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Today is the worst day of my life.
Lady Gaga has cancelled the remainder of her Born This Way Ball world tour. Cancelled. Done. Finished. Over.
I have nothing left to live for.
Let me start off by saying that in the past, I’ve danced around the fact that I am something of a Lady Gaga fan. But it’s time for me to come clean. I am a HUGE Gaga fan. Remember that time when Gaga wore a full body orbit while performing on SNL? Well I made one too:
I also recreated the Alexander McQueen Armadillo Heels from the Bad Romance video out of nine-inch stripper heels for Halloween:
I was even working on a Make Your Own Gaga hair bow tutorial for xoJane, to post after the show:
AND a Rico the Zombie/Lady Gaga skull makeup tutorial, from that one scene in the Born This Way video!
So, there it is. My secret is out. I can fully admit that I am, in fact, a Little Monster.
Gaga first tweeted that she would have to postpone dates in Chicago, Detroit and Hamilton on Tuesday evening, just ONE DAY before I was supposed to see my queen live on tour, due to an injury that she had been hiding from her staff but had now worsened.
I was a little taken aback, but after giving it some thought, I came to grips with the startling news.
“It’s just postponed,” I told myself. “Not canceled. At least I’m not one of those high schoolers who has been camped out in their cars for three days.” See, I can be rational. Sometimes.
But then. But then.
I should be embarrassed to admit this next part, but I’m not. There are a couple members of every fanbase that I follow on Twitter. You know, the super fans. I follow them because they’re young, obsessed with and protective their idols, and above all things, ratchet, delusional, and rude, just like me. These, my friends, are what we call “stans.”
A Stan is basically a stalker + a fan. A stan is fickle. A stan will wait outside your hotel for two days to get a picture with you and then go on Twitter and talk about how your new single is “flopping.” A stan will ruthlessly defend you to other stan bases, until your live performance at an award show doesn’t have enough bells and whistles to entertain them, at which point they will drag you up and down the message boards. A stan will be able to plan, with excruciating detail, your next album release, promotional schedule and world tour, all without ever legally buying your music.
I was getting ready for work last night and I checked Twitter. All was calm, all was bright on my timeline until I was wiggling into my jeans, and that’s when it started.
The stans were incessantly tweeting, and that is never good.
The caps lock. The live tweeting. The heartbreak. The rage.
“Live Nation Global Touring has confirmed that the remainder of the Lady Gaga Born This Way Ball performances have been canceled.”
It felt like my heart broke into two pieces, then fell out of my ass, onto my heavily studded shoes.
“After additional tests this morning to review the severity of the issue, it has been determined that Lady Gaga has a labral tear of the right hip. She will need surgery to repair the problem, followed by strict down time to recover,” Live Nation told us.
Canceled. CANCELED THE DAY BEFORE I WAS SUPPOSED TO SEE HER.
WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW? Everything began to go dark. It was like my life was happening in slow motion, as if I was having an out-of-body experience, watching it all transpire outside of myself. One minute, filled with excitement to see the Queen of Pop, the next, feeling as if I was about to be swallowed whole by this grief. Nothing would ever be the same. My life would now be separated into two parts: Before Gaga Cancelled The Born This Way Ball, and After Gaga Cancelled The Born This Way Ball.
Life can be so confusing sometimes, so unfair. I’ll be honest, I am not dealing well. But I know I’m not the only ~*monster*~ out there who has been dealt this cruel hand. So, ~*~Little Monsters~*~ everywhere, I present to you the Five Stages of Grief When Lady Gaga Cancels Her Tour.
“This can’t be happening.” “This is some sort of big, elaborate joke.” “Some Madonna stan must have hacked Live Nation’s Twitter and is trolling us all.” I hoped, I prayed, I held on to every last bit of hope I could find, but no.
Remember when Gaga revealed the “Born This Way” album cover and it was so fucking bonkers that all of her fans were convinced it was a joke? Yea, it was kind of like that. After MONTHS of waiting I was SO CLOSE to seeing her. She couldn’t possibly be cancelling the show now. RIGHT?
I GOT THESE FUCKING TICKETS ON PRESALE. I JOINED LITTLEMONSTERS.COM IN ORDER TO GET THESE TICKETS BEFORE ALL THESE OTHER BASICS GOT THEM. (Full discloser: I was totally a member of LittleMonsters.com before that, clearly.) SHE CAN’T JUST CAAANCEL THE REST OF THE TOUR. THAT WAS LIKE, A LOT OF DATES. ALL THOSE COSTUMES WERE VERSACE. I WANTED TO SEE THE MOTORCYLE PIANO. AND THE GIANT INFLATABLE VAGINA. I am honestly sick to my stomach over it.
“I’d give anything to see the Born This Way Ball.” I thought to myself. “I’ll give Gaga my functioning hip! Inflammation of the joints? I have joints! She can have them!” …My delusions worsened with every passing minute. “Well, at least Rihanna’s Chicago tour dates might finally sell out, after being on sale for months.” Shine Bright Like A Tynan. #PhuckYoTour #Navi
4. Depression –
"I’m so sad. What’s the point of getting out of bed? What’s the point of turning on my iPod or looking at the Billboard charts? I can’t even find joy in the things I used to love, like drunkenly performing “Bad Romance,” full choreography, in an empty bar or a bus stop, or talking shit to a pre-teen Nicki Minaj fan. Even record sales, multiplatinum albums and net worths can’t save me from myself at this point. What am I without the meaningless elitism of being a superfan? Who am I, without Lady Gaga?”
In Gaga we trust. The bitch is a performing machine, and she wouldn’t just cancel her tour for no reason (like when *COUGH* Britney Spears cancelled her 2004 Onyx Hotel Tour to hang out with Kevin Federline). And after all, wouldn’t we rather see Gaga performing at the top of her game rather than secretly in pain? The answer is yes. And maybe now that she’s got some downtime, she can put finishing touches on ARTPOP, that damn album she’s been promoting since last summer, ever since she merely came up with a name for it. Oops, sorry, looks like we’re back to stage 2.
We will carry on. We have to. And it’s nice to know that even in my darkest times, I still have people looking out for me. So, while Gaga heals, let us all band together, not as competitive groups of shady stans spilling tea and paying dust, but as one pop music loving family.
In the meantime, let us focus on this: Your fave better glue her wig on tight because Beyonce is coming with that “Mrs. Carter Show” to drag the lesser pop bitches to the gates of hell while giving life to us mere mortals.
Just dance, gonna be OK.
Console Tynan on Twitter: @TynanBuck.