I met Lisa Lampanelli at Night of a Thousand Gowns, "a dazzling display of regal glamour" thrown every year by the Imperial Court of New York. The party is basically a who's who of LGBT media featuring an annual auction that has donated over $1.5 million to LGBT, HIV/AIDS causes over the past 26 years.
Naturally when I stopped the Queen of Mean to chat, I was worried that she'd go all insult comic on me and turn down an interview, but she couldn't have been friendlier.
What pills do you take every day?
You know what, I'm supposed to take a multivitamin, I'm supposed to take a pregnancy vitamin, but guess what? I don't take any of them because it makes me disgusted to be healthy. I used to take Wellbutrin, but not anymore.
Yeah, I don't like that either. Okay, what's the most disgusting thing in your bag right now?
Watch this. Not only do I have a Gucci tote that I got on sale, I have within it the Tiffany evening bag, which by the way was a gift from my wedding planner. See, you spend enough on a goddamn wedding they get you a goddamn purse!
But that's not disgusting, that's really gorgeous. What's the most disgusting thing in your bag?
Yesterday I found a really black banana because I thought oh, I need a delicious snack, but instead I drove to McDonalds for a McFlurry. I can't be healthy, I give up, I don't give a shit. I'm funny, I don't need to be cute!
What's the closest you've ever come to being arrested?
Oh my god, are you kidding me? OK, it just happened about a month ago. I was driving through Pennsylvania and I got pulled over while I was eating in the car. I was driving and I got pulled over and the officer said, "Have you been drinking?" and I said "No." He said, "Have you been texting?" I said "No."
I got pulled over because I was swerving all over the road, driving while fat. I'm not lying, he gave me a DWF. Seriously, I almost got arrested for a goddamn McFlurry.
That's not fair; that's fat profiling.
That's what I'm saying!
My last question is, have you ever faked an orgasm?
Constantly. I don't think it's right to not show a guy a good time. Here, here's my orgasm face. And here's my orgasm voice, "Oh yeah, make me a woman." Trust me, my husband buys that shit every time.
Will you say hi to Jane for me?
Hi Jane; I can't believe I'm talking to you. Jane Pratt, you're too fucking skinny. Eat, bitch!
Follow Julie on Twitter @JR_Schott.
Follow Lisa Lampanelli on Twitter @LisaLampanelli.