I am running around like a crazy person today. I literally went to Ricky's four different times because the nylons I kept getting were the wrong size for my long-ass body. I was cursing as I ran down the street to exchange them -- but thankfully the staff was very nice and patient. My dog just looked at me like I was insane.
I also freaked about my hair yesterday when I saw a picture of myself after I got my hair done by a hairdresser whom I love, but I mistakenly told her to do the "gloss" which gave it more of a golden hue. So is this the most #firstworldproblems thing you've ever read? Yeah, I think so.
Anyway, I called my hairdresser lady friend and said, "My hair looks browner than before I got it colored!"
She talked me down from the ledge and told me to get some Johnson & Johnson baby shampoo which would strip out the golden gloss to make it look blonder. (I honestly think I have some negative association with my hair looking golder or browner with when I was at a pretty unhappy time in my life in my twenties, which is why it makes me freak. Also, I am vain. Anyway, I'm a little disgusted with what a shallow betty I'm coming across in this post so let's move on.)
Remember that gigolo crowdsourcing story? GUESS WHAT? I've been waiting to hire the guy based on your votes because I want Joy Behar's awesome audience to weigh in with their votes on: The Gigolo and The Fantasy.
But wait, you're saying, "Mandy you're seeing The Comedian, WTF is wrong with you? Don't hire a gigolo, girl! Cancel that ish."
Well -- but, no. The Comedian is chill. It's early on. It's not like I'm going to do anything sexual with the guy. He's not a hooker. It's a fantasy! You know? Lots of sexual tension, the juju juice of life, but there doesn't even need to be skin contact if I don't want. That's the beauty of sexual tension.
It's also why every woman should hire a male escort at least once or twice weekly as part of a healthy gigolo regimen.
I read that on WebMD.
Oh, one last #firstworldproblem by the by? I ran to find a dress to wear because as Olivia once said when she was being mean to me, and I was trying to guess the rilly bad insult that she said was just too mean to say -- and I was like, "What that I'm old? That I'm annoying? That I'm too tall? That I don't dress well?"
She smirked at me and said, "Well that last one is just truth."
I love that bitch.
The reality is that I have an okay sense of style, but I'm still kind of budgeting myself thinly here in New York and like 80 percent of my money goes to dog treats and the like. But when we are getting down to brass tacks, I want to look hot on TV. So I went to some professionals for help.
The lovely ladies at Kate Spade. And I looooooooove the dress that I bought. Watch tonight on Current -- they will post the segment later tonight online, too -- and tell me what you think. Also tell me if you think my hair looks blonde enough.
One more reason to watch? We might be talking about the Miss Delaware scandal involving an alleged sex tape which is one of the craziest scandals I've ever read about. I just -- I kind of want to option it for a Lifetime movie stat. I'm thinking Jennifer Love Hewitt. (PS What do you think of that scandal? Do you think that for a pageant that rewards sex appeal it's hypocritical to revoke someone's crown for alleged involvement in porn?)
Also -- the guy who, like, runs the gigolo business that I'm using to find My Perfect Male Escort is Garren James, who is a former gigolo himself, and he's appearing on the segment with me -- and actually flew into New York to be on the show! Fun! And they've brought on relationship expert Siggy Flicker who is going to, I don't know, tell me I'm doing life wrong or something.
Lastly, if you want some ridiculous video to check out before the appearance tonight, please enjoy one of the first things I did when I returned to live in New York in late August. It's a pretty funny music video where me and a bunch of funny chicks like Jessica Delfino all swarm over the singer Soce. It makes me laugh -- a lot.
Okay, I'm off to the Current TV studios!
Want me to deliver any secret or not-secret messages to Joy?
Find Mandy long-form at http://tinyurl.com/stadtmiller.