103 Reasons Why Bryan Adams Is My Perfect Man

I just think Bryan Adams would make a really good boyfriend, ok? I mean, everything he does, he does it for you. And he’ll do it for 16 weeks in the UK, 7 in the US and 9 in Canada.
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Publish date:
February 22, 2013
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music, Bryan Adams, Fictional boyfriends

You know when you’re sat around with a bunch of mates drinking copious amounts of sauvignon blanc, flicking through magazines, revealing Top 5s, generally conforming to a SATCstereotype, and discussing perfect celebrity boyfriends? And then one of you (ME) drops what is – apparently – a bombshell, which is that you would totally give Bryan Adams one?

Now, I actually really don’t see this as an unusual or weird choice in the least (have you seen this hunk of a dude?), but judging by the horrified glances, checking of my temperature, and soft bouncing of tumbleweed rolling gently by, my friends did.

It’s not the fact that he’s 53 that they found strange; they have acclimatised to the fact that I basically never date anyone under the age of 40. Plus, age ain’t nothing but a number for Bry, his Twitter tag line is “18 Till I Die”, and we’ll gloss over the midlife crisis that implies.

I think the reason I alighted on Bryan is that he’s been in the news a lot recently. Last week his wife gave birth to their daughter, who they named Rosylea, after Gene Vincent’s Be-Bop-A-Lula (a favourite of mine). And also apparently as a nod to cockney rhyming slang. That’s pretty cool.

And especially so because it gave rise (no pun intended) to this HILARIOUS epic Google search result Daily Mail fail:

Also, last night Bryan Adams caught a bus home, and this was apparently deemed news worthy. According to the Irish Independent he hitched a bus home. Nobody hitches a bus home, if you stood at a bus stop and put a thumb out, the driver would basically just think you were complimenting his vehicle control skills and probably not stop.

Anyway, despite the fact Bryan described this public transport jaunt as a “quality ride” and earns minus points for that, the fact remains that I just think Bryan Adams would make a really good boyfriend, ok? I mean, everything he does, he does it for you. And he’ll do it for 16 weeks in the UK, 7 in the US and 9 in Canada.

After this confession, I had a wine-soaked, fitful dream that Bryan Adams was my boyfriend. These are the some of the reasons Bryan Adams is the perfect boyfriend, based on empirical evidence (albeit extrapolated from an unconscious state, but which I’m sure correlates pretty accurately to the real world).

This also works as a checklist you should be looking for in the perfect fella, do not settle for anything less.

- Bryan Adams brings in the washing for you, 5 minutes *before* it rains.

- Bryan Adams compliments you on your new haircut, when you haven’t even cut your hair.

- Bryan Adams holds your hair back when you're being sick, and then tells you a short cut would really suit you.

- Bryan Adams lets you crush on Bon Jovi even though you know it must Sting.

- Bryan Adams carries condoms, but not in a sleazy way. Just in a 'doing his bit' sort of a way.

- Bryan Adams comes back for the chocolate wrapper you wave at him when he’s in the middle of taking the trash out.

- Bryan Adams paints overly-flattering portraits of you based on photographs that were already heavily Photoshopped.

- Bryan Adams pretends not to be allergic to your cat when it sits on him.

- Bryan Adams pretends not to be allergic to your mother when she sits on him.

- Bryan Adams isn't cheesy enough to say “this must be your sister!” when meeting your mum for the first time. Please.

- Bryan Adams plays pool with your Dad and doesn't let him win cos he's a real man and not a pussy.

- When he enters your Momma’s porch (not a euphemism), he damn well wipes his feet.

- Bryan Adams only smiles politely and does not get mad when your mum's friend confuses him for Bryan Ferry at a family christening.

- Bryan Adams lies when he says he'd love to help you make a patchwork quilt out of your dead granddad's wardrobe. So sweet.

- Bryan Adams is keeping quiet about how he managed to play an electric guitar in the middle of a forest.

