Yesterday, we, the people of the Internet, were #blessed with the official teaser trailer for the actually existent movie, "The DUFF." Before pressing play, I had no idea what it would be about. The link was sent to me by my friend Kristina with nothing but the all-caps word WHY, so upon seeing the title and her incredulity, I deduced that it was probably a documentary about Hilary Duff.
It's not, but I really wish it were.
So, yeah. The Designated Ugly Fat Friend. WHY indeed, Kristina.
Just in case you couldn't make it all the way through to the tag line at the end, it's, "If you don't know who it is, it's probably you." I didn't even know what a DUFF is prior to this trailer, let alone who it is among my friends, so that probably means I'm some kind of Double DUFF or something. DUFF squared, even.
But just to be sure, I'm breaking down the clues from the trailer to help me -- and help you -- figure out if we're the DUFF. Because nothing else is more important at this moment.
So, based on the two minutes of movie magic above, you might be a DUFF if...
You live in an alternate universe where words have no meaning.
The key words that make being a DUFF something supposedly undesirable are the two in the middle: ugly and fat. (It's even less desirable if you don't want to be designated or a friend.) And for your convenience, in addition to making the truly adorable and not-at-all-overweight Mae Whitman the titular DUFF, they have literally circled two examples of DUFFs in the trailer.
So, that really pretty, thin girl (I mean, it's not the most flattering screen grab, but she's obviously conventionally attractive) and that cute, thin guy qualify as ugly and fat.
CANCEL THE DICTIONARY. Words now mean whatever you want them to mean. I'm going to blister a chocolate essay until it twists my panacea's glue necklace, you know?
You don't take any crap from men who say mean stuff to you.
After Mae Whitman's character, Bianca, is told by blunt, hot, popular jock, Wesley (played by Robbie Amell) that she's the DUFF and what that means, she responds with the cinematic universal sign for "fuck you" -- a drink in the face.
I don't advocate wasting alcohol like this but...wait a minute, these are high school kids, right? They shouldn't be drinking anyway! So, yeah, she doesn't put up with insults and she's being a responsible partier. Both good things!
For some plot-moving reason, Bianca apparently keeps having conversations with the handsome jerk in order to get his help to become un-DUFFed. The trade-off? She's going to help him pass his science class.
One can only infer that she's a really good student. Another good thing! Why are we trying to not be a DUFF? So far it seems pretty cool.
On multiple occasions in this trailer, we see Bianca wearing overalls, which are super-in right now.
You're allowed to hang out in the guys' locker room even if you're not a guy.
No one seems embarrassed or upset or confused by Bianca's presence in the locker room, so I think it's safe to assume that, in addition to DUFF-ness letting you be as peepy a Tom as you'd like, you might even get a bonus pec dance.
You have pyrokinesis.
But unlike Carrie, another member of the girls-having-a-hard-time-in-high-school club, you use your power for good: pretty fireworks!
I dunno, y'all. Based on this trailer, being a DUFF seems pretty awesome.
But yeah, there's no way I'm seeing yet another you're-not-good-enough-as-you-are-but-oh-wait-just-kidding-you're-good-enough-after-a-couple-hours-but-we-still-wanted-to-make-young-women-feel-terrible-about-themselves-in-the-process-of-reaching-this-meaningful-conclusion-even-though-the-only-thing-anyone's-going-to-take-away-from-this-is-the-acronym-and-it-will-be-used-to-hurt-people-in-real-life-despite-the-moral-of-the-story piece of shit.