10 Things to Buy For Your Home If 'Human Genitalia' Is Your Décor Inspiration

Some people chose themes like 'the ocean' as their inspiration. Other people choose 'testicles.'

Aug 26, 2014 at 6:00pm | Leave a comment

It's time to redecorate. Let's do a sexy dance of celebration -- you can afford to buy your own sofa and can finally ditch the one you picked up off the street when you were 18 because it looked like the couch from Snick. You've got the dollars, the drives, but no clue where to start off. Well, my friends, inspiration is everything.

Oh sure, you can get you to Pinterest or other various design-y sites all over the web -- you're sure to find all sorts of brilliant, cool, and aspirational ideas for you to tackle. Most of the time they are posted on websites so beautiful that when my cursor takes me to their homepages I involuntarily hiss at the sheer beauty with which I am being confronted. Usually this beauty involves a cursive font, a winning color palate and a fondness for well-angled photos of food like macarons. 

The ideas you'll find are great -- design inspirations and porn, that is chiefly what the Internet is for (also googling 'is this skin cancer'). That said, originality doesn't exactly run rampant. I'm going to encourage you to find inspiration for your redecorating project someplace entirely unexpected. While the web may not usually encourage this, once you've committed to a weird idea and really mastered searching skills, it can definitely provide you with all of the objects necessary to fulfill your vision.

Here are some things you could buy if you decided that naked private parts are the jumping-off point for your new domain:

1. Subtlety Is Key 

 

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(looks spacious) 

If you're nervous about leaping into erotic home furnishings, start small. What's clearly a penis on some drawers to you may simply be seen as an unfortunate and accidentally phallic flourish on an otherwise everyday piece. 

2. Guess Who's Coming At Dinner?

 

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(all materials man-made)

Conversation at the table was strained in tone, if buoyant. Everyone came away feeling satisfied. 

3. Sweets In The Sweets 

 

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(keep well-oiled)

"Would you like dessert?"

"Oh, yes please, I'd love some chocolate cake."

"Well unfortunately we don't believe in artificial sweetener or flour or dairy, but we can offer you a banana from this titty bowl."

"...."

"...."

"...."

"...titty bowl."

4. Home Is Where Your Keys Are

 

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(the handles seem...tricky)

This would be fine if it had a head. But it doesn't. Plus points for hands though I guess? 

5. Hide Your Face, But Never Your Shame  

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(Not amazon prime, tho.)

It's like The Thinker, but with less thinking and more abject agony. An actual Amazon review gives it a rave saying it goes well with their collection. I want to know this person. Or at least go to a party in their home and take several selfies. I will bring crab dip. I am an excellent guest. 

6. I Like Big Drawers And I Cannot Lie

 

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(with holes both natural, and artifical)

I don't know that I can state with 100% honesty that if a man I went on a date with brought me home and put his keys in this that I'd absolutely without a doubt turn around and go home. Admittedly, the notion that he might like to wear my ass-skin as chaps would come to mind. I guess it's all about whether or not he playfully slaps the wood on the ass after closing the door. Also, how well he dusts because, crevices. 

7. Not Quite Womb-like, But Close 

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(guess where the remote is?)

This couch comes with five head-resting cushions which are perfect for those who miss their mothers, or anyone I guess who relishes the firm feel of labia saddling their head like earmuffs. 

8. Subtlety Is For Amateurs 

 

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(there isn't enough Pledge in the world)

You know all those times you're in someone's house, and they have a natural piece of furniture made out of like, driftwood and you, tipsy on a glass or five of pinot, keep quietly insisting to anyone who will listen that it totally looks like a dick? Get your revenge with this schlong-tastic coffee table. Perfect for brunch, or draping yourself across while singing Sade to horrified party-guests. 

9. It's All About Texture 

 

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(the schnozberries, definitely do not taste like schnozberries)

You're not Willy Wonka, nor do you reside in a candy factory (BUT LIKE, IF YOU DO, HOLLER AT ME), but there's no reason you too cannot enjoy wallpaper ideal for tonguing. Get you some boob wallpaper, invite some friends over, get the Moscow Mules flowing and I personally guarantee that by the end of the evening more than one individual will be latched onto a two-dimensional teat. 

10. This Is Somehow...Victorian? 

 

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(dicks in bloom)

And, in closing, some dicks. I asked my roommate if we could put this charming wallpaper in our bathroom. She was all "go for it," because she likes dicks and also knows that when it comes to major DIY projects around the home I am unspeakably lazy. You win this round, reasonable roommate. You win this round. That said, buying this paper and using it to line my kitchen drawers? That's something small scale and surprising I could do EASILY. I hope you like your utensils with a side of flower-dicks, roommate. 

Where is the weirdest place you've found design inspiration? Also I'm considering getting the dick wallpaper -- just for the bathroom. Yay or nay?