Gilbert Gottfried Reveals His Gigantic Schlong and Tells Me How to Get Fired Over Twitter

Gilbert Gottfried knows offensive humor. And boy does he ever know how to get fired.

Nov 1, 2012 at 12:00pm | Leave a comment

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Gilbert Gottfried apologizes in advance for this photo with me.

 

I love funny people who don't give a shit.

Gilbert Gottfried is the king of it. When I approached him a few years ago at the Friars Club about how more fans are bothering celebrities to get pictures on their phones, here's how the encounter went down. (This never made it to print. You'll probably see why.)

Mandy: "What do you think of people who ask to take pictures with celebrities? I mean I've done it with you."

Gilbert: "I beg your pardon. You've done it with me? I should've remembered!"

Mandy: "Every which way. But no. In the age of Facebook, people take pictures of celebrities and put it online like, 'Oh look it's me hanging out with my buddy; we hang out all the time.' So do you have advice for fans about how to approach you?"

Gilbert: "Well one day someone's going to ask to have their picture taken with me, and then I'll let you know."

Mandy: "Shut up."

Gilbert: "No, you shut up. You shut the fuck up. Fuck you. You shut up. Fuck you. Fuck you. You jerk."

(Hysterical laughter.)

Mandy: "OK, I will fuck myself, and I’ll shut up. You know I took a picture with you once, and you made me go to the back of Caroline's."

Gilbert: "I always feel like whenever anyone takes a picture of me, it’s like they’re hoping, 'Well, just in case he pulls out a gun and shoots people, like blows up a school building or something, I’ll have a picture of him that I can show, and then it’ll be worth something.'"

Mandy: "Well, you’re famous, come on."

Gilbert: "Yes, yes I am. I’m pretty famous."

I realize that some people think that there are certain things that shouldn't be joked about -- like a shooting spree, say -- but to me, potentially offensive humor about incredibly dark subjects is one of the most liberating things in the world. It de-claws the power of the awfulness of the subject matter, breaking down the fear and power and stigma.

So when I saw Gilbert recently, at the roast of Anthony Bourdain (where the lovely Bonnie McFarlane brought me as a guest), I asked if I could do a quickie interview for xoJane, and he, naturally, responded by saying how enormous his penis is. I turned my iPhone on, and captured him in his element.

Gilbert: "My penis is about 37 inches, and that's just in width."

Mandy: "How does that affect your comedy?"

Gilbert: "It affects it because it's harder and harder to climb up on stage. I usually need to put it in a wheelbarrow, and sometimes I have an entourage just to carry my penis."

When I told him that one of the main search terms that leads people to xoJane is "tiny penis," Gilbert's only advice for those men in bed was to make "lots and lots of money."

But my favorite tidbit he gave me was when I asked if he gave any sexual tips -- as someone so blessed with a 37-inch-wide cock -- in his very funny new book "Rubber Balls and Liquor," and Gilbert said, "Yes, I give advice on tweets to send out."

"Like how to do a funny tweet or something?" I said naively, momentarily forgetting the entire Aflac disaster, where he got fired for making tsunami jokes on Twitter.

"No," Gilbert said. "How to get yourself on an unemployment line with your tweets. If you want to get out of your job, I can send you the right tweet. Yes, someone says: 'I'm sick of my job,' and I say, 'Send these right out.'"

Come to think of it, I think one fireable-tweet possibility might be the little speech he gave me at Friars: "You shut the fuck up. Fuck you. You shut up. Fuck you. Fuck you. You jerk."

All you'd have to do would be add in your employer at the start. Like Jane Pratt. Hi, Jane!

Gilbert, who cuts through the crap (in recounting opening for Debbie Gibson once, he said he knew he was fired because "when someone says they love you and respect you that's when you know you're out"), now sarcastically lampoons his act as an over-apologist since the Aflac incident.

At the Bourdain roast, Gilbert told me, at the end of our interview which you can see in full below, "In advance I'd like to apologize to anyone even slightly offended. Right now, I'm at that point where I have a PR guy. I have a whole agency, a PR agency that sends out these apologies, and I just put who I've offended. They'll send it to news stations. 'I, Gilbert Gottfried would like to sincerely apologize to [robot voice]: Anthony Bourdain.'"

Which actually makes me think of a golden tweet he did recently. "Why did the banker and his wife get divorced? They lost interest. I'm deeply sorry to anyone who has a low interest bank account."

I'm also now obsessed with the idea of what tweets could get me fired. Pictures of Jane sleeping? Jane sleeping and naked? Or maybe just a Twitpic series of Gilbert's freight train penis? I'll get to work on it, guys.

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