My Somewhat Inappropriate Conversation With Time Warner About Downton Abbey

The love story of our time.

Feb 22, 2012 at 10:00am | Leave a comment

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There are two really important things to know about me before we get started.
 
Number One: I am fantastic with any kind of courtesy call or technical support person. I am very congenial. In addition, if I feel any opening whatsoever, I will flirt with the person who is helping me. Do you have any idea how delicately you have to thread the needle to successfully flirt with an Indian woman who wakes you at 6:10 in the morning because you haven’t paid your student loan bill in four months? There’s a very high degree of difficulty there, and I don’t mind telling you that I really nailed it when I was given the chance. “Linda” “loves” the name Noah.
 
Conversely, if there is an expectation of anonymity, I will take the opportunity to act like a lunatic.
 
Number Two: The cable bill in my apartment is under my roommate’s name, Brent.
 
Now, let’s get started. Last night, I got home late to realize that I had not set my DVR to record the Downton Abbey Christmas special. I quickly went to the Time Warner website to see if there was any way to use the “Start Over” feature on PBS. I didn’t see any helpful information, but I did see an option to speak to a tech analyst by way of a chat room. I signed on with my roommate’s information. I was immediately notified that User Brent and Analyst Sidney were logged in, and I was immediately sure that “Brent” was about to be a big weirdo about Downton Abbey.
 
Here is the conversation that followed:
 
User Brent_ has entered room

Analyst Sidney has entered room

Sidney>

Thank you for contacting Time Warner Cable. At the end of our chat you will be given the option of taking a brief survey. My name is Sidney P. Please give me a moment while I access your account.

Sidney>
Hi, Mr. Sullivan, how are you doing today?

Brent_>

Well.

Sidney>
That's good.


Brent_>
It really is.

Sidney>
As I understand, you want to know if you can watch Downtown Abbey now, am I right?

Brent_>
That is very correct.

Sidney>
May I know when did the program air?

Brent_>
Matthew can walk now, and it's ridiculous, but I gotta see what happens.

Brent_>
It's airing now.

Brent_>
Started at 9.

Brent_>
Continues until 11.

Brent_>
On Channel 713.

Sidney>
Yes, sure, sure, you can watch it with our Start Over feature.


Brent_>
How do I do that?

Brent_>
It didn't give me an option

Brent_>
to start over when I put it on.

Sidney>
Okay. Let me help you with the steps. Please allow me a moment.

Sidney>
Yes, I will give you the steps. A moment please.

Sidney>
Please click on the link below to know how to use Start Over: http://www.timewarnercable.com/nynj/site.faqs/DigitalCab/StartOver/How-do-I-use-Start-Over%C2%AE

Brent_>
You see, Richard is a big ****, and Mary knows it. But she's got to marry him because of all the dirt he has on her. And also Matthew's fiancee just died for no good reason.


Sidney>
You can also look back up to 72 hours old show with our Look Back feature.

Brent_>
When I go to the channel, it doesn't give me an option to start over.

Sidney>
Yes, I know. My mom also likes to see this serial.

Sidney>
Okay, let me check.

Brent_>
And, also, it's like... Did Bates really kill his wife? I don't think so, Sidney. There's no way.

Brent_>
Pretty sure she killed herself just to frame Bates. Because she's spiteful and nuts.

Sidney>

Yes, I wish my mom was sitting besides me. I would have given you a running commentary about it.

Sidney>
Yes, maybe that would be the case.

Sidney>
I am still working on your account; please allow me a few more moments.

Brent_>
Oh, by all means. Do what you gotta do.

Sidney>

Thank you.

Brent_>
This show, by the way, has gone to complete ****. They really ran out of ways to make it not terrible.


Sidney>

Yes, maybe the writers are not witty anymore.

Sidney>
Thank you for your patience.

Sidney>
Mr. Sullivan, please could you try out the Start Over feature with any other channel?


Brent_>
Sure.

Sidney>
Thank you.

Brent_>

It seems to be working on CBS.

Brent_>
Working as well as Matthew's legs work now.

Brent_>
Even though he was supposed to be paralyzed.

Sidney>

Okay, that is good. Now again try to with PBS, please.

Brent_>

No, it's still not an option.

Brent_>
But I hope this is soon resolved. Much like I hope the story line with Ethel and her baby is resolved.

Sidney>

Okay. I think PBS is not given the Start Over feature, I am sorry about it.

Sidney>
Yes. I too hope the same.
Sidney>
Please check if you find the Look Back feature on PBS channel.

Brent_>

How do I go about that?

Sidney>

Let me give you the steps.

Brent_>

You're going to have to walk me through it like Mrs. Padmore walking Daisy through making a wedding cake.

Sidney>

Yes, right!

Brent_>

Yes, give me the steps, and hopefully I will be able to handle them with more speed than Bates. What with his limp and all.

Sidney>

Yes, sure, you will.

Sidney>
Mr. Sullivan, the Look Back feature is only active for the programs that are not airing currently. Please click on the link below to know the Look Back features: http://www.timewarnercable.com/nynj/site.faqs/DigitalCab/LookBack/How-do-I-start-a-Look-Back%C2%AE-pr


Brent_>

There is no option for advanced features on PBS.

Sidney>

Oh. I think PBS does not have Start Over and Look Back feature.

Sidney>
I am sorry about that.

Brent_>

So, what you're saying is I have about as much a chance to somehow start this show over as Edith has of not being a ****.

Sidney>

Yes, but does the program have any repeat shows?

Sidney>
Like at a later time or something, you can watch it there.


Brent_>

Oh, well. You have very honorably done your best. You are the Carson of Time Warner tech support.

Brent_>
I can watch it tomorrow online.

Sidney>

Or you can even watch this show on YouTube.

Sidney>
Thank you. I am sorry I was not able to help you fully.

Sidney>
Is there anything else I can assist you with?

Brent_>

No, that will be all.

Sidney>

Sure.

Sidney>
Take care!
 
 I should note that at least one of the things that got converted to a “***” was the word, fucktard.
 
In retrospect, I’m not really sure if what happened here counts as flirting or being a lunatic. I’m also not sure if Sidney was a man or a woman. Either way, I’d really like to hang out with his/her mom.