The Right And Wrong Way To Do Vegas Fashion: I Don't Need to See Your Vagina

When you sit down and can feel the kiss of the seat on your lips, you know a skirt is too short.

Jan 24, 2012 at 1:00pm | Leave a comment

A bunch of XO Janers have descended on Las Vegas lately. I have a love/hate relationship with Vegas. I l live only about a 50 minute flight from there, and sometimes go just for 1 or 2 days. Sometimes I get sent there for work.

I like getting to eat in fancy restaurants, lounging around in a nice hotel room, being able to drink and not worry about how I’m getting home, laying by the pool, and sometimes putting a random dollar in a slot machine. The last time I was there was on my birthday. I put $20 in a slot machine idly and won $300 on the first pull.

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Of course I took it as a sign to go straight to the purse store at The Bellagio and put my winnings towards this bag made by Be&D:

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Ya’ll are always down to see more of my purses, right?

But man, does Vegas fashion bum. me. out. Is there some sort of pamphlet they give you at the airport that I missed? Where is it stated that every girl must wear the most god awful clothing at all times? I’m talking TOO short, TOO tight, TOO sparkly dresses. I’m talking dresses that allow passerby to give you a quick gynecological examination.

And nobody can walk! Girls are either clomping around like horses with all their weight pitched forward, taking tiny mincing steps to avoid falling, or just flat out carrying the damn shoes in their hands. Not being able to walk properly = not sexy or cool. What if you need to run or jump or fight or kick??

I took a field trip to the mall yesterday to do a little research so you can see what I’m carping on about. I thought that was far kinder than taking pics of actual girls wearing these garments and then putting black bars across their faces.

Exhibit A:

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This dress hits a lot of trends all at once. Teeny-weeny 5” skirt, one shouldered, slashed, shiny, AND leopard. Don’t get me wrong -- I love leopard. And I love shiny. But when you sit down and can feel the kiss of the seat on your lips, you know a skirt is too short.

Tip: wear bike shorts! I buy these American Apparel lace trimmed bike shorts in case they peek out when I sit. It looks intentional. A healthy “Yeah, I MEANT to do that!” attitude will take you far in fashion.

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Exhibit B:

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I’m not sure what this dress was going for. Nobody needs shiny puffy puckered fabric accentuating their ass more. Even the most emaciated supermodel would look like dog vomit in this. That’s my friend Emily’s hand reaching out to feel the horror. It’s basically a crumpled-up Hefty bag shot through with pewter. And it’s strapless! Oh, think of the poor party girls self consciously pulling their dresses up all night.

Tip: if you are wearing a strapless bra with your strapless dress, spend 5 minutes pinning it into the dress. Voila! No embarrassing slippage. Yes, you will prick yourself a few times but beauty is pain. They even make black safety pins for this purpose! But I am cheap so I color mine black with a sharpie.

Exhibit C:

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I’ve been a vegetarian for many years now so I can understand and appreciate the need for more fake leather in the world. If I had more $$ I’d exclusively wear Stella McCartney’s vegan shoes. But those molded cups! They are only going to fit 1 in 40 people’s boobs properly. I don’t like those types of odds when it comes to my tits.

Exhibit D:

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Oh, these stupid bubble hem dresses. EVERYBODY LOOKS PORKY IN THESE. Period. They are hideous and awkward and are all tight around your thighs, then balloon out over your hips. This girl is a model and being paid to wear this dress, so I am not being mean here. She probably dislikes it too.

Exhibit E:

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For starters, the thin cotton jersey on the bottom of this dress is going to show every lump and bump you may have. Forget Spanx, you’re gonna need an actual sausage casing to wear this. Actresses on shows are forever asking me to buy them these full body suits to wear under the clothes I put them in. It’s a lot of Lycra in uncomfortable places but the results don’t lie.

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I personally like to just buy old fashioned control top underwear or the classic long leg panty girdle from places like Kmart and JC Penney. Both places have great deals on lingerie, especially for stuff you’d only wear with that one dress. 

Back to that blue dress. One of the most unfortunate trends of the past year or so has been rampant sequins. They’re the zombies of the fashion world. They won’t die! I’m all for wearing glittery prom dresses with flip flops in the middle of the day, so don’t misunderstand me. It’s the wearing of the sequin dress WITH the rhinestone jewelry AND the sparkle heels that I take umbrage at. It’s also the flashing of everything all at once: legs and boobs and shoulders and ass curves all at the same time cheapens any look. It’s leaving nothing to mystery.

The Uptown flashy/downtown cool mix is what I am always striving for, whether in my personal life or styling people for shows. Here’s some examples of what I mean, styled from my own closet.

You WILL be the coolest chick at the party if you wear sequins+Converse. It’s a proven fact.

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Oversize sequin T-shirt dress + platforms from Kohl’s clearance sale = heavenly.

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Shiny 80s meets dirty Pocahontas mashup. These boots have holes in the soles, just like I like everything.

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If this dress looks familiar to you, it should. It’s the one Kelly Le Brock wore in "Weird Science"!

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I have the best job in the world. I love the wearing of expected things in unexpected ways at unexpected places. One night my BFF Emily and I went out to a dive bar both wearing sequined stuff just cause we were bored and we like theme dressing.

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Half of my relationship with Emily consists of us just MMS-ing pics of our outfits back and forth to each other. We call this “getting ready together.” On the night we wore the sequins, we were the object of 2 separate bar fights. We were literally just standing there. Oh boys!

Why do you think this type of overwrought, scantily clad ‘look at me’ style of dressing has become so ubiquitous? And why are all the girls I see in these little dresses standing around in the cold without jackets on, rubbing their arms and shivering like ninnies? Ladies, jackets are cool!

My final thoughts on the matter include a full disclosure: These are the type of pool flip flops I always bring to Las Vegas. I’m a magpie for life.

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