Introducing Our New American Idol Columnist: YouTube Star Michael Buckley Can't Stop Thinking About Nicki Minaj's Wig

This season's Idol is all about the fake rivalry between Mariah and Nicki. Because it isn't about these contestants!

Jan 17, 2013 at 2:17pm | Leave a comment

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So I watched "American Idol" last night! I have been watching "Idol" since the beginning and have been one of its biggest fans and biggest critics. We watch it to mock it, right? Sometimes they sing OK, too? But surely we will not find a Carrie Underwood at this point in 2013 when "Idol," "X Factor" and "The Voice" all split the talent and can’t seem to find a star.

Wait, Phil Philips has a hit song. DUH! They reminded us in the opening. What is it called? Dome? Foam? HOME! Thanks NBC for playing it during the Olympic Gymnastics and getting it stuck in my head!

I have derailed…what was I talking about? OH, YEAH! "AMERICAN IDOL" IS BACK!!!!!!

Here is the problem right off the bat with the premiere of "American Idol." I have no freaking idea who any of the contestants are. Sure there was the girl with the guitar WHO SHOULD NEVER PLAY THE GUITAR AGAIN…..Like. Ever. Did you die when she picked up the guitar? And did you die again when Mariah mentioned how hard it was to sing and play the guitar at the same time like she was fucking Julie Andrews in "The Sound of Music"?

There was the tap dancer with one leg. He no longer tap dances. He had the cancer. Cue the sad music. Surely they will put him through? NOPE! Assholes. The producers probably saw that "The Bachelor" had a girl with one arm and thought “two can play at this game."

There was Camp Mariah girl -- who had attended Camp Mariah in her youth, which I Googled and I guess was really a Camp. I am hoping this comes back this summer! I will happily start a scholarship. Should I start a KICKSTARTER?

If it seems I am having trouble focusing, I am. I am not sure where to look. Do I focus on the contestants? Do I focus at the judges? Do I focus on the contestants looking at the judges? Do I focus on the judges looking at each other? Argh!

Did Randy Jackson lose weight or did he gain weight? I would love him to stand up so I can take a gander. He does seem over this, doesn’t he? He misses Simon. He misses Paula. He misses the Dog Pound. He probably misses Kara, because she made him seem somewhat helpful. I hope Keith wants to be friends with him.

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TWERK.

OK I will focus on the contestants…

Do you think Rubin is home watching thinking maybe he should just go audition again?

FOCUS!!!

Um. I don’t think we saw anyone tonight who will be in the top 5 so I simply cannot be bothered to learn their names yet. I find it is best to wait until Hollywood week to give a shit because they don’t show so many good people at this point. But I guess some were fine and some were bad. That is all.

Let’s talk about what really mattered. Nicki Minaj’s wig. I had strong feelings about this. Stronger feelings that I had for any of the contestants!

OK, so the first day of auditions, she looked so nice. She had a straight blonde wig on and a really nice sensible top, and I thought she looked lovely and like a judge and like she was determined to have the attention on the contestants and not her. I was focused on what she was saying, and I was enjoying her.

Then on Day Two, she put on a crazy-ass multi-colored wig. And all I could do was stare at it and think she is not there to judge, it looks like she is about to perform her own concert. I was screaming at the TV, “PUT YOUR JUDGING WIG BACK ON NICKI! PUT YOUR JUDGING WIG BACK ON NICKI!!!!!”

My biggest problem lately with all the singing shows, is that our focus seems to be solely on the judges and their dynamics and how much they are being overpaid to sit in a chair and offer little to no help to these poor suckers who audition for the show! This is most noticeable on "American Idol" where I am pretty sure we have not heard a helpful critique from any judge in a very long ever!!!!

Now here we are Season 13 and the goal for "American Idol" is probably to find a SUPERSTAR (and be number one in the ratings and sell lots of Coca Cola), and I bet they hope a girl wins because COME ON IT HAS BEEN SO LONG SINCE A GIRL HAS WON!!! GIRL POWER!!! PLEASE VOTE FOR A GIRL!!!!

As Kara D. would say, “Here’s the thing," the key to enjoying "American Idol" is to simply watch it as any other television show. I knew after Taylor Hicks won, I would never watch it the same again. I do not watch it with the hopes I will fall in love like I did with Kelly Clarkson. I just watch it because it is still enjoyable television. It is.

Ryan Seacrest is a great host. Love you Ryan! You are fun to mock but damn you are good at hosting this thing

Mariah Vs Nicki looks fake already. They seem like pals. Like divas who understand what makes good TV. Is Mariah Carey really afraid Nicki Minaj is going to shoot her? God, I hope so. If Barbara Walters said so, it must be true.

So yeah, last night was a lot to process! I still think "American Idol" is good TV and I think the judges are going to be fine. It could always be worse.

I guess that is all! What did you think of the "Idol" premiere? The contestants? The new judges? Nicki’s wig? I promise next week I will review the actual contestants!

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