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I'm watching Hollyoaks so you don’t have to, as I explain here. And may God have mercy on my soul.
THE SKINNYFor someone born without a personality, Hollyoaks stalwart Riley has done well. He fathered a child with Megan Fox’s evil twin, Mercedes; enjoyed an abortive, sigh-filled fling with lovely Irish Lynsey; and has now finally found true - if genetically questionable - love in the arms of his cousin, Mitzeee. So, does this resolve his brunette love triangle? Will the course of true love run smooth?
Does it arse, and will it buggery. Angry, scorned and sun-damaged, Mercedes wreaks her revenge by STABBING HERSELF IN THE STOMACH and pretending that Mitzeee did it. I realise this sounds far-fetched, but a) it’s Hollyoaks, and b) just LOOK at how evil Mercedes is:
And that’s not even IT, because - hold onto your hats - someone has murdered lovely Irish Lynsey:
To add insult to injury, she was STRANGLED while browsing Groupon. The Hollyoaks community is thrown into disarray. No one knows what to do. All the girls start wearing tinted moisturiser instead of foundation:
All the boys stare off into the middle distance:
And everyone ACTS, and I mean ACTS - all popped veins, Barry M-laced tears, and the kind of desperation that only comes with really wanting to be on the next series of Holby City. It’s like The Killing, if everyone in The Killing wore hoodies from Vero Moda and every episode was directed by Jedward.
And THAT’S not even it. You see, the brunette love triangle must continue, so exit brunette Lynsey, enter brunette Texas:
At some point in the past, Texas narrowly escaped the clutches of legendary Hollyoaks serial killer, the now-incarcerated Silas, who’s now hinting that he knows something about Lynsey’s murder.
So, as is completely normal during homicide investigations, the police encourage poor, traumatised Texas to visit Silas and inviegle information about this case.
Gingerly Texas tiptoes around Silas’ psychiatric cell, looking for clues:
Oh, now that’s disgusting. I mean, he reads BOOKS.
Saints alive, he SKETCHES! What sort of monster is this?
Oh. He’s a Hobbit.
Oh well, stay tuned for next week’s recap, which features a BALROG. Probably.
1. Lock up your sons. Brendan’s moustache is catching:
2. Murderers only prey on women named after places (Texas, India). So I’m totally safe because I’m named after a BIRD. Oh wait. Oh shit.
3. This dress is amazing:
Until next time.