- Really long extension chord? Magical powers?

- Bryan Adams IS NOT a weirdo just because he spent 16 weeks in a wood.

- But he can't listen to The Cure's A Forest because it triggers his PTSD. #flashbacks

- Which is a real shame, because he loves the Bat for Lashes version.

- Bryan Adams is sorry but he made a mistake, it was actually the summer of 1970.

- Hate it when that happens.

- Bryan Adams doesn't mind that you only know two of his songs. He still loves you.

- Bryan Adams lets you use the bathroom first, even if he suspects it's not a No.1 you’ll be doing.

- Bryan Adams never mentions the fact he was No.1 for 16 weeks. Because he’s modest and not in the least bit egotistical, like your last crappy boyfriend.

- Bryan Adams buys you a new toothbrush when yours is getting a bit 'Einstein hair'.

- Bryan Adams puts the seat down and doesn't act like he expects to be tipped for it.

- Bryan Adams doesn't wear contact lenses but always keeps solution in his bathroom, because you do. (All the better to see him with).

- Bryan Adams doesn't fill up the shampoo bottle with water to make it go further like a normal man, he just buys new shampoo.

- Bryan Adams uses moisturiser, and not just cos the packaging is blue and has pictures of biceps on it.

- Bryan Adams has biceps.

- Bryan Adams buys tampons for you, doesn’t make a fuss about it, and will get Super Plus without making you say it.

- Bryan Adams will blow on your nails after you've painted them. While remaining fully comfortable in his sexuality.

- Bryan Adams doesn't leave any smear marks when cleaning the shower screen.

- Which is good, because then you get a better view of him in the shower. #jealousofmyfella

- Bryan Adams takes showers.

- Bryan Adams eschews his masculinity because he knows you hate stubble rash and prefer a close shave.

- That time Bryan Adams almost didn't ask you out was a close shave. <3 Love You BryAd

- BryAd Pitt

- Bryan Adams catches the spider using the humane glass and paper trick.

- Well, he did used to live in the woods.

- Bryan Adams doesn't just indulge your hypochondria, he actually Googles stuff for you.

- Bryan Adams stays by you hospital bedside even after you’ve discharged yourself.

- Bryan Adams calls OJ Simpson and is like, "add 'I Did It For You' as a subtitle, dude". NO HE DOESN’T THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH OJ SIMPSON.

- Bryan Adams tells you "there's just more of you to love" when you have a massive spot on your forehead.

- Bryan Adams tells you no, you haven’t put on weight even when the scales say different. And FYI, scales are like cameras.

- Bryan Adams doesn’t even judge you when you eat a whole pack of cookies without even drawing breath.

- Bryan Adams cooks for you and then lies about the calorie content.

- When Tesco runs out of Tropicana without the bits in, he buys the normal one and sieves the bits out for you.

- Bryan Adams doesn't complain when you buy the Obese size of popcorn & make him hold it throughout the film, even though he hates* popcorn.

- *Even though he is severely allergic to popcorn.

- Bryan Adams tests all of your food for nuts. Not because you're allergic, just because sometimes you're "not in the mood" for them.

- You are always in the mood for Bryan Adams.

- Bryan Adams will eat the last cookie in the box, but only after he buys you a whole other box.

- Bryan Adams lets you choose the biggest slices, and always saves you the last piece.

- Bryan Adams thinks it’s cute when you ponder how many calories are in your birth control pill.

- Bryan Adams uses the 10 person cafetiere when making the coffee just because he knows you want about 7 cups. He doesn’t judge you for this or mention health implications.

- Bryan Adams doesn’t care if you order a salad and then eat all of his steak. He's like, laid back like that.

- Lie back and think of Bryan Adams.

- Bryan Adams doesn’t lie.

- Bryan Adams buys you Love Hearts but takes all the disappointing ones out of the pack first if they're not up to scratch

- Bryan Adams is definitely up to scratch.

