. “Think of Cleopatra.”
Yes, won't we all take a moment to think of Cleopatra. The headbands referred to in the article are in the $425 to $695 range, and are therefore completely ridiculous — but I'm dead sold on these adjustable Dauphines of New York rhinestone and chain headbands, available at Sephora and starting at a measly $24.
Not a single soul on earth will realize you're rocking yesterday's hair when you pop on one of these sparkly beauties. They really are works of art, and should probably just be renamed "dirty hair distractors."
I <3 the Dauphines pieces simply because of the adjustable straps, as every single headband I put on my head starts to hurt after about 20 minutes — but LOFT by Ann Taylor is also killing the glitzy headband game these days.
Unwashed hair shouldn't keep you from swanning about the mall like the royalty you really are. So slap a tiara on that dirty mop and be done with it.
I'm on Twitter: @IveyAlison
I also wrote a book: "How to Get Dressed: A Costume Designer's Secrets for Making Your Clothes Look, Fit, and Feel Amazing," available now for pre-order!