xoGain: DIY Ice Cream From The Resourceful Stoner In Me

Beauty stuff comes second to eating in my world. Now you know.

May 24, 2013 at 9:00am | Leave a comment

Annie's seriously all over xoVain if you want more. She's the senior beauty editor. 

Hey so remember when I did that call for xoVain pitches a while back? Well, thanks for jacking the comments section, you gluttenous pigs. 

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The first thing I was thinking when I read this was, "Thank god I spelled 'genius' correctly."

Joking, obviously. xoGain is brilliant, so shoutout to MadcapMama. I actually really love eating. To quoteth myselfeth, "My favorite time of day is snack." Also, we totally got pitches for xoGain, so thanks but it doesn't actually exist.

I'm trying to word this unlike anything else I've read about eating disorders... but I used to make myself ralph all the time! Consistently for, like, 11 years. Most recently about three weeks ago after breaking up with my long distance boyfriend at Psych Fest on our anniversary, the night before his big shows, while on hallucenogenics and then flying back to New York two days early. I think I'm "triggered" (again, I hate the clinical ED verbage), by stress. I self medicate! With weed. And with hanging around people I love. And smoking weed with them. 

Being healthy is mega-important to me. And, you know, part of being healthy is not obsessing about whether or not everything you put in your mouth is healthy. Enter: ice cream. Like, into my mouth. Unnnnnn so creamy and dairy. I was lying about that one time when I compared cashew milk to you, ice cream and I'm sorry! Best friends?

So my mom, one of those, "I don't have it all, I DO it all"-types, kills it in the kitchen. (Although, she would never say that. She just... does it.) She's also, like tip-top sales person for the medical division of a huge company and travels all the time and is always on the phone wheeling and dealing while pulling salmon steaks out of the oven and shouting over the whirl of the Kitchenaid to the person in Japan on the other end of the line,

"No, Mark! $300,000 was what was quoted to the customer... Breast." (She does "breast imaging" and ew I hate that word.) Then she APOLOGIZES to me for not sending Easter cookies. I mean, she did kind of drop the ball on that one. 

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So she's where I got my weird baking abilities. This was my friend Jacob's birthday cake. The uni-horn was on the receiving end of many a blow job that night. 

She bought me a Kitchenaid mixer when I got my own apartment last year. And it was the only thing that sort of made sense to me as a useful gadget that one time I decided, while stoned, to make my own ice cream last summer.

I guess there's an ice cream maker attachment I could have gotten for the mixer, and there was always the option to buy an actual ice cream maker -- but it would probably get used once and take up a lot of space the rest of the time it existed. And, like: money! I didn't have it. No, I totally had it. I just wasn't going to waste it on a stupid ice cream maker when there's a drive-thru TCBY in my neighborhood.

So here's how I MacGyver'd that shit:

1. Freeze the bowl and the whisk attachment of your Kitchenaid. I do it for two days to really get it nice and cold, and also because I forgot that I was doing this.

 

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Pro tip: decorate your freezer with photos of family and friends. Also, fuck you, Breyers! Get outta here. 

2. Make the ice cream. As in, the cream, eggs, etc. Use the fattiest fucking milk you can find. I spent $6 on "cream on top" milk at the farmer's market, which is how I imagine it would feel to be one of those people who uses special cleansers specifically for their vagina. So indulgent.

Also, use a recipe with alcohol. This will keep it creamy and from freezing too hard. The last time I made this I used Bulleit whiskey and salted pecans and decided, if I were ever to become one of those jerks who opens an expensive ice cream boutique with off-color flavor names, to call it "Brawny Man Blow Job." Har har har. This time I used Kahlua, because Kahlua and ice cream is something I've been meaning to try since it was mentioned on That 70's Show. I was, like, 12. 

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These things were all used to make something else. 

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You'll probably be using a recipe with eggs if you wanna go balls->walls and make a real custard-y ice cream. Don't be scurred! You probably won't give your family food poisoning resulting in their hospitalizations or deaths. 

3. Let the ice cream base set and the flavors meld or whatever overnight. And here's a sneak peak at my submission to Kinfolk Mag, DIY ice coffee cold brew! It's called Rat Piss Coffee Co. and we're saying we're based in Portland for credibility purposes. Yo, Kinfolk, I'm still waiting to hear back about my last submission! It was the one about how to turn a dirty T-shirt into a cum rag. Get at me! I'd really love to write for you guys! 

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Also I made this at a boys-only apartment and, no they didn't have Saran wrap. So I covered the ice cream base with a garbage bag, ew it's so gross I'm sorry. 

4. Wait's over! Now just pour the base into your frozen bowl and whip it up on a high speed. Put a big dishcloth over the machine so that it doesn't splatter everywhere. It'll be frothy and bubbly. Throw it back in the freezer, along with the whisk attachment, and let it start freezing for about half an hour. 

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5. Cool, it's starting to freeze around the edges. Scrape the frozen part down into the bowl and mix it up again in the mixer. Now back in the freezer. There's a pattern emerging here. 

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6. You'll start to see it forming kind of a milkshake consistency. Yum! I guess you could totally stop here and grub. But don't let it freeze completely like this or it'll turn rock solid. 

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7. After about four or so times of switching from mixing to freezing, it'll start to really look like ice cream. You've achieved something! Treat yourself to a bowl and put the rest in a container to go back in the freezer. But **duh** not before adding some chocolate chips or other solid dessert items that can be suspended in the cream part. 

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It's like fucking Never-Neverland in this apartment! So much delicious food but no real utensils. 

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Completely chill-zoned.

It's best served slightly melty and also while you're stoned out of your mind. But you can also enjoy this with your family and children or whatever -- Nope! Actually you can't because it has alcohol in it.