Prepare yourself for the MOST CONTROVERSIAL SENTENCE I HAVE EVER WRITTEN: Swimdresses are not terrible. Skirted suits get such a bad rap, and for no good reason aside from their association with grandmas and retirement communities.
But I am bringing the swimdress BACK, you guys, because if we can wear bikinis (or even fatkinis!) then we can wear the damn swimdresses too, or whatever makes us comfortable. And I’m proving it to you with my characteristic airtight logic right now.
This is a more youthful spin on the skirted suit -- it’s actually a two piece (I hate the word “tankini,” just so you know, but I’ll allow that peeing is WAY easier in a two-piece) and is more body-conscious than the voluminous models most people imagine when they think “swimdress.” LOOK AT THAT LITTLE SKIRT. It is super cute. Available in sizes 16W to 26W and seven different colors.
The Venus halter swimdress borders on glam, which is a weird thing to say about a swimdress. It has ruching and side ties so you can control the degree of skirtyness. Choose from black, purple and turquoise in sizes 16W to 26W.
Not TECHNICALLY a swimdress, OK, but functioning in a similar way. I want this one so bad so I can pretend I'm a fat Kathy Ireland posing for some mid-80s Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue. Monif C’s amazing fringe-bedecked St Tropez one-piece comes in pink, teal and black, in sizes 14W to 24W. But order soon because her stuff always sells out.
Everybody loves polka dots, right? Like, unless you’re a communist. Following in the footsteps of the Venus halter above, this is another side-ruching option with extra skirtyness control, only instead of understated glam it has big-ass spots and a retro vibe. Get the Zoggs Exclusive Ella Swimdress from Simply Be in about a bazillion different bra sizes.
OK, I actually find this one hilarious and would probably wear it for that reason alone. The cut of Simply Be’s Beach to Beach swimdress is a fairly standard super-body-obscuring empire line. But the cups are covered in SEQUINS. Just the cups! So this is a suit that screams “LOOK AT MY SPARKLEBOOBS AND IGNORE THE REST OF MY BODY!” You too can have SPARKLEBOOBS in sizes 10 to 28.
The Farrah is classic pin-up style from Kiyonna. This is the skirted suit you wear when you want people to think you’re just really into midcentury fashion, and not that you’re sort of unsure about gifting the whole world with the sublime majesty of your upper thighs. The Farrah comes in purple and black, and in sizes 0X to 5X.
Were those other polka dots too big for you? Here’s some wee ones from City Chic. This suit employs the more subdued hip-frill skirt for those of you still not brave enough to sport the full flying skirtitude of SPARKLEBOOBS up above. There’s also little frills of ruffles on the boobs, which if I were a real fashion writer I’d probably say makes a small bust look fuller, but ruffles are pretty great no matter what. Get your cute frilly pindot suit in sizes 14 to 22.
So have I convinced you? Are you warming to the skirted-swimwear dark side? Also which one of these should I order first? (Please say SPARKLEBOOBS.)