I want to strangle Adam from "Girls."
Like re-break his leg again and again and tell Adam (played by Adam Driver) to stop trying to mindfuck girls younger than him and to go to a therapist to deal with his undealt with rage.
I want to shield my eyes from Marnie (Allison Williams). Watching her crappy dysfunctional relationship with her mom who wants to be a friend instead of a mom and confusion toward her ex-boyfriend and growing desperation toward Hannah (Lena Dunham) is painful. I don't want her to need love so much.
I want to sing karaoke with Shoshanna (Zosia Mamet).
I want to tell her she's a really good and funny singer and that watching her smoke crack made me laugh a lot harder than most things I've ever seen and that's not an easy feat to do. I want to tell her that I wish I was a lesbian so she could text me emogi images and that I would appreciate them a lot. Especially the pandas.
I want to bitchslap Elijah (Andrew Rannells).
He's not bisexual. And just because he's let his older assholish drunken gay boyfriend start to pay for everything -- including his rent -- that was the sugar daddy's choice, and he doesn't owe him anything. Leave him. Get a higher paying job. Do start a band with Marnie. Just don't try fucking her again.
I want to hug Hannah. I loved the speech that she gave Adam when she said that she didn't need to take care of him anymore even though he did Jedi mind warrior level guilt trip destruction on her. She didn't want what he wanted. And the self-worth she is starting to show more of made her even sexier than she already appears through the sheer gall and confidence of her creative force. Both the character and the woman playing her.
I want to be Jemima (Jemima Kirke). She appeals to all of my shallow darker human nature impulses. The superficiality, the impulsiveness, the greed, the narcissism, the selfishness, the lustiness, the addiction, the human usury. Okay, fine I don't want to be her, but I love living through her nastiness. She is every bitch I've ever known who's glided by on her looks and her lack of conscience to fuck and take and wear the cornrows that anyone else would look ridiculous in.
I want to bone Sandy (Donald Glover). Even in that stupid hat. I want to borrow his copy of "The Fountainhead." And I want to pinch his gorgeous cheeks for being a male figure on the show who seems almost like an adult. From what I can tell so far.
I want to throw a glass of wine in the face of Elijah's boyfriend, George (Billy Morrisette), whom Hannah so rightly locked out of the party she was throwing for being too drunk, too loud, too insulting and too much. Dick.
I want to slap across the face Ray (Alex Karpovsky) for writing Shoshanna off for having the gall to act like who she is: a young girl who thinks it's funny to send stupid text messages. And for not realizing how lucky he is to have a gorgeous young girl like that give him even the time of day.
Mostly, I want to thank Lena Dunham (and Judd Apatow) for bringing to the screen the kinds of cringe that inspire conversations like we're having here. It's not wish fulfillment as so much of TV is nowadays. It's relationships-are-usually-devastating-and-humiliating-and-growing-into-yourself-as-a-young-woman-is-fucking-hard creative rendering.
There is nothing quite so awkward as finding footing as a 20something girl in the world and figuring out what your core identity is -- and how that identity relates to all of those around you: in sexuality, in friendship, in art, in career, in family relationships. I am both thrilled and embarrassed watching Hannah thrust herself on Sandy saying that she knew he wanted it. Aggressive nakedness on screen and all. She isn't afraid and when she is, she isn't afraid of seeming afraid.
I want to cringe. But I can't.
Because I'm too busy smiling -- and feeling better about my own stupid shit I do.
Maybe it is wish fulfillment after all.
Find Mandy long-form at http://tinyurl.com/stadtmiller.