Let's Objectify the Men of 'Arrested Development'

Men who are hot... AND FUNNY???

Oct 19, 2011 at 10:00am | Leave a comment

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Duhhhhh "Arrested Development" is coming back. How excited are you?

No, seriously. How ... excited are you?

I feel like if any show deserves the equivalent of those men's magazine spreads on sitcom actresses who are funny AND hot, it's this one. (There is nothing wrong with me! Thanks for asking.)
 
I started watching "Arrested Development" back in '03 because my Dad called to tell me there was a new show on FOX with a lot of prison jokes. Sign me up. On first inspection, I remember irritating my family with such comments as, “I love Jason Bateman! Ever since Valerie! Jeffrey Tambour looks amazing! So thinnnnn! Who’s the hot dude playing the magician??!”

The point is, I was in deeply in love with the cast and still am. It’s the talent, obviously -- they're the best comedic cast in television history. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.
 
If you’re like I am, and unnaturally attached to a fictitious family of never nudes, magicians and criminals, then you’ve probably ranked the Bluths and co in bangable order in your head. I'm sharing mine with you and I expect you to do the same.

So here’s my list in bangable order of the men I want to have “Afternoon Delight” with. I need a hobby. 

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1.  Gob Bluth -- He’s a magician. He’s arrogant. He’s the Fredo to Michael Bluth’s Michael Corleone. He was a stripper. His song is “The Final Countdown.” If that’s not baby making music, I don’t know what is.
 
2.  Michael Bluth -- He’s a widower, adorable, clueless, and full of hubris. He has a kid, but the kid is kind of raising him. Great hair.
 
3.  Buster Bluth -- I’d bang Buster if nothing else so I could have Lucille Austero/Liza Minnelli’s sloppy seconds. And all that ARMY training! Plus, that no hand thing? Kinky!
 
4.  Uncle Oscar ("I’m Oscar!...dot com!") Bluth -- Passionate secret lover of Lucille Bluth, falsely imprisoned for mistaken identity, Buster’s real father and what gets me going is the ponytail and weed. Game on.
 
5. George Michael -- That skin! Those shirts! That self-deprecation! It can be like high school all over again! (Please don't put me in jail! HE IS LEGAL.)
 
6.  Tobias Funke -- Closet case or no, jeans shorts or no, who doesn’t want to sleep with an analrapist?
 
7.  Steve Holt- -- He’s kinda hot in a meathead fashion. He screams his name a lot in response to everything…and he has good genes (being Gob’s illegitimate son). STEVE HOLT!
 
8. Gene Parmesean -- He’s a mediocre detective and a master of disguise. But I bet he’d make you scream like Lucille does every time he appears!

9.  Bob Loblaw -- Bobloblaw. He’s a lawyer. He slams books shut. He’s dreamy and I could dress up like a maid and go to his house.
 
10.  Hel-loh Annyong Bluth -- An adopted Korean boy with an axe to grind and a secret past? Annyongggggg, nurse!