This is the tenth installment of A Guy Recaps Lady TV in which Noah Garfinkel -- a guy who mostly watches CNN and the History Channel -- watches a lone episode of a television program geared toward women and recaps it. Here, for the first time, Noah will watch a second episode of a show he has already recapped, “Snapped.” What follows are Noah’s thoughts on Season 9’s 4th episode, "Clara Schwartz."
As some of you will remember, I recapped an episode of Snapped not long ago involving a woman named Linda Henning who thought she became a cat during sex and then helped kill a woman she thought was an alien queen. It was real fucking nuts. There was also a ninja sword somewhere in there. I had picked the episode at random and thought that I had just "happened" to stumble upon the most insane episode.
That was until I got the following email from Julieanne. The subjected heading was “SNAPPPPED” and the body simply stated, “The episode ‘Clara Schwartz’ involves a renaissance faire 'assassin.' There are no words.”
I interpreted “There are no words” as a dare and then began a quick recap. [ED. NOTE ]
We begin the introductory teaser with the narrator explaining, “Clara Schwartz was a shy, quiet girl who loved escapist fantasy.”
Then, just in case you thought maybe they were talking about her having dreams of being the next Harry Houdini, there’s a cut to a guy in a goatee saying, “Vampires, goths, role playing… that type of stuff.” Cool. Got it.
We are then introduced to Clara Schwartz’s friend, Kyle Holbert, who “had an even looser grip on reality.”
Oh, man, yeah. These two are totally going to kill a person.
Next, we learn that Clara Schwartz’s father was found dead in his home and that, at some point, Kyle “makes reference to a vampire frenzy when he tasted blood.” Fucking yikes, Kyle.
The teaser then ends. That was just the teaser. The real story hasn’t even started yet and already there’s vampires tasting blood and gothic role-playing. On my iTunes, the time code reads 36 seconds. We are just over half a minute into the episode. Let’s get into this.
In Loudoun County, Virginia in 2001 a researcher named Bob Schwartz did not show up for work. Concerned, his co-workers contacted a neighbor who looks exactly like Earthworm Jim to check on him.
Earthworm Jim arrived at Bob’s home to find him dead of multiple sword wounds.
Not having much crime scene evidence to go on, police began canvasing the neighborhood and learning about the Schwartz family.
Clara, Bob Schwartz’s youngest daughter, started getting into Marilyn Manson and role playing games at around the age of 14. She also started playing Dungeons and Dragons and going to renaissance faires. Even if this girl had no part in anyone’s murder, she would already be haunting my nightmares.
Clara didn’t have many friends except for a girl named Katy Inglis and Katy’s boyfriend, Michael Pfohl. They all started playing a role playing game Clara had made up called "The Underworld" in which Clara was the ruler, Lord Chaos. Let that sink in.
Also around this time, Clara started dating a guy named Patrick House who "believed in dragons."
(What I hate most about this show at this juncture is how it’s making me feel like a bully. I consider myself to be a very nice person, but I desperately want to grab all these kids by their shoulders and yell in their faces. Somehow, they’re so lame that I want to wear a letterman jacket just so I can look the part while making fun of them. OH, FUCK, NOW I’M ROLE PLAYING. Goddamnit.)
Eventually, Clara and Patrick break up. Clara, Katy, and Michal end up going to a renaissance faire where Clara meets the previously mentioned Kyle Holbert. Kyle, at the time, happened to be wearing a cat mask. Jesus Christ, Kyle, a cat mask?
Clara takes Kyle over to her friends and introduces him by saying, “This is Kyle, and he’s an assassin.” Really? The kid in the cat mask is an assassin? I mean, she’d know better than I would. She’s Lord Chaos. I’m just a dick on a couch.
Kyle quickly becomes close friends with Clara and her clique because they are all the catmasky worst. Important note: Kyle is a diagnosed paranoid schizophrenic. So, basically, what we have here is a group of sane people who are always role-playing hanging around with a paranoid schizophrenic who has trouble deciphering reality from fantasy. The fact that this show is all about murder kind of gives away the fact that there’s going to be a murder, but I think we would all see this coming anyway.
