If you were to ask me like two weeks ago what I would change about my body I would say, WITHOUT HESITATION "I would like my thighs not to touch.” (In fact, I made art about it. Which we can talk about sometime when I’m feeling more vulnerable.)
But then I was watching "The Cell" the other day (taking a breather from BSG) and right in the middle of all this crazy mindbending psycho shit that is happening, it cuts to J. Lo smoking a joint in front of one of those old school imacs, when she decides she needs a snack to go with her stoned pantslessness and THIS HAPPENS:
FUCK, JENNY. This 30 frames of flesh made it all click in my mind.
Then I got laid. Which actually completed the process of learning to appreciate my middle-bits (good looking out, ass).
Alright, I’m a little late to the ass appreciation parade. I know, I know women in the public eye are getting (ever so slightly) bigger. I’m not tripping though, the masses are still really spooked by the booty. It feels like bringing your fat ass to the party is like getting a tattoo in 2001: kinda edgy or whatever. It is still kind of a STATEMENT?
This is my GO-TO skirt for accentuating the booty:
I got this at H&M like too long ago so I can’t link to it and you guys are going to have to get creative or something. Real neoprene bodycon is a HASSLE, though.This skirt with heels renders me pretty much immobile. I imagine that is what dudes are talking about when they say they hate wearing condoms because they feel like their whole bodies are wrapped in latex.
SIKE. That line is just so they can get into you bareback which is icky and not cool. Call me old-fashioned.
Acing the big booty is pretty much about proportions. The skirt being tight around your ass is the first step. What transforms your ass from Honda Accord to DUMPTRUCK is proportions. To achieve this, the skirt must go in at your ankles in such a way that it prohibits you from taking your knees and ankles apart, which in turn creates the effect of an ass that is quite a bit larger than it actually is. Got it?
You wanna know what I wore to my first day of college? POLY BOOTY SHORTS. Want to know why? I WAS THERE TO FUCK.
Just kidding, mom. These are extreme I know, and American Apparel is full of sexploitation and all that, but please remember that you can get their shit at any thrift store, anywhere, pretty much. I’m giving you IDEAS, guys I’m not telling you what to do exactly. These booty shorts are also awesome because there is no way your ass crease is staying in there, even if you're not working with a lot of fleshy stuff.
The less you have on the more you put out there; that is Physics.
Now for the sofa crowd: YOGA PANTS. Something about that goddamn folded part at the top of yoga pants makes your dunk shape itself in the most casual but perfect way. That flap just sits there like a cotton ass-mantle. If I’m ever "casually hanging out" with someone and I want them to start thinking about me naked, the yoga pants go on.
Try these, obviously these guys know what they are talking about because they brought sex to the Mall.
People also have a tendency to hate on patterns because they make you “look fat” or whatever. Guess what? That is the LOOK we are going for. No more of this “slimming” shenanigans. Lets get THICK, bitches. My sex machine roommate just got these jeans and they make her ass POP BADANG.
Two things are at work here with booty-swell. First, the subtle pattern makes you look larger all over; patterns do that. I don’t know why, but they do. That’s physics, too.
Second, a slight high-waist helps a ton because it brings your shizz in a little at the waist which achieves the same illusion as when the skirt goes in at the bottom. These pants are a one-two punch. Tuck a flowing shirt into the top of these fuck magnets and you create a spontaneous gravitational pull into the galactic expanses of your backside.
Lets roll all this knowledge together into one final freakshow and you end up here:
I showed this to the newest virgin sacrifice of xoJane and we agreed that the pattern on this one literally spreads your ass.
Last, we are all on the same page here with heels, right? Heels lift your butt. That is all I have to say about that.
So this concludes my ass parade. What do you think about your ass? Would you call yourself an ass-man? Tweet photos of yer ass me @BlackOlive15.