SHOP AHS: Last Night's Only Surprise Was That Vampires Have The Best Leather Accessories

Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife (ANDY!), but it's fine to covet anything worn by the Countess.
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Publish date:
December 3, 2015
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Tags:
shoppables, jewelry, fashion, american horror story, Winter Accessories, AHS

SPOILERS AHEAD (OBVIOUSLY) BUT, LET'S BE HONEST, WE ALL SAW THE TCK REVEAL COMING A TRILLION EPISODES AGO.

The internet is chockablock with praise for Ryan Murphy this morning. He did it! He managed to pull all the threads of the season together, seamlessly, and create a weeks-long coherent story. You go, Ryan Murphy. Still, there's an equal amount head shaking going on — Detective John Lowe is the Ten Commandments Killer? No surprise, Sherlock.

Episode eight had few surprises, but there were some genuinely giggle-inducing moments that I feel compelled to recap. Evan Peters, lower jaw jutted and crazed eyes aglitter, is the light of my life and the star of this season. He thinks the crime of halitosis is worse than theft. He is unfazed by Lowe's special kind of crazy. Also, this:

"You are full of shit," says Detective Lowe in his best Christian Bale Batman growl.

"You are full of rage. Dangerous to keep it all inside, it will give you the cancer if you don't let it out," James Marsh replies.

It will give you THE CANCER.

Well, I don't want the cancer. What I do want are the gloves worn by the Countess halfway through the episode. I take it that the show-runners found them as captivating as I did because we get several seconds of a closeup on them while the Countess idly flips through Lowe's wallet and why would the undead wear elbow length leather gloves inside if not because, simply, "fabulous."

I wear gloves in the winter time because my circulation is terrible and there are only so many ways to spice up a pea coat. While I usually think of pink that should be used in stringent moderation, there's something about leather in cotton candy colors makes me want to purr very softly. I might not wear bright, bright pink (what do you think?) on my hands in the dead of winter, but the closest matches I could find to Gaga's gloves also come in cloud and cream colors like lilac, mint, and nude.

Fratelli Orsini Cashmere Lined Leather Gloves, $54.95 (35% Off!)

First off, leatherglovesonline.com is a place that exists and it is glorious. I'm probably going to order these today because it is cold here and who needs to have "smart gloves" that react to an iPhone screen outside (I'm serious. Live in the now. Put your phone away.) Plus, they're on super sale.

P.S. - Does anyone know how to find out your glove size other than ducking into Macy's and asking some wise-eyed winter accessories associate?

I know what you might be thinking: Good job on the color, Amber, but these gloves here only go up to just above the wrist. Great for snowball fighting, not so great for undead glamorousness. Where do I find elbow length gloves like the Countess wore?

To which I say: Funny you should ask! Let me direct to you to Gaga-glove option number two:

Portolano 19' Nappa Leather Gloves, $210

Before you come at me all hot and bothered at the price tag on these gloves, please keep in mind that the Countess disregards the price of accessories (she's going to marry and murder Will Drake and have all the money in the world) and you'll never need to buy another pair of impractical leather gloves ever again for the rest of your life.

Will anyone realistically wear the pink ones? Probably not. But they come in gun metal gray, too:

Do you care about leather gloves? Do you care that John Lowe is the TCK and has gone full crazy? Do you care about the school full of vampire tweens? Let's talk about all this and more in the comments, as well as these random odds and ends that I need to talk to someone about, but don't want to get into on reddit:

Best Line Of The Night Award: A tie between Ms. Evers', "must be impossible to launder with all those sparkly bits," and Detective Lowe's repeated, "you had coffee with my wife?"

Best Performance Of The Night: This does not go to Wes Bentley despite his hourlong voiceover and frequent fugue state freak outs. This goes to Denis O'Hare for making me instantly tear up over Liz Taylor's strength — her heart is broken and she still looks amazing and still takes zero shit from anyone.

Best Dressed: Hands down, it's the Countess, resplendent in sparkly bits.

Until next week...