- Bryan Adams brings your slippers to the bed so you don't get cold feet on a tiled floor.

- Bryan Adams de-ices your car for you in the morning while you stay in bed a little longer.

- Bryan Adams untangles your iPhone headphones for you.

- Bryan Adams downloads the new iOS before you to make sure it's ok, like testing food for poison.

- Bryan Adams doesn't care that you have an iPhone 3G, he still loves you and your little round corners.

- Bryan Adams doesn’t tweet about it when you drop your phone on your face.

- Bryan Adams think it's cute that you still Ask Jeeves, even though Google happened.

- Bryan Adams turns around and tells the kids playing tinny music on the back of the bus to STFU. (We now know he catches buses).

- Bryan Adams buys you gifts with warranties that last longer than 5 years.

- Bryan Adams buys you gifts.

- Bryan Adams has been nominated for 15 Grammy Awards but he's still super proud of you when you get the £100 question right on Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?

- Bryan Adams tells you your picture of an elephant is real cute. :)))) You don’t tell him you’ve drawn a horse.

- Bryan Adams doesn’t mention his amazing photography and if he does, will only refer to it as a "hobby".

- Bryan Adams pretends not to fancy Lana Del Rey when he photographs her for a shoot.

- But obviously she fancies herself.

- Bryan Adams shields your eyes when you go into a newsagents so you won't have to look at the The Sun.

- Bryan Adams disagrees with your political views wholeheartedly, but won't point out you're wrong when you are - just blatantly - wrong.

- Bryan Adams pretends like he didn’t hear you when you referred to South Africa as a continent in an inebriated political debate. And you pretend not to have said it.

- Bryan Adams is not ok with your best friend being "maybe a bit Republican".

- Bryan Adams never hogs the easy crossword clues, and never starts one and then ruins it.

- Bryan Adams doesn't mind that you’ve divided his wardrobe into a ratio of 70:30 your things.

- Bryan Adam takes his hat off indoors, but mostly so people will definitely recognise him.

- Bryan Adams told you double denim was right waaay before anybody else even got onto that shit. He did it for you.

- Bryan Adams is so cool-headed in the face of confrontation. He simply replies; "Actually buddy, just because I'm wearing a plaid shirt, does not make me a lesbian".

- Bryan Adams loans you his glasses to look into your heart, and they’re not hipster Urban Outfitters frames, they have actual lenses in.

- Bryan Adams; take him as he is. Take his life, but not in a Phil Spector sort of a way.

- Bryan Adams pretends not to notice when you turn into a pumpkin at midnight.

- Bryan Adams doesn’t tell anybody when you drunkenly cry during sex.

- Bryan Adams doesn’t tell anybody when you soberly cry during sex.

- Bryan Adams doesn't move his arm which you are using as a pillow even when he thinks he's about to pass out from the pain.

- Bryan Adams is dating you even though he's an 8 and you reckon you're a 7, 7.6 at a push.

- Bryan Adams pauses Corrie just before it starts so you won't miss the cute meerkat ad.

- Bryan Adams won't make you watch football if you find fewer than 6 players hot.

- Bryan Adams doesn't use the word 'less' when he means 'fewer'.

- Bryan Adams is not a professional footballer but if he was he would not spit on the pitch, and certainly not in front of a camera.

- Bryan Adams.

- Bryan Adams doesn't get angry when all of your friends refer to him as American.

- Or British.

- (He's Canadian). Yeah, us neither.

- Bryan Adams isn't at all threatened by young upstart Ryan Adams. And he tells you you're prettier than Mandy Moore.

- Bryan Adams never puts his hands down his pants and mumbles something about "temperature control".

- Bryan Adams; just don't tell him it's not worth fighting for.

Enough reasons for you? Thought so. CASE CLOSED.

Hannah is tweeting her boyfriend Bryan Adams. Probably @ladyhaja.