This is the fifth installment of A Guy Recaps Lady TV in which Noah Garfinkel-- a guy who mostly watches CNN and the History Channel -- watches a lone episode of a television program geared toward women and recaps it. Here, Noah takes in the recently aired Lifetime Original Movie, "Untouchable: The Drew Peterson Story."
In case you don't remember who Drew Peterson is, he is that guy who killed two of his wives. "Ohhhh, you mean Scott Peterson?" NO! I don't mean Scott Peterson. He also killed his wife, but only the one. We're talking about the guy who killed two wives. I don't mean to go all dad on you, but seriously, women, you should probably just stay away from Petersons in general.
Anyway, Lifetime made an original TV movie about the double wife murderer, Drew Peterson. But, before we get started on this recap, let's all watch the trailer for this movie so we can all get on the same page.
"I'm untouchable, bitch." - Rob Lowe With A Mustache
Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you. Rob Lowe With A Mustache plays Drew Peterson. OK! Are you pumped?! Let's DO this. Let's watch what Lifetime considers to be "Television for Women!"
We open on Rob Lowe With A Mustache having sex with Wife #3. (He had four wives.) Out of nowhere, one of their kids barges in saying his brother is making a mess in the kitchen. Rob Lowe With A Mustache slowly egresses Wife #3 to take care of the situation and, in doing so, brazenly flashes his just-been-having-sex penis at his kid. Total Television For Women moment.
Then, suddenly, Rob Lowe With A Mustache is in his police car (he's a police officer). Whoa, that was an abrupt transition. They totally skipped the scene where he puts pants on. Nonetheless, he arrives fully clothed at a motel where there is a domestic disturbance. He ends up flirting with the receptionist who is the girl from the Big Bang Theory.
How do I know they were flirting? Was there well constructed, subtle script writing that slowly revealed there might be an undertone of sexuality going on? Hahaha, no. I know they were flirting because the movie grabs you by your shoulders and yells to you that they are flirting as spittle flies into your face.
Here's the dialogue verbatim.
Row Lowe With A Mustache: Have you seen the husband?
Big Bang: Yeah, he's been running through here. He has scissors.
Row Lowe With A Mustache: Nice.
Big Bang: He's a little crazy, but love'll do that to you.
Row Lowe With A Mustache: Love'll do that to you? You seem a little young to know anything about love.
Big Bang: Well, young for you. R
ow Lowe With A Mustache: Oh, I see. You think I'm flirting with you.
Big Bang: I definitely think you're hitting on me.
Row Lowe With A Mustache: You see, if I didn't know better... I'd say you were flirting with me.
So, yeah. They were flirting. Then, the scissors guy walks in, and Row Lowe With A Mustache arrests him. I'm not omitting this movie's explanation for why there was a guy running around with scissors. It was simply never explained.
Next Rob Lowe With A Mustache is at a police party at the station with Wife #3. They are not getting along. He gives her a tour of the station as they bicker. He then LOCKS HER IN A FUCKING JAIL CELL.
Wife #3 says, "Do you have any idea how much I hate you sometimes?" It's likely that the "sometimes" she's referring to is when he's doing stuff like LOCKING HER IN A FUCKING JAIL CELL. Now Rob Lowe With A Mustache is back with Big Bang in an airplane hanger where he is showing her a plane he owns. What? How did we get here?
This movie goes from scene to scene with no regard whatsoever for pacing. It's like a montage of scenes pulled from a much longer movie that may or may not have made more sense.
So, now, in a how-did-we-get-here airplane hangar, Rob Lowe With A Mustache says he is still married, and Big Bang makes out with him. You know, 'cause that's what you do when a guy with an airplane says he's married.
Later, Rob Lowe With A Mustache is at home with Wife #3 who suspects he is cheating on her. Third wives can be so intuitive. They have a brief physical altercation during which he shoves her. Then, we're in another scene entirely where he's just bought Big Bang a car. HOW MUCH TIME IS SUPPOSED TO HAVE PASSED?! Nobody knows.
So, to celebrate our confusion, Rob Lowe With A Mustache brings Big Bang home to have basement sex while his wife is upstairs.
So, now, Wife #3 wants a divorce. Good idea, Wife #3! Rob Lowe With A Mustache goes to Big Bang to tell her what's up, and she's like, "Cool! Also, I'm pregnant." Oh, boy. By now, you're probably wondering how far we are into this movie. A third of the way? Half way? Nope. We're just barely six minutes in.
Rob Lowe With A Mustache moves in with Big Bang as he finalizes his divorce with Wife #3. And then, Big Bang's baby is born and she and Row Lowe With A Mustache are having a wedding. Now, we're six minutes and eight seconds in. This movie has all the rhythm of a refrigerator falling down a flight of stairs. Also, Wife #3 is dead in a dry bath tub.
The police rule it an "accidental drowning." ARE THESE POLICE EVEN WATCHING THE SAME MOVIE?!
After the dry bath tub death, you get the sense that Big Bang suspects Rob Lowe With A Mustache is responsible. She takes a walk with her neighbor during which they pass by the house where Wife #3 was murdered. Big Bang points out the house and mentions that Wife #3 died under mysterious circumstances and also that it's where she and Rob Lowe With A Mustache used to have basement sex at night. The neighbor makes a dude-you're-gonna-get-murdered-too face.
Spoiler Alert! Her face is right. Over the course of the next few seconds, Big Bang has another baby, Rob Lowe With A Mustache's oldest kid graduates high school, and Rob Lowe With A Mustache starts suspecting that Big Bang is cheating on him for no reason whatsoever. He begins checking her emails and pushing her into TVs.
Multitasking! Then, Big Bang's sister dies. At the funeral, she hugs her brother-in-law, and Rob Lowe With A Mustache accuses her of sleeping with him. FINALLY she's fed up. The murder of his last wife was one thing, but this is TOO MUCH. She wants a divorce.
Next, Big Bang's other sister (the one who didn't just die) shows up at the home of You-Gonna-Get-Murdered-Face Neighbor. Big Bang hasn't been answering her phone. Big Bang's Sister and You-Gonna-Get-Murdered-Face Neighbor confront Rob Lowe With A Mustache, and ask him where Big Bang is. He tells them that she ran off with some other guy and won't be back for a looooong time.
For some reason or another, Big Bang's sister and You-Gonna-Get-Murdered-Face Neighbor are skeptical! They file a missing person's report with the police. The police interview everyone, and everyone is like, "Oh, yeah, Rob Lowe With A Mustache totally murdered Big Bang!" But the police still don't arrest him.
Then the movie slows down. It took only an hour to cover about 15 years, and, now, they spend 45 minutes focused solely on Rob Lowe With A Mustache doing creepy things. But guess what, Lifetime!? You already had him murder two wives. The cat is WAY OUT OF THE BAG ON THE CREEPINESS. We already know he's creepy because of the dead lady in the bathtub and the other dead lady in the big blue barrel. Oh, yeah. I forgot to tell you. He ditched Big Bang's body in a big blue barrel.
Reminds you of being a kid when you'd stay in on a rainy weekend day and play Barrel of Wife Corpses with your mom.
In fairness to "Untouchable," you don't actually find out about the barrel until later in the movie, but by this point you still know for sure that Rob Low With A Mustache murdered Big Bang. Eventually, there is a public outcry for further investigation into the deaths of Rob Lowe With A Mustache's two wives. They exhume Wife #3's body and find that the cause of her death was no-duh homicide.
Interesting note: Wife #3 was buried in the exact same coffin as Big Bang's sister from before.
"Na, don't bother buying a can of spray paint. Nobody cares about this movie." - This Movie's Prop Master
The police FINALLY arrest Rob Lowe With A Mustache. As they get him into a holding cell and demand that he put on a prisoner's uniform, he begins stripping and swinging his dick around. This is not an embellishment. It is literally what happens.
And then, the movie ends. Well, that was fun! Let's discuss the main problem with this movie. Rob Lowe With A Mustache is played so transparently as a murderous, sociopathic asshole, that you can't sympathize with the women who marry him. You're just like, "Uh..... why are you marrying a murderer, you doofus?" So when they actually end up murdered, you're not even upset. You just go, "Ahhhhh, you doofus." What would have been interesting is if the movie portrayed how it's possible to get fooled into loving a person with a murder mustache, but it doesn't even come close to doing that.
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go have some prepackaged processed food and crackers.
I eat Lunchables, bitch.