The narrator then says, “Clara and Kyle were just friends, but that didn’t stop Clara from buying Kyle a sword.” Hahaha. Right. Because normally only people in long, committed relationships buy each other swords? What the fuck is this show talking about? And why have 100% of the episodes of this show that I’ve seen involved sword murders? Oh, yeah, spoiler alert, this guy totally kills Clara’s dad with a sword.
By this point, Clara is in college and, during a three-day weekend, she invites Kyle to her house to meet her dad. The narrator asks “Was their relationship about to take a more serious turn?” Uhhhhh, “a more serious turn?" Do you mean like boyfriend/girlfriend or like BRUTAL SWORD MURDER? I genuinely don’t know which thing the narrator is getting at here.
But the narrator continues, “Once the holiday weekend was over, Clara went back to her dorm, and Kyle went back to playing Dungeons and Dragons and practicing assassin moves with his sword.” WHAT ARE ASSASSIN MOVES?! You can’t “assassinate” someone with a sword. If you’ve killed someone with a sword you’ve just straight-up crazy person murdered them.
It was shortly after this that Bob Schwartz was found dead. When the police come up to Clara’s college to tell her what happened, she is completely unfazed.
Police quickly learn that Kyle had knocked on a neighbor’s door immediately following the murder and asked to use their phone to call a tow truck; the car he was using had gotten stuck in the mud. Then the police find out that it wasn’t Kyle that was driving, but was instead Clara’s creepy renaissance fair friends, Katy and Michael.
The police take Katy and Michael into custody and search their homes. In Michael’s house, they find Kyle’s sword. The narrator refers to it as a “ninja” sword, which it is clearly not. Not every sword is a ninja sword, "Snapped."
While in custody, Katy and Michael are entirely cooperative with police and explain they had driven Kyle to Clara’s dad’s house where he had exited the car with his sword. He returned to the car about 30 minutes later. Then, after the car got stuck in the mud, they went back into town in the tow truck and split up. Michael refers to the whole situation as “a big oopsies." He actually used the word, “oopsies.”
It’s crazy how much I hate all of these kids for reasons completely unrelated to their crazy goth role playing murder.
When the police finally arrest Kyle, he, too, is completely cooperative. He claims that he was Clara’s protector and that the murder was justified because Bob Schwartz had abused Clara. He also hints that Clara knew about the murder.
When the police bring Clara in for questioning, she claims that Kyle had talked about murdering her dad, but she had never taken him seriously. She then says, “If I had believed him, I’m almost positive I would’ve called campus police.”
Almost positive that she would have called campus police. Clara, when you’re already lying please, PLEASE, feel free to not hedge your statements like a weird murdery goth renaissance fair girl who buys people swords.
The police search Clara’s computer and find IMs that show she helped planned the murder. We then see a picture of some random IM.
Obliviously, one of them is named Dragon666. These kids suck so much.
Clara is then arrested for having such a lame screen name. Just kidding. She is arrested for planning her father’s murder. It turns out her father never abused her and that there was also a $400,000 life insurance policy Clara was hoping to collect. Oh, ALSO, her boyfriend from before (the one who believed in dragons) had broken up with her a year before when she had asked him to kill her dad.
Sooooooooo, yeah. She got convicted of first degree murder, conspiracy to commit murder, and two counts of solicitation of murder. Kyle was also found guilty of first degree murder. Michael pled guilty to second-degree murder, and Katy served 12 moths on accessory charges. Take THAT, losers!! Go directly to loser jail. Do not pass loser go. Do not collect your loser friend’s murdered dad’s $400,000 life insurance policy.
I’m actually not sure if this was crazier than the Linda Henning episode. I think the cat sex in that episode took the crazy cake. In addition, Linda Henning’s mutant turtleneck was somehow even more disturbing than any of these goth kids’ renaissance faire clothing.