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Brad Pitt is a hard fellow to dislike. Even though I’ve heard that Chanel paid him $7m to stand around in what looks like a stonewashed port-a-loo, looking vaguely scruffy and unsettled and mumbling some old tosh about fate, I STILL can’t dislike him.
Instead, this advert just makes me increasingly incensed. Who dared to imprison Brad Pitt in this monochrome Athena-poster purgatory, I wonder. WHO is swinging that light above his head? WHO is clearly torturing a puppy just out of shot, because what else could cause such a furrow in the mighty Brad Pitt brow?
WHO hurt you, Brad? I’ll get Liam fucking Neeson from Taken on the case, I swear to god, just TELL me.
The thing is, I already have a thimble of Chanel No 5 that I stingily pipette onto my pulse points on special occasions, and when that runs out I doubt Brad Pitt’s furtling oration will inspire me to buy more. However, here are five monologues that MIGHT:
The Chanel advert could benefit from the gravitas of Rutger Hauer’s ad-libbed android death monologue from Blade Runner. Also, just FYI, I’d probably buy the shit out of any perfume called Attack Ships On Fire Off The Shoulder Of Orion, even if it smelled like J-Lo Glow.
Like Brad Pitt, Bill Murray philosophises about fate, luck and fortune in this Ghostbusters scene. However, he swaps Brad Pitt’s confused-lion quavering for relaxed daytime drinking on the steps of a civic building, which is both more charming AND more legal.
Keanu Reeves in Johnny Mnemonic NEEDS a comPEWtor! Oh right, THAT’S a ridiculous proposal for a Chanel advert, but Brad Pitt whispering into his sleeve isn’t? FINE.
Oh look! It’s Brad Pitt in Fight Club! And he’s delivering a dramatic monologue without looking like a minor country music celebrity making a regret-tinged public service video about hepatitis!
This Sesame Street speech ticks all the boxes that the Chanel advert was presumably going for – philosophy, friendship, the meaning of life, a cookie. It’s basically the Iliad, is my point.
Now, can someone PLEASE let Brad Pitt out of that port-a-